The morning after Sören uses the Silmaril to give Mark the most intense orgasms of his life, Mark wakes up just as the sun is rising, and quietly sits at the edge of the bed for a few minutes, watching Sören and Anthony sleeping, tangled up together, perfectly at peace.
Mark feels that fierce, tight ache in his chest, eyes blurring with tears... loving them so much it hurts. He always wants to remember them this way, in this beautiful moment.
The tightness in his chest gives way to a heavy, icy churning in his stomach. He thinks of the story of The Little Mermaid - not the Disney version with the happy ending, but the original Hans Christian Andersen tale where the mermaid is unable to win the sailor's love and instead of killing him and spilling her blood to get her tail back and rejoin her sisters under the sea, she allows herself to die and turn to seafoam. It's an imperfect analogy - he's not a mermaid, and he has their love, he is absolutely sure of that. But there's a similar feeling of being from a different world...
...the desire to sacrifice oneself rather than hurt the beloved.
Mark thinks about the fake documentation Anthony procured for him, sitting in an envelope in a drawer in the studio. While Anthony said the probable-IRA operative "seemed nice", that doesn't change the fact that Anthony potentially put himself in harm's way for him. Knowing humans are much more easily injured and killed than his kind makes that act more significant.
And it makes Mark wonder what else Anthony - and Sören - are capable of, to protect or care for a loved one. Mark has been in some precarious situations over the centuries, and while many of the hardships humans had to endure in times past are no longer a thing most people in a first world country have to worry about, times are still more dangerous than ever. America is on a clear slide to fascism. Madmen like Putin have access to nuclear weapons. The climate is changing, resources are dwindling. The next global pandemic will undoubtedly be worse than COVID-19, which has already killed millions. The thought of Anthony and Sören putting themselves much more directly in harm's way for him gives Mark a lot of pause.
Even if they just age normally and die of natural causes... it's going to be hard on Mark to go through that again, but hardest of all this time, knowing who Sören and Anthony are, having already lost Fëanor and Finarfin once before. It seems like the memories of partners and chosen family sickening and dying feel longer than the life spent with them, and Mark doesn't want beautiful memories like yesterday to be overshadowed by a decline.
With a heavy heart, Mark rises to his feet and goes out on the terrace to watch the dawn, and though he's not very up on current music, his mind recites a lyric from Florence and the Machine: I never knew daylight could be so violent.
Usually the breaking of dawn is a sacred thing - a new day, life going on. But as Mark watches the gold and pink blaze the sky and fade, it feels like a confirmation of doom, that the fire of passion he shares with Sören and Anthony will fade as the years pass and their bodies and minds go.
And he knows now what he must do, as much as it pains him to do it - all the more for how it will hurt them, even though they understand.
Mark closes his eyes just before the dawn can completely fade away, to burn a picture in his mind's eye of what it looks like. Then he turns around, goes back inside, and does the same with Sören and Anthony snuggling together so sweetly.
He closes his eyes again and thinks about the way the sky looked the morning he threw the Silmaril into the sea, fiery red as if the whole world was angry, and now he pictures his heart bleeding away into seafoam, rolling off on those red tides.
Mark makes himself sit on the decision for three days - he knows impulsivity might as well be hard-wired into his DNA, and for something serious and final like this, he wants to be absolutely sure.
But three days later he still holds the same view. As much as he doesn't want to leave, doesn't want to hurt them, doesn't want to hurt for them - he will miss them terribly, and the cats - this seems like the only way to spare himself more trauma, and possibly them as well.
Now he needs a plan, before he tells them he's leaving. Mark has managed to save enough money since he moved in that he can put a deposit on an apartment, but he would rather not have to deal with a landlord and being at the mercy of rent hikes, rules and inspections, subject to changing whims. He thinks about possibly getting a tiny house and living off the grid as much as he can get away with - maybe something he can move along with him when he's been somewhere long enough where his lack of aging looks suspicious - but he's going to need more time to save up, and he doesn't want to ask to stay for another six months to a year, knowing the longer he stays the harder it will be to leave.
He considers his options, and thinks about his friend in Indiana, a non-op trans man named Joshua, in his forties, who he e-mails once in awhile. He composes a quick e-mail:
Hey Josh, things aren't working out here in Maine and I need a place to crash for a few weeks/months as I look for a job and save up for my own place. Do you and Jason have a spare room, or would be willing to let me sleep on the couch?
He feels really awkward about it, and he doesn't expect an answer any time soon or even that day, knowing he's asking a huge favor, but to his surprise and relief Joshua responds within an hour.
Hi Mark! I'm sorry things aren't working out there, that really sucks.
I don't know if I ever told you this or not, but Jason and I don't live together. I was in an abusive relationship years ago and I decided after that to never live with a partner again, and Jason's in the same boat, so he and I just take turns hanging out and sleeping over each other's places. I live in a studio apartment with my cat and don't really have room for anyone else here, but Jason rents a 2-bedroom and it happens that he has a roommate who's moving out at the beginning of July so if you can hang on that long, I can ask him if he'd be willing to let you move in, and he can e-mail you himself to negotiate rent and stuff. I don't think he'd have a problem with it. Sound good?
Mark replies immediately with Yes.
Then Mark puts down his laptop and leans back, feeling the weight of the world crashing down on his shoulders. He doesn't relish the prospect of living in Indiana - too land-locked, too conservative - but he doesn't really have a lot of options. And at least he knows Joshua well enough - and Jason, by extension - to feel reasonably safe there as he works on saving money for a tiny house.
Mark buries his face in his hands, trying not to cry. Trying to keep himself together so he can think of how to break the news to Anthony and Sören.
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