Even though Ted still can't wrap his head around the fact that some people don't identify as male or female but something else entirely, Dougal - excuse us, Feck - is his best friend and he wants Feck to be happy. And Feck seems a lot happier since they came out and changed their name. It seems such a small thing to try to respect Feck's new name and pronouns, so.
Unfortunately, not everyone feels the same way. Father Dick Byrne decided to break the news to Bishop Brennan, and now Bishop Brennan is here, in their living room.
Feck comes in late from having attended today's meeting of the local LGBT Club. It's the worst possible timing - there's Feck wearing rainbow shutter shades and a Non-Binary Pride scarf. If looks could kill, the glare Bishop Brennan is giving Feck could annihilate them on the spot.
"Oh hello Len," Feck says.
"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME LEN, YOU LITTLE PRICK!" Bishop Brennan roars, clenching his fists. "I AM A BISHOP!"
"Oh, right." Feck gives an awkward little wave. "You must be really good at chess then."
Bishop Brennan sneers. "Maybe I shouldn't call you a prick. Maybe I should call you a cunt. Or whatever the bleeding hell you... you... you people call your genitalia..."
"Steve," Feck says. "I call mine Steve."
Bishop Brennan's mouth opens, and hangs open for a full minute, then he closes it. "All right, Crilly... and you... I'll get to the point. Only men can be priests. If you don't identify as male, you can't be a priest anymore. Quite frankly, Dougal, the Lord made us male and female, it is a sin to reject the body God gave you and you're going to Hell."
"Hell! I hear that's a really fun nightclub in Dublin," Feck says, smiling and nodding. "The LGBT Club might go there sometime -"
"LGBT CLUB!!!" Bishop Brennan's face is as red as his robes. "YOU ARE PROMOTING DEGENERACY! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! WE ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH SCANDALS IN THE CHURCH WITHOUT YOU BEING A GROOMING PERVERT -"
"Careful now," Ted says, feeling himself bristling with annoyance. He may not understand this non-binary sort of thing, but Feck is no groomer, and definitely no pervert.
"But Len, if we don't groom Father Jack, his nails will grow over a foot long and you don't want to know about what happens to his hair," Feck says with a wince.
"FECK OFF!" Jack bellows, then falls back asleep.
"I am giving you ONE chance, Dougal McGuire. Renounce and repent of this L... Bee Gees... BLT... nonsense at once, or you won't be a priest anymore." Bishop Brennan shakes a finger.
"But..." Feck frowns. "What else will I do with my life?"
And then Feck's eyes well up, and Ted feels his heart breaking - his best friend in the world is about to have their entire life destroyed by this man. And then he gets angry. He clears his throat as the lights and bells go off in his head, realizing the right thing to do. "Bishop Brennan, may I have a word with you? Outside."
Ted takes Bishop Brennan outside, while Feck and Jack watch from the door and Mrs. Doyle watches from the window. Bishop Brennan stands there with his hands on his hips. "I'm waiting, Crilly -"
Ted shoves Bishop Brennan and the bishop topples over and breaks his fall by dropping on his hands and knees, arse in the air. Ted kicks Bishop Brennan up the arse as hard as he can.
After Bishop Brennan has a moment to recover, he runs to his car. "I'M GOING TO EXCOMMUNICATE YOU! ALL OF YOU!" Bishop Brennan screams as he gets in.
"GOOD! WE'LL START OUR OWN CHURCH, SO! ONE THAT WELCOMES ALL PEOPLE! LIKE THE GOOD LORD HIMSELF WOULD DO!" Ted screams back.
And thinks to himself, One where they're not watching what we do with the donations as closely. In his mind's eye Ted sees himself disco dancing and playing blackjack...