originally posted on Dreamwidth in December 2023
As of the end of December 2023, I have moved Ao3 accounts - my old completed works [2016-2023] are still on verhalen, and current WIPs/new works going forward are over on FlameAndSong. [Note: A couple works were listed under both usernames "co-authored" to get people used to the new username.]
I am making a public announcement of this [and there are notes on both Ao3 profiles] not just so my DW friends and Ao3 subscribers know, but also in the interest of transparency so people who've blocked me on Ao3 know to also add the new account to their block lists, not like I'm gonna interact anyway but still 😂
During 2020-2021 I got some unhelpful advice to change usernames and start over again re: the Silmarillion fandom drama and the reason why that wouldn't have worked is because of my OCs, the themes I favor, and my idiosyncratic writing style, I can't disappear and fool people if I want to keep writing the stuff I'm writing, I would have to give all of that up to have a clean break and I'm not doing that.
Now that we've established it isn't to try and hide/resurface like "totally not Verhalen, nope, not me", let's get in to why we're doing this.
When I joined Ao3 in 2016, my mind drew a blank with thinking of usernames. [I really suck at names, so it's no wonder why I relate to the guy who named all seven of his kids "-finwë".] Literally, my brain went "uh... stories?" and decided on a non-English term for "stories" [in this case, Dutch which is part of my background].
The problem is that in 2016 I thought writing fanfic would be a much more casual, sometimes thing, and didn't realize I would be writing so much within a few years and that the more works I had under that username, the harder it would be to get rid of. I also didn't know in 2016 that I'd eventually encounter people who aren't Dutch speakers who seem to think Verhalen is my actual name 🤣 and/or have asked me "how do you pronounce this?" often enough that it got real old.
In 2021 I got supremely sick of my username, but was also intimidated by potential backlash [accusations of changing it for troll purposes or whatever] as well as having to adjust author's notes, so instead I changed my default pseud to DumpsterPhoenix to be transparent and get people used to the planned new username, with intent to "maybe, when I have spoons, fully change over". The spoons for re-organizing never came, while my brain decided to keep writing, because brains are really helpful like that 🙄😂
I also outgrew the name DumpsterPhoenix. In 2021 when the fandom bullying made me feel absolutely horrible about myself to the point of struggling with suicidal ideation, and I was also feeling guilty and over-apologizing for having negative emotions and "burdening my friends" by being "a walking trash fire", a friend sent me a motivational graphic that says "You are not a dumpster fire. You are a multidimensional dumpster phoenix" and it gave me a badly-needed laugh. I also thought it was appropriate - since I'd been thrown away and treated like garbage by ex-friends in the fandom, it was my way of signalling "I'm still around, you can't drive me out." Except, by summer 2023, I decided I was mostly done with the fandom except for occasional fanworks involving Maglor [and whatever Corn Of Eternity is]; I have been focusing a lot more on o-fic involving my OCs. So I felt like that username didn't quite fit anymore.
While we're on that subject, it's also been triggering for me to see certain things in my Related Works and know there's a shit-ton of things on my Refused Gifts page I never want to see again [I literally have more Refused Gifts than actual gift fic].
So in December 2023 I decided I was just going to move to a new Ao3 account altogether before the year is over, because I don't want to keep being reminded of all of that, and the need to start a new chapter in my life for 2024 finally outweighed concerns of backlash for the sudden change. And fiddling with pseuds, editing author's notes, and updating cover art to keep the old account but change the name on it seemed even more of a daunting, insurmountable task in 2023 than it did in 2021, especially with having fried my last brain cell doing so much archival/backup work that year, so it seemed easier to just leave things as they were on Ao3 with my older works and put new fanworks on another username.
And the fact that even though I was triggered by things attached to my account and it still took me years, plural, to muster up the spoons to even figure out how I was going to handle a username change and get things set up, never mind actually getting around to doing it, should throw a wrench into the allegation that I supposedly have umpteen sock accounts. My long COVID, ADHD ass can barely handle my OWN Ao3 business, never mind trying to keep up with that. [Of course, this won't convince the haters, but what can you do.]
So to sum up, between getting tired of my old username after seven and a half years and also in the interest of continuing to try to move forward and heal from traumatic fandom bullying, I felt a change was in order.
And, since I was changing my username on Ao3 it felt like a good idea to also update my username on Dreamwidth.
As for Squidgeworld, my old fics will remain on verhalen there. However, while I have reserved the username FlameAndSong and I will complete WIPs posted there, I am unlikely to crosspost new works to Squidgeworld - it has come to my attention that within the last month some antisemites have been moving to Squidgeworld from Ao3 because they think Ao3 is controlled by Jews and the site is small enough that I don't feel comfortable in that climate, and I already crosspost to Dreamwidth and Neocities anyway. [I'm not blaming Walter or the other SQW staff for this, by the way, but it is what it is.]
Speaking of Neocities: my Neocities URL will remain verhalen.neocities.org [but the website's title has been Flame And Song for over a year now], because changing my Neocities URL would mean spoons for fixing HTML links across the site that I do not have. I'm also keeping Verhalen on Ad Astra and not shlepping around with it because I'm not really writing Trek fic anymore so if I can save myself one more thing I'd rather do that.
Why FlameAndSong? It's a nod to Fëanor and Maglor, even though I am only writing post-canon AUs anymore, they are still at the heart of my multiverse [where Fëanor is reborn as my OC Sören, and Maglor is still wandering the Earth].
And it feels more hopeful - "carrying the fire" and "keeping a song in my heart" in these troubled times.
[Note: In November 2024 I found out I'd been doxxed and for safety reasons I decided to delete the OG flameandsong DW and backup-archive my posts re: the drama on another journal, which involved two rename tokens to swap journal names.]
