"Hey Ted, I've got something to tell ya."
Ted puts down his cup of tea. "For the last time, Dougal, unicorns aren't real."
"Oh, right." Dougal looks off to the side with a small smile. "No Ted, it's not that. You know that LGBT group I joined? And how I came out as asexual? Well, I found out something else about myself, Ted. I'm non-binary!"
"What does that mean?" Ted narrows his eyes.
"It means I'm not really male or female, I'm something else."
Ted facepalms. "There are only two genders, Dougal."
"FECK! ARSE!" Jack yells from his seat.
Dougal tries to count on their fingers and gives up. "There's billions of people on the planet and you're trying to tell me there's only two genders?" Dougal snorts. "Come on now, next you'll be telling me that bit about the guy who got swallowed by the whale is real!"
Ted sighs.
"Well, I think it's lovely," Mrs. Doyle says, walking over with more tea. "Everyone is special and unique and we should celebrate each other's differences! Tea, Father?"
"No thank you," Ted says.
"Oh, go on."
"No thank you."
"Go on."
"No thank you."
"Go on."
"No thank you."
"Go on, go on, go on -"
Months later, Dougal decides they're going to legally get their name changed, to reflect their new gender identity. While Ted still isn't sure about this, he wants to be supportive of his best friend, so he and Jack go along for the trip to the courthouse.
When they're almost there, Dougal lets it slip. "You know, I haven't decided my name yet."
"You... what." Ted pulls over. "You're going to the courthouse to get your name legally changed and you still haven't picked out a name?"
"Well, no. I just thought one might come to me, or maybe you would help, or..."
"Dougal, you have five minutes to pick out a name, or so help me God, I'm turning around and driving us home!"
It's the longest five minutes of Ted's life. He feels like tearing his hair out. How can someone go to all this trouble just to not have a name already picked out?
"Think, Dougal. Think."
"Well, I don't want a male name or a female name. Maybe... maybe... I'll name myself Clonrichert after the Holy Stone."
"NO, DOUGAL, NO YOU WILL NOT."
"Ecumenical? Is that a good name?"
"NO."
Jack wakes up from his nap in the back seat. "FECK! ARSE!"
"That's it!" Dougal claps their hands together. "Feck Arse McGuire! That has a nice ring to it."
"NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU CANNOT NAME YOURSELF FECK ARSE." Ted pulls back onto the road and prepares to turn around. "We're going home, Dougal. Enough of this, you can't name yourself Feck Arse."
"DRINK!" Jack screams. "DRINK!"
"You're right, Ted, you're right." Dougal's face lights up. "Feck Arse Drink McGuire!"
"TRANS RIGHTS!" Jack yells. "FECK OFF, TERF GOBSHITES!"
Despite himself, Ted keeps driving to the courthouse, if only to see the look on Father Dick Byrne's face when he informs him Father Dougal is now going by Father Feck.