"It is so good to see you in better spirits these days, Laurentius." Jane folded her hands as if in prayer and gave her usual thin smile. "I take it things are going well?"
"Indeedeth," Larry replied, nodding.
Jane cocked her head to one side and pursed her lips, waiting for him to elaborate.
Larry didn't really want to share his good news with his mother, lest it get back to Sauron, knowing his father would probably punish him for doing something underhanded rather than congratulate him for being clever. But he drew a blank as to any stories he could quickly fabricate to explain why life was looking up for him, and Jane could usually tell when he was lying, anyway. So Larry took a chance. "Please don't tellest Fathereth."
"I promise," Jane said, hand on her heart.
Larry exhaled. "I tookest the earningsest of mine churcheth and boughtest some of Fathereth's productest. I soldeth it to Eloneth Muskest for an largeth profitest."
Jane's eyes widened and her mouth made an o-shape. While Jane was convinced her son was the most bright and special boy who ever walked the face of the Earth - unlike Sauron, who thought him a dullard and frequently reminded him of this fact - Larry knew she probably thought he didn't possess such business acumen. Larry leaned back and smiled, watching the wine swish around in his glass.
"So now you must have quite a bit of money." Jane took a sip of her wine and glanced off to the side, as if she were afraid of Sauron eavesdropping somehow - and rightly so - and then her eyes met her son's. They both had the same grey-violet eyes like amethyst crystals found in an enchanted cave where an ancient dragon guarded a treasure trove that would be coveted by emperors. "I hope you invest it well."
"Firstest, I art takingeth an vacation." Alonest. Without Juniper, Larry thought to himself - Juniper had become even more insufferable since they started the church and Juniper was feeding on the energy of the congregants.
"Ahh, delightful! May I inquire where?" Jane narrowed her eyes. "And when?"
Larry now regretted telling his mother anything even if she didn't report him to Sauron or he didn't otherwise find out somehow. But he knew if he replied with none of thine businesseth she might cry, and then it would get back to Sauron - and anyone and everyone Jane cared to tell, like random strangers, about how horrifically her son had abused her by not answering a simple question.
"I art renting Liechtenstein," Larry said. "One canst rentest the country for seventy-five thousandeth dollarsest an day. I art renting it for an week. Nextest week."
Jane put down her wine and glared. "Laurentius."
"Whateth." Larry could feel his good mood steadily deflating by the moment. He cursed himself for not being able to make up a lie on-the-spot, but then he knew his absence would possibly raise some questions.
"You are supposed to shave my back next week. Remember?" Jane shook her head. "This won't do at all, Laurentius. You need to call... whoever... and cancel your reservations -"
"Nayeth!" Larry almost crushed the wine glass in his hand.
"I don't care if it cost eighty-one thousand dollars a day that they can't refund you. I need my back shaved next week."
"And I needest an vacationest. Surely thou canst wait one week -"
"It cannot." Jane's nostrils flared. "So unless you want your father to hear that you sold some of his product to one of the richest men in the world - you, rather than him - and you are spending it on frivolity..."
Larry pinched the bridge of his nose. His magnificent eyebrows, like two raven's wings carved of rainbow obsidian from an eldritch volcano in long-forgotten isles of legend, knit together as he quickly racked his brain for a strategy that would allow him to go on vacation and still appease his mother. "I couldst bringest the portal -"
"Your father knows when it's being used. I don't think I could fabricate a cover story about why, that would satisfy him." Jane put her wine glass down and folded her arms. "But there is another option. You could take me with you on vacation to Liechtenstein. I would so love to live in a castle for a week and be treated like royalty."
Larry liked the idea of taking his mother along to Liechtenstein even less than the prospect of bringing Juniper. He'd hoped to have a week of peace and quiet, where he was free to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted - living in the lap of luxury in a castle, eating the finest foods, dallying with Cole or perhaps an even more gorgeous rentboy...
"Do it or I will inform your father." Jane glared.
Larry sighed. And then - as much as he didn't like being bullied into this decision - he saw how it could work to his advantage. He still had the fake mustache made of Jane's hair. He had not been able to use it to control her as much as he'd liked, because he'd been so busy and they'd only gotten little pockets of time together here and there. Now he would be around her for most of a week. That was plenty of time to program her, which in turn would influence Sauron, who took many of her suggestions seriously, being he thought her some kind of prophet or sorceress; Larry thought her a lush with probable early dementia and his father was the real fool for keeping her as an advisor.
"Okayeth," Larry said. "Thou deservest an vacation too. It will beeth nicest to spendest some timeth with thee." He felt like he would vomit at the ass-kissing words.
"Thank you so much." Jane once again folded her hands, her smile as fake as the Armani knockoff suit Larry was wearing - but soon he would be buying the real thing for himself. "I'll make sure to tell your father we're going someplace less extravagant, perhaps to see Jeff's relatives."
Larry and Jane's boyfriend Jeff had little to do with each other, and Larry had never met any of Jeff's family. But even though that wasn't a convincing alibi to him, he reminded himself that his mother was very good at making bullshit sound like the truth. It was, after all, how she'd gotten where she did, in Sauron's court.
Larry was already regretting this - even though he reminded himself Fate had handed him an opportunity to finally usurp his father and show him how world domination was really done. He just hoped he'd get some time to himself...
and an rompest hereth and therest with someone who arn'teth Juniper. Larry's mind conjured images of a cinnabar-haired beauty, hard and spread and slick for him, waiting on silk sheets strewn with gold coins. He could endure Jane's presence for a week so long as he got laid, at least once, in a way that wasn't completely degrading to him.