[originally posted to my Dreamwidth blog on January 5, 2024]
Old drama is resurfacing, so here's a link that leads to a collection of posts where I talk about the targeted harassment I've experienced in Silmarillion fandom since 2020.
So. This is an open letter to anyone this may concern, whether that be my haters or outsiders who have just Heard Stuff.
Not only have I moved to another Ao3 account in part to get away from triggering Refused Gifts/Related Works that have been upsetting me for years, but it took me since 2021 to even plan and attempt a username change which should once again tell you I don't have the spoons for all these socks I supposedly have [especially when the people making the accusation also get kudos on their stuff from "burner" accounts with no works/bookmarks, so this is yet another "OK for me but not for thee" thing]. If you're actually being harassed, it's not by me, I have in fact more than once asked people who've offered to yell at you to please just leave you alone because two wrongs don't make a right and I don't approve of people making nasty comments.
I have comments disabled on almost all my works on Ao3 to avoid harassment [except for a few WIPs involving co-creators]. I don't use social media in order to avoid harassment. I literally do not read fanfic anymore unless it's written by friends because I don't want to play whackamole with figuring out where my kudos/nice comments are unwelcome, being that the drama involves BNFs and so it's known about pan-fandom. I don't participate in gift exchanges and whatever so people don't scream about me being there. Ditto for kink memes. When I modded Snowflake in 2023, I asked Flamingsword to handle replies to the Silm fandom people so I didn't have to interact with them, and just said "thank you for participating" to other people I didn't recognize. In 2023 I pruned my Dreamwidth f'list rather significantly and declared a moratorium on adding new people for mental health reasons so it's not like I'm out here recruiting people for whatever it is you think I'm doing.
I don't know what else you fucking want from me. I'm tired of having my blog stalked and feeling like it's not safe to post anything in public anymore beyond really "grey rock" stuff like monthly word count. I just want to be able to post my stupid self-indulgent fic in peace over here in the corner you forced me into and not feel like I have to watch my back constantly. I'm tired of people I don't even know passing judgment on me because they just heard stuff and haven't bothered to check my receipts that catch multiple obvious lies.
Also, it's rich for anyone to say I'm pretending to be Jewish now, like I would somehow do this for Oppression Olympics points considering what the process of conversion even entails - it's not "I said a prayer and I'm Jewish now", it's studying and community and going above and beyond my spoon levels and comfort zones. It takes time and work. It's something you do if you're sincere, it's not something I would do for marginalized group membership "clout" considering I already belong to marginalized groups [trans/queer, disabled] and it ain't a picnic. If my conversion seems "out of character" - if your last interaction with me was in 2019-2020, consider that you literally don't know who I am anymore, between the way the world has changed and my life has changed in that period of time [and no, I don't talk about my personal life in public because you stalk my blog], and if we've never interacted then you definitely don't know me, and also I've already given a public explanation about why I'm converting and unless you're my rabbi or my Beit Din, I don't owe anyone any more explanations than that.
[While we're on this note, I don't owe anyone multiple disclaimers about foreign policy every time I disclose being Jewish. I'm American. I can barely figure out what I'm having for supper each day, never mind telling you how to fix problems in countries that were there long before I was born.]
I'm over 40 and not in good health and I really don't want to spend whatever years I have left regretting that I let people take up rent-free space in my head. I have public posts to defend myself out of necessity [in part so things don't escalate beyond what they already have] but I don't enjoy this and I'm not over here shit-talking constantly. I wish you'd just let it go and stop shit-talking me every time there's a window of opportunity like Snowflake to air your grievances to a wider audience, and the snarky comments you make year-round. THIS IS LITERALLY YEAR FIVE, WTF.
Please find peace and meaningfulness in your life instead of being so miserable you have to use me as your punching bag. Shalom.