"Sören! Sören!"
Anthony's cries were muffled by his pillow, and he let out a groan as he turned his head, body shuddering again... cunt pulsing. Then he gave a deep sigh - mingled relief and sadness.
As good as the orgasm was, it wasn't as good as the real thing. More and more, each masturbation session was like torture afterwards, aching for what he knew he very likely couldn't have.
After they'd spooned in his bed the night before last, Anthony's bed felt even lonelier on Friday night. He still managed to go to sleep, but his dreams were full of hot sex with Sören, and he woke up before his alarm, ragingly horny. He'd tried not to give in, but after awhile he couldn't help himself and furiously rubbed against a pillow, fantasizing about Sören underneath him, panting and whimpering as Anthony fucked him senseless. He told himself that getting the horniness out of his system would help make their camping trip less of an exercise in sexual frustration, but now as his thoughts slowly came back, he wasn't sure anything would help.
Anthony groaned as he got out of bed and went to feed the cats and dog, and made himself coffee. As he sat to drink his coffee, Maimonides whined, signalling he needed to go out.
There was time before morning service at 9:30 AM - if this wasn't Shabbat, Anthony would go for a run to blow off steam, but today it was walking, even though he would technically be breaking Shabbat with the exertion of hiking and rowing a raft later, but at least he could follow some rules. So he took Maimonides outside for a long walk, trying to get his head on straight. And yet, despite the beauty of a Saturday summer morning, Anthony's thoughts returned to Sören again and again. Wondering if perhaps this weekend he should finally say something about the burden he'd been carrying for years, pining for him, even though it seemed hopeless - Sören probably thought he was too old, or too much of a dork, or something. He was sure of it.
When he got back, Alyx's bike was on the porch, and inside, Alyx had brought a box of assorted donuts from Dunkin Donuts with a Box O' Joe for everyone. Alyx wasn't quite dressed for shul, wearing black cargo pants with a Kermit the Frog T-shirt - and they had a shaved head that a guest kippah wouldn't stay on - but Anthony had seen younger people get away with wearing jeans and T-shirt and no headgear to services before so he decided not to say anything about it, even though Alyx looked out of place next to Rae, who was wearing a handmade Nonbinary Pride tichel with a purple tunic shirt and black slacks. "Thanks for being our Shabbos goy," Anthony quipped as he surveyed the breakfast; Alyx saluted and Rae giggled.
Sören was already dressed and ready for shul - he was in a black button-down shirt and black chinos, the most he ever got dressed up; a black Bukharian kippah with a pattern of embroidered silver and gold leaves sat atop his mane of dark curls. Sören bore a striking resemblance to Jon Snow on Game of Thrones with his long dark curly hair, beard, brown puppydog eyes and full lips - he'd been mistaken for the actor more than once - but he had softer facial features, and there was another important difference - Anthony knew Sören's nipples were pierced and he had an extensive amount of ink - sleeve tattoos of flames on his right arm, ocean waves on his left, leading out to a fire and water phoenix doing a mating dance on his back, a design based on his earliest painting. Anthony tried not to think about Sören with his shirt off... tried not to replay the earlier fantasy of Sören naked underneath him, hard and slick. Tried not to wonder what Sören looked like... or sounded like... in the throes of ecstasy.
This is going to be a very long camping trip.
Sören passed the box of donuts and Anthony took a blueberry donut. He didn't want to indulge too much, since there would be oneg after the service and he and Sören would be hiking through the woods to the reservoir in the afternoon, then paddling a raft, which was not good to do on a very full stomach, but donuts were donuts.
Sören was nibbling on a donut with strawberry frosting and rainbow sprinkles and inevitably, he'd gotten some on his nose. Anthony smiled fondly - rather than being turned off, he always thought it was weirdly adorable when this sort of thing happened. He waited until Sören was done to dab at Sören's nose with a napkin... wishing he could kiss it off.
"I'm gonna go take a shower," Anthony said, face on fire.
Anthony brushed his teeth and took a longer shower than usual, trying to relax. He put on khakis and a navy blue polo shirt for shul - he had jeans and a black T-shirt set aside to change into afterwards - and after he styled his hair he added a knit kippah, white with stripes of cobalt blue and sky blue towards the edge, securing the kippah with clips. Just as he got the kippah on his head, he heard the landline ring, startling him. Very, very few people called the landline anymore, and most of the time it was spam robocalls.
But on the odd chance it wasn't - like his mum, wanting to say hi to both him and Rae, forgetting the time zone difference and that he would be on his way to shul - Anthony ran out to the phone. The minute he saw the number on the caller ID his face fell and his stomach turned to ice, but he picked it up anyway.
"Hullo Steve," he said in a flat tone of voice.
"Antonia."
Anthony grit his teeth. "What do you want, Stephanie." Of course, that never stung Steve the same way that Steve deadnaming him stung him.
"May I speak with our daughter Rhiannon, please? She hasn't called me in a few months and I want to make sure she's alive."
Anthony's nostrils flared. "First of all, they go by Rae now, you know this, and maybe they haven't called you in awhile because you're an arsehole? Second of all, you know their cell number. Is there a reason why you chose to use the landline other than to try to get at me? Are you still so obsessed with the thought that having fucked me means you might be kind of gay, that after eleven bloody years you still need to keep up harassing me? It's pathetic, really -"
Rae walked towards him from the kitchen, eyes wide, and began shaking their head. "I don't want to talk to him."
"Rae just told me they don't want to talk to you."
"I would rather hear that from her," Steve said.
"Look. We're on our way to shul. We don't have time for Rae to give you a big huge speech -"
"You're taking her to synagogue? You know, it's bad enough that you transed our daughter, but now you're indoctrinating her with Zionism -"
Anthony wanted to spit. "Oh come off it. Don't mask your antisemitism with using the word 'Zionist' as a code for 'Jew'. Like you fucking cared about Palestinians ever in your life, certainly not the ones who've suffered in the Syrian civil war, you probably can't even bloody find Israel or Gaza on a map. And you're the one who had custody of Rae and didn't allow me to be involved much in their life for years, so you might consider that I had no influence over their gender identity and it just... happened... maybe it's genetic, like being gay is, and as far as taking them to shul goes? I've only ever offered, I've never forced them. But just like I've been getting back in touch with my Jewish heritage over the last few years, Rae wants to connect with that part of their identity too."
Rae finally snatched the phone from Anthony and snarled, "Look, you bloody wanker, I have nothing to say to you until you learn to respect me, and you stop disrespecting Mumdad, too. Stop being transphobic, stop being antisemitic, and then maybe I'll have a relationship with you. Until then, fuck off." Then Rae hung up, slamming the phone down before Steve could get another word in. "Twat," Rae huffed.
Anthony immediately reached out to take his child into a fierce, tight, protective hug. "I'm proud of you, bubbeleh," Anthony said, hurting for them more than himself. "I'm sorry -"
"You have nothing to apologize for," Rae said, giving him a squeeze. Their eyes met; Rae's eyes were too bright, mirroring the unshed tears in Anthony's own eyes. "I fucking hate him."
"Yeah." Anthony heaved a deep sigh. "Well, I'm not going to guilt-trip you over not wanting a relationship with him. I just... really wish that things could have been different. I wish I'd gotten to raise you so you didn't have to -"
"It's not your fault the courts were transphobic and thought he should have custody." Rae shook their head. "And I mean, I'm here now."
They pulled back and then Sören stepped forward to hug Anthony, and Alyx hugged Rae. "Your dad's a jerk," Alyx said. "You don't need that shit."
"You OK?" Sören asked, all worried brown eyes.
"No." Anthony gave a thin, tense smile. "But let's not let that paskudnyak ruin our day, nu?" Anthony noticed whenever he peppered his speech more frequently with Yiddish, he was usually agitated - something he'd picked up from his mum Elaine, who was not merely secular but also tended to downplay being Jewish, probably as a reaction to what her mother went through, and yet the Yiddish came through whenever Elaine was having "a moment", as she called it.
Sören touched Anthony's face, and Anthony leaned into the touch, soaking up the tenderness even though it made him ache even more, longing for what he knew was probably never going to be. "OK. But if you decide the camping trip is going to be too much for you, I -"
Anthony shook his head. "Getting away from the world for a night is just what I need." In his mind he added But what I need even more is you.
Though services were a nice distraction - and a needed reminder that the Jewish people were strong and would endure despite bigotry - Anthony still felt tense. At the refreshments, Rae and Alyx went to talk with the rabbi, and when they were done, they had some good news.
"Alyx is thinking about converting and talked to Rabbi Saul about classes," Rae said; Alyx nodded, smiling. "And I asked about having a b'nei mitzvah, since Dad never let me have a bat mitzvah."
"Oh honey, I would be thrilled if you had a b'nei mitzvah," Anthony said, giving them a hug. He turned to Alyx. "You know, I'm not expecting you to convert if you want to date Rae, and I don't think they are either -"
"I know," Alyx said. "This is something I want to do for myself."
"I'm not trying to discourage you, but these are dangerous times for Jews. October 7th emboldened the world in its hatred." Anthony looked them in the eye.
"Then you could use more people to stand with you."
Anthony reached out to give Alyx a pat, proud but also a little worried, and then Sören said, "I'm a convert. Welcome to the tribe, já?"
Alyx nodded. "Did you convert here?"
"I did. Rabbi Saul is really helpful and doesn't bite."
As if on cue, the big, jolly rabbi waved at them before taking a bite into a chocolate rugelach. Sören snickered.
Anthony followed Rae over to the babka, and with no one hovering close by, he took an opportunity. "I just want to say again how proud I am of you for standing up to your... to Steve." Anthony didn't feel right calling Steve their father, after everything.
Rae nodded. "Well, you know, I had a good role model." Rae gave Anthony a light punch in the arm and grinned.
Anthony grinned back.
Then Rae's grin became a glare. "Though, there is one area where you could be a little more assertive."
Anthony's eyebrows shot up and he cocked his head to one side.
Rae glanced over their shoulder, where Sören was talking to the rabbi, then turned back to Anthony. "When are you going to tell Sören?"
"Tell him what."
Rae put their hands on their hips. "That you're in love with him."
Anthony's jaw dropped. He tried to respond to that but he couldn't make words, only incoherent noises, shocked that Rae knew without being told.
"It's bloody obvious, Mumdad. I see the way you make eyes at him, ever since I moved out here."
"I..." Anthony sighed, nodded, and looked down at his feet. "I don't even think he -"
"Oh no. I think he likes you too, and you're just too much of a muppet to pick up on it."
Anthony facepalmed, and shook with silent laughter at his offspring's chutzpah, even as he felt called out and this was absolutely the wrong time and place to have this conversation - Sören was several feet away, but could come close enough to hear anytime. "I hope you're right."
"And I hope that you finally say something about it. I couldn't help but wonder if that was part of why you wanted to go camping with him, to have some time alone and tell him."
"That wasn't part of the original plan, but -"
"But, you should just tell him."
Anthony sighed. "And if you're wrong and he gets weirded out?"
"I'm not wrong, and I don't think he'll run from you screaming if I am. You guys have been best friends for years. It would take a lot to torch that to the ground." Rae gave him a little shove. "Just tell him. It'll be OK."
Anthony's eyes met Sören's across the room, and a moment later Sören came back to them, smiling. Rae mouthed "tell him" before they walked off to where Alyx was getting coffee.
When they were finally ready to go, Anthony and Sören made a detour to the restroom, changing from their shul clothes to clothes more suitable for hiking. Then they got in the back seat of the Prius, letting Rae take the wheel for the drive to Mansocket.
On my way to destiny, Anthony thought to himself, glancing over at Sören, who was looking out the window, and turned back to him with that smile that always melted his heart. Anthony smiled back and steeled himself for finally coming out with it... he just needed to find the right moment.
Various hiking sites online said it would take ninety minutes to walk from the parking lot along the trail to the reservoir; with Anthony and Sören each carrying a large load on their backs - Anthony had the raft and oars - and stopping every now and again for water breaks on a hot July afternoon, it took closer to two hours. But they eventually got there.
They took a longer break at the reservoir, sitting in the grass for awhile and looking around, enjoying the peaceful scenery of the woods, the calm waters, the occasional sighting of egrets. When they were ready, Anthony began to inflate the raft, while Sören kept a lookout for the park ranger or anyone else who might come along and report them.
Once the raft was inflated, Anthony and Sören put on lifejackets just in case, and each took an oar. While Lewis Island was only a third of the way across the reservoir, the reservoir was about 150 acres long and it still took a good amount of time to get there; rowing was harder work than Anthony had anticipated, and it went slowly. More than once, Anthony panicked that the raft would puncture or not be enough to hold their weight and their camping supplies, and breathed a sigh of relief when they finally made land.
The island was small - roughly five acres - but densely covered in trees, tall grasses, bushes and ferns; its pristine wilderness made it feel larger. As they walked across the island to explore and try to find a good camping site, birds and cicadas sang. Despite having put on bug repellent after they left shul, mosquitoes and black flies came at them, sometimes getting a bite - Sören swore in Icelandic each time it happened.
Halfway across the island, they found a pond. Sören's face lit up and Anthony smiled too, delighted at the discovery. "Fuck yeah," Sören said, pulling off his backpack and putting it down in the grass, then immediately began taking off his shirt.
Anthony realized what he was doing. "You're... going to swim in that?"
"More like take a dip, it doesn't look too deep." Sören shrugged as he undid his jeans. "And so few people ever come out here that the water's probably clean enough. And it's fucking hot."
"It sure is," Anthony said, ogling Sören in boxer-briefs. He wondered if now was the right time to confess his feelings, but he felt like he might come off creepy and the last thing he wanted to do was make Sören feel uncomfortable and on guard in such an isolated spot. So he held his tongue and decided to undress as well - though there was good shade on the island, after hours of physical activity on a hot day the water looked inviting.
The pond was fairly shallow - both men were five-ten and the water only came up to their shoulders at its deepest point - but the cool water felt refreshing. Sören and Anthony relaxed together in the peaceful pond, and Anthony sighed with contentment, flexing his toes as all the troubles of the week seemed to wash away. Whatever happened later with telling Sören about his feelings - if he had enough nerve - he would savor this moment, a true reminder of the words of the Talmud, Every man is obligated to say: "For my sake the world was created."
"Now this is Shabbat," Anthony said, looking up at the sky and offering a silent prayer of thanks.
Sören beamed. "Shabbat Shalom, motherfucker."
Anthony threw his head back and laughed at the Hebrew Hammer reference.
They continued to wade in the pond until their fingers were prune skin. Anthony was reluctant to get out of the water, but he knew if he spent too much time shirtless he would burn, since they only had sunblock on their faces and arms.
"I think here is a good spot to set up the tent," Sören said. "That way we have easy access to the pond if we want to go again."
"Sounds good to me." Anthony nodded.
Still in their boxer-briefs and barefoot, they pitched the tent together - the tent was small, designed to sleep two people, and the roof was clear so they could get a good view of the night sky. Then Anthony's bladder announced all the water he'd drank on the trail was ready to come out. Anthony took out the portable toilet kit from Sören's backpack, which had both a commode and a smaller pop-up tent for privacy, and after he set it up he carried in a fresh change of underwear and some toilet paper and broke in the toilet, relieving himself. They would take their waste with them as not to pollute the island - there was a garbage can near the park entrance for when they left tomorrow - and Anthony hoped it wouldn't smell too much between now and tomorrow morning.
Anthony put on dry underwear and when he came out to collect the clothes he'd been wearing and his socks and shoes and put them back on, it was Sören's turn to visit the toilet tent. After Sören got changed back into his clothes and footwear, they continued unpacking their supplies - two sleeping bags and pillows, a portable mp3 player and speaker, some LED lights, and a bag with an ice pack with food and snacks for the night and tomorrow morning, more water and Gatorade, and a kit for kindling a campfire to cook the night's food, being it was humid enough that the forest fire risk was fairly low.
When they were unpacked, they sat outside the tent for a bit to enjoy the fresh air and birdsong and get some electrolytes in their system with Gatorade, and continue to take in the beauty of this space, all of the lush greenery and the pond reflecting the trees and sky. It wouldn't be sunset for a few more hours, but it was late afternoon and the air had that golden tinge, which made their surroundings feel even more peaceful.
After awhile, Sören decided to go inside the tent and stretch out on top of his sleeping bag. Anthony did too - it felt good to lay down after moving around all day; the arthritis in his joints was starting to twinge.
"This is nice," Sören said, and let out a big yawn.
Anthony yawned too, reflexively.
They smiled at each other and moved closer together. Sören reached out to give him a hug, and Anthony wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. As they held each other, Anthony once again considered whether this was the right moment to say something, but it felt good to just be, once again relaxing without a care in the world, this time curled up together, safe in each other's arms, even more delicious than the cool water of the pond had been. Anthony let himself slow down and tune out, feeling the ground underneath him, the warm sun through the roof of the tent, listening to the birds calling... a little piece of Gan Eden. He closed his eyes and soon, rest became a nap.
When Anthony woke, the sun was setting and Sören's head was on his shoulder. For a few minutes he just lay there, feeling that wistful longing again, wishing they could do this all the time. He felt Sören stir, and they looked at each other. Sören smiled and Anthony swallowed hard, smiling back. Tell him, he admonished himself. But the words wouldn't come, lost in those brown eyes, not wanting to potentially destroy another beautiful moment.
After they took turns using the toilet, the sunset was fading. Sören started a fire and Anthony took out tonight's food from the cool pack - Hebrew National kosher beef hot dogs with buns, packets of mustard, a can of chili, a bag of Doritos, and a tub of ready-made potato salad from the supermarket deli. For dessert they had the makings for S'mores - graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate squares.
"I hope we don't fart all night," Anthony quipped, gesturing to the chili.
"It can't possibly be worse than the cats."
Anthony snickered - Sören was probably right. Then he sighed. "I hope they aren't too upset we're gone."
"Me too. But they'll get over it, especially if we bribe them with treats."
They sat together cooking the hot dogs over the fire, listening to the crickets and watching the dusk give way to night, the first stars rising. Anthony's first hot dog fell into the fire and Anthony facepalmed.
"It can be our Havdalah candle," Sören joked as the hot dog burned, giving him a pat. Half-solemnly, half-tongue-in-cheek, Sören began rocking and intoned "Barukh ata Adonai, Eloheinu Melekh ha-olam..."
Anthony laughed. "Oy vey, you are a dork." But he loved it.
Sören handed him another hot dog. They managed to successfully cook the remaining hot dogs, and dressed some with plain mustard and some with the chili. They ate the potato salad straight from the tub, passing it back and forth. They also finished the can of chili the same way, taking turns spooning it out, and shared the bag of Doritos. It was a lot of food, but there was still room for S'mores.
When they began roasting the marshmallows, fireflies flickered around them. The look of wonder on Sören's face went right to Anthony's heart. He too was mesmerized by the glowing lights, and in such a moment of magic Anthony once again tried to push himself. Tell him. Just bloody tell him.
But once again, words failed him. Indeed, it seemed that words would ruin the enchantment as the fireflies danced around them.
Sören managed to get some melted marshmallow and chocolate on his nose, and just like this morning with the donut frosting, Anthony had to fight the urge to lick it off. When Sören realized he'd made a mess on his nose, he shook his head as he cleaned himself. "I am a walking disaster," Sören said.
"You're fabulous, darling," Anthony said, but the words he wanted to say were You're beautiful.
After they were done cooking they put out the campfire just to be on the safe side, but they wanted to stay out awhile longer. Sören brought out the portable mp3 player and speaker and put on a classic rock playlist - Anthony was both amused and dismayed that the songs he grew up with in the 90s were now considered classic rock, not just music from the 70s - and they sat close together, listening to music as the fireflies continued to put on their dazzling light show. They were far enough away from light pollution that they had a clear night sky, and the combination of the sea of stars and the twinkling fireflies made Anthony's eyes tear up. It was one of the best nights of his life, and he was loath to potentially mar the memory by making an ass of himself if Sören rejected him.
And yet. Sören had an arm around him now, a hand on his shoulder, and it was almost unbearable. What's the worst that can happen? Anthony told himself, trying to build up courage. If he says no, well... maybe your friendship will be stronger for surviving the awkwardness.
Anthony exhaled and turned his face. "Sören, I..."
Sören pointed up at the sky. "Holy shit, look!"
A shooting star was falling, and it took Anthony's breath away. "Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech Haolam, oseh ma’aseh v’reisheet," Anthony said, his voice hushed, reverent.
Sören bowed his head and added, "Amen." Then Sören gently shook him. "Make a wish, make a wish..."
Anthony chuckled. It wasn't quite Jewish custom, but he would indulge his best friend anyway. He closed his eyes and offered up not so much a wish but another prayer, silent. If it be Your will, may Sören and I have a long and happy life together, whether it's friendship or something more. He quickly added Sören's Hebrew name, Shalhevet bar-Avraham v'Sarah.
When Sören was done with his wish, he squeezed Anthony's hand. They sat and listened to music, watching the fireflies until the fireflies were gone, then Sören got up to stretch. "I should brush my teeth," Sören said.
"Yeah, me too."
They brushed their teeth together, making funny faces at each other, and when they were finished Sören swatted away more mosquitoes. "Fuck, maybe we should get in the tent before we're eaten alive," Sören muttered.
Anthony's mind immediately went in the gutter, fantasizing about eating Sören out. Now here comes the hard part, Anthony thought to himself, following Sören into their tent, knowing they'd be sharing extremely close quarters until the morning... which would make that ache all the stronger.
Sören took off his socks and shoes, and then he paused, looking deep in thought. He turned to Anthony. "So, what did you wish for?"
Anthony gave a nervous laugh. "Aren't you supposed to keep the wish a secret, or it doesn't come true?"
Sören shrugged. "It's all, like, superstition, so it doesn't really matter, does it?"
Anthony smirked. "Well then, you go first."
"OK." Sören took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. "I wished for you."