Sharon went back to Portland before Dooku came back from Portland to pick up his cat on Sunday afternoon, and Sören and Dooku went out for a late lunch before Mark picked up Sören and the cat on Sunday evening - with Sören leaving Hells and the KISS action figures at his own house, not ready to return them to Mark just yet. True to Mark's promise that he'd re-establish dominance over Sören every time he played elsewhere, he listened to the details of Sören being pegged by Sharon and then had him in every position Sharon had him - Sören riding Mark, then Mark taking Sören from behind, finishing with Mark on his knees, Sören's legs on his shoulders, Mark fucking Sören harder than Sharon had.
Sören strolled into campus on the morning of Monday the twenty-third walking funny, with a great big cheesy, shit-eating grin on his face. He would have been strutting if he weren't moving so gingerly. When he saw Karen arrive his face lit up even more, and Karen flashed him a smile in return that made his heart sing.
At their break he offered the rainbow sweet-and-sour gummy worms he'd bought over the weekend, and Karen laughed as she took one. Then Karen said, "Would you like to go out for coffee after classes are over?"
Sören's heart skipped a beat. It didn't sound like a date, and he was still cautious enough of boundaries to not ask her to clarify what it was, but he was happy to spend some time with her regardless. He nodded. "Sure. I have to tell Nico I won't need a ride home." Then he had a fit of mischief. "Actually, can we run in my house for me to get something? There's a Starbucks and a park not too far from where I live."
"Sure!"
Sören felt nervous all the way back in Karen's car, but he was glad to have some company, and kept smiling at her, which she returned, making him flush and flutter. When they got to Sören's house, Sören invited her in for a minute as he got what he came for. "You want to meet my cat?"
Karen made a happy noise. "You have a kitty?"
Karen got to pet Snúður and fuss over him while Sören used the bathroom, then Sören had Hells and the KISS action figures ready to go in his backpack. At Starbucks they went over lesson plans for the coming week, and then Sören broke the ice by doing something he normally didn't do with people he didn't know well and showed Karen his sketchbook, or the most recent version.
"I have more at home with older stuff," Sören said. "This is what I've been working on over the last few months."
"Sören, wow." Karen chuckled when she saw the sketch of her, that had become a painting. "These are amazing."
"Takk."
Karen continued thumbing through it, studying in detail, as Sören zipped open the backpack he brought and assembled Hells and the KISS action figures around his pumpkin spice latte and hers. When Karen noticed what he was doing she howled.
"What... in the world..."
"I'm trolling somebody who needs to laugh." Sören smirked as he took photos.
After their coffee they went to the nearby park. They sat for awhile to feed the ducks and geese and just relax in the calm serenity of the pond and the autumn leaves. Then Sören got up and gestured for Karen to follow. The playground was empty, and Sören arranged Hells and the KISS dolls on the swings and slide and sandbox, taking more pictures as Karen had a gigglefit. At last Sören took a swing himself.
"I'M AN ADULLLLLLLLLLT," Sören yelled as he kicked himself into the air, swinging back and forth.
Karen got on a swing next to him and she began to pump her legs, flying out as Sören swung back, sailing back as Sören soared out. Back and forth they went like two parts of a harmony, until a grownup came in with small children and gave them a dirty look like they didn't belong there, another dirty look when Sören collected Hells and the KISS action figures and shoved them back in his backpack. Sören and Karen snickered on their way out of the playground.
They went back to Sören's place again so Karen could pet Snúður some more, the cat sitting on her lap and purring loudly, but Karen said, "I'm afraid I can't stay too long. I have a scheduled video chat with my brother Ben in a bit before it gets too much later his time... the time difference overseas and all..."
"Oh jæja, I understand, I do video chat with my cousin Ari from time to time so I hear that." Sören nodded, feeling a guilty prickle that it had been a few weeks and he needed to remedy that soon. "And I do have dinner with Nico later, next door. But I had fun!"
"I did too," Karen said. "I'd like to do this again."
"So would I." Sören nodded.
"It's good to be friends when we're working so closely together."
"I agree."
"And..." Karen took a deep breath. "I haven't forgotten what I told you last week, that I'd like to have a shoulder about, well... what happened in 2016. It's why I'm in the States now. So..." Her eyes met Sören's. "What are you doing Friday?"
"In the afternoon? Nothing. In the evening, I have plans."
Sören wondered if now was a good time to tell her he was in a relationship with Mark - he and Mark had thus far been erring on the side of keeping the nature of their relationship private at work, though Dooku knew. Sören did understand that if he was going to take Sharon's advice of asking Karen on a date that wasn't a just-friends-date, he was going to have to be honest with her that he was in an open relationship and involved with more than one person and would have to portion out his time. But he didn't want to go there until he had to go there, and currently he felt like it was a good idea to keep testing the waters before he went there.
"OK, so Friday afternoon after class, we can do coffee again maybe?"
"Yes."
Karen raised an eyebrow. "Do you have a Halloween costume picked out yet?"
"I do." Sören grinned. "It's a surprise."
Karen snickered. "Do your little friends have Halloween costumes picked out yet?"
Sören threw his head back and laughed. "I like how you think."
_
On Thursday night, as Sören and Mark lay together in the afterglow of their lovemaking, with Snúður curled up on one side of them and Huan on the other, Sören said, "So, hey, Mark, I have to tell you something."
Mark sat up a little and nodded, like he'd known Sören had things on his mind. He waited.
"You know my teaching assistant? Karen?" Sören looked up at him, feeling nervous. "I, ah. I'm crushing on her pretty hard."
"I see."
"Sharon - haha that rhymes, Sharon and Karen, anyway - Sharon said I should say something to her about it, like... politely, no pressure. I'm worried, I don't want to make things awkward with someone I work with closely, for her or myself, but I felt like I owed it to you to be honest about any theoretical potential partners before I do something."
"I appreciate that," Mark said.
"For the record, I don't know that I'm going to. Like I said, I'm worried -"
"Well, the fact that you're telling me you're at least considering it means you want to, even if you're undecided about whether or not you will."
"Do you have any thoughts or advice?"
"I'm going to be a bit of a hypocrite here, considering how afraid I was of getting involved with you as a mortal, before I couldn't resist anymore... and I'm going to tell you that maybe you should say something to her, if not right away, then... eventually. Pining for someone for months without doing anything about it has the potential to make things as awkward as just telling them and being rejected." Mark gave him a pointed look then. "As you know."
Sören felt like he'd been slapped. "Oh no. Et tu, Marcus?"
Mark simply raised an eyebrow in response.
Sören covered his face with his hands and let out a little scream, one that frightened the cat off the bed. Then Sören shook his head. "Why does everyone think I have a thing for Nico?" His face was on fire, not wanting his mind to conjure the mental image of Dooku sweaty and shirtless, or how dapper he was in a suit, or the warmth in his dark eyes when he smiled at Sören, their games of chess, sitting out under the stars...
"Do you want a doctorate thesis, or?"
"Or." Sören glared, facepalmed, slid his hand down his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Definitely or." He glared at Mark again. "It's that obvious?"
"Sören, if it were any more obvious you'd be wearing a sign. Though, it's either not obvious to him, or he's the most polite gentleman in the world and not bringing it up to not embarrass you."
"Well, he is polite." Sören shrugged.
"Sören, you need to tell him."
"No." Sören shook his head. "That is a hard no."
"Why the bloody Hells not? What harm could it do?" Now it was Mark's turn to glare.
"I don't even think he's gay."
"How do you know Dooku isn't gay? Have you asked him?"
"No. I feel like that would be rude. We've been close friends for a year and he has never once brought up his sexual orientation."
"That doesn't sound like straight people behavior, does it?"
"It doesn't sound like gay people behavior, either! And he knows I'm openly queer, so like, if he was? He would have already been out to me. But of course he's not, because, you know, he's not."
"They say 'assume' makes an 'ass' of 'u' and 'me', Sören..."
"Well, I'd be a bigger ass now to ask. I'd feel like an ass. And generally, straight guys tend to freak the fuck out if you ask them 'so, like, are you gay, or what'?"
"Let's say you're wrong and he's gayer than RuPaul on a rainbow cake. What then?"
"That still doesn't mean he'd be into me." Sören repeated what he'd said to Sharon: "I feel like he thinks of me as his idiot brother."
Mark gave a small cough and his lips quirked; Sören wondered what was up with his reaction.
But then reality came crashing back to him, before he could speculate on Mark's reaction too much, and Sören shook his head, irritated with himself for having feelings at all. "I don't want to ruin my friendship with him. I have already been through so much hurt, my pride can't take that kind of rejection, OK?" Sören shrugged. "It's enough that he's in my life as a friend. I'll just have to keep those feelings under ice."
Mark pinched the bridge of his nose, a pained look on his face. Then he gave Sören a little kiss on the cheek. "We should get some sleep now." He held Sören tight for a long moment, to defuse the tension between them.
"Jæja, good night, sleep tight..."
"Don't let the love bugs bite." Mark chuckled. "Though it's more like the hounds of love at this point."
"Fuck you."
Mark grinned as he gave Sören a kiss. "Always, little flame."
_
The afternoon of Friday the twenty-seventh, Sören and Karen went to Starbucks after class, and then Karen brought him to a toy store. Karen and Sören spent awhile just browsing and playing with toys like big kids, and then Sören got slightly more serious as Karen brought him to the section where there were outfits for Barbie and Ken dolls and other types of dolls in a similar size to the KISS action figures. Sören made some difficult decisions on outfits, and on a whim he also picked out some furniture meant for a Barbie house and other types of doll houses, and a garishly hot pink Barbie Corvette convertible for the KISS action figures to ride in. Karen howled, doubling over.
It didn't stop there. There were pieces of clothing meant for stuffed animals, and Sören got a glittery rainbow beret and faux leather jacket for Hells. And for Hells's Halloween costume, he picked out a small, unicorn-or-teddy-sized wizard hat, fake spectacles, and a replica Harry Potter wand.
"We're good to go," Sören said.
At Sören's house he put on tea - he'd learned to make "proper English tea" from Dooku, who was fussy about it - and with Snúður on her lap, Karen's mood went from mischievous and lighthearted to more pensive.
"OK," Karen said. "I have a bit of a story here, and it goes a ways back."
"I've got time," Sören said.
"I used to be a barrister," Karen said. "I was Crown Prosecution. I was damned good at it."
Sören let out a low whistle. "I bet. Though... that's quite a bit of a career change, going from that to, well, this."
Karen nodded. "I had an eating disorder, I was having panic attacks... I had burnout. It wasn't the life for me. It wasn't a life. There are attorneys who probably thrive on the adrenaline and the insane hours... I wasn't one of them. My hand was forced out of the job when I was in a car accident."
"Oh, shit." Sören frowned. "I'm sorry." He sipped his tea, feeling for her, a tight ache in his chest. He resisted the impulse to come over and give her a hug, not wanting to be physically inappropriate and make her feel weird. "Is that why..."
"Oh no. There's more, Sören."
Sören braced himself. Burnout and a car accident was bad enough, he had a feeling whatever else would be said would break his heart. On impulse, he got up and came back with tissues.
Karen wasn't yet at the point of crying, but she mumbled her thanks anyway. "I decided to move to Scotland after taking a holiday there and falling in love with it. I went back to school, which is why I'm your teaching assistant now, getting into the field of teaching fine arts was what I decided my real calling was. There's so much magic being lost to the world that needs to be renewed, inspiring new generations..."
"Oh, I absolutely agree."
"I thought you might." Karen looked at the print of Starry Night by Van Gogh framed in Sören's living room - Dooku had gotten him a replacement for the one Seth had destroyed in one of his outbursts. "Anyway, one weekend I was out at a pub, drinking. There were footballers in town, as sometimes the teams go up for a bit of golf." Karen took a deep breath. "I was harassed by one of them. He got very belligerent, very..." She made a face.
"Gross." Sören made a face too. He felt a surge of anger in the man's general direction, wherever he was.
"I should have heeded my gut to go back home then. I was out with a couple of friends, and when I went to the restroom and came back, I had one more drink. Apparently... something was in that drink."
"Oh, Jesus. Karen. No."
"Yeah." Karen nodded. She sighed and looked down.
"Sorry, I didn't mean 'no' like I don't believe you." Sören wanted to drill a hole in the floor and crawl in and die. "I meant 'no' as in 'the fucking nerve of people'..."
"OK." Karen looked up. "I thought so, but..." She sighed again.
"No believe me, I know that sexual assault victims tend to not be believed." Sören swallowed hard. "I know from personal experience."
Karen's eyes widened. "You mean..."
"Karen, I don't want to hijack your story, if there's more to tell -"
"There's a bit more, yeah."
"- but if it would make you feel better at all for me to tell you what happened to me... I don't know, solidarity and all that, so you know I'm on your side..."
Karen reached out and squeezed his hand and nodded. "Please. Yes."
"I got my doctorate at University of Toronto," Sören said. "I went to stay with my genius astrophysicist brother, who teaches there, after I couldn't hack my internship as a doctor, couldn't deal with patients dying. Toronto's party scene is exactly as wild as The Weeknd sings about, it is like that, and I was part of it while I lived there. I was doing ecstasy and ketamine on the weekends to get through school. I was roofied, and I was raped and still don't remember what happened except I woke up... used."
"Oh Jesus, Sören, I'm sorry." Karen's eyes misted.
"That was not the last time I was raped. I moved down here after I got my Ph.D., I didn't want to stay in Toronto anymore and play Schrodinger's Rapist with worrying about whether every random person I met was my assailant, even though Toronto is a huge city. Well, I met this guy, Seth, on a dating app."
"Oh." Karen's eyes widened. "You're gay?"
"I'm bisexual." Sören gave her a pointed look. "I've... had more experience with men, but I like women too."
Karen nodded, her cheeks flushing.
"Anyway... Seth. He was... well, he was my first real long-term relationship. I was used to feeling shitty about myself from my guardians that I didn't really see that the red flags were red flags when they came up. The verbal abuse was first. Then it escalated into physical abuse. Finally, he started forcing himself on me. More than once. Repeatedly."
Karen reached for the tissues now. She grabbed one. Sören didn't cry for himself, feeling cold and numb as he related his own story to her. "He put me in a car accident, which is why I don't drive now, I'm too spooked. I tried and I just... I can't get farther than a couple blocks without freaking out. I stayed with Nico next door for close to a month after the accident because I was too injured to take care of myself and he was amazing. He made me feel safe again. I didn't go to the police about Seth because if you report a rapist, the courts here act like you're the one who did something wrong."
"I know, Sören. It's like that elsewhere, too."
Oh god, I bet you do. Sören continued bracing himself for what was to come. "I knew that I have strikes against me - I'm a queer man with a promiscuous sexual history, they bring that shit up when the opposition is trying to rip your case apart, and I'm an immigrant and it's not a friendly time to be an immigrant in this country, even one from someplace 'white'." Sören made air quotes and made a face, knowing it would be worse if he was from South America or the African continent or the Middle East, disgusted by racism. "So as much as it still sits badly with me that I never prosecuted, I just... I couldn't put myself through that for the small chance that he'd get convicted. I feel like a coward."
"You're not a coward, Sören. It's very understandable."
"He was dealt with, though. Nico. He found Seth at his place of employment, shoved Seth into his car, drove him out to the middle of the woods, beat the shit out of him, really fucked him up - this guy takes martial arts, seriously - and Nico stranded him there. It was a freezing night in December. Seth left town. This was before I told Nico about the rape, this was just what he knew about the physical abuse - Nico defended me when he saw Seth hit me, too."
"Wow."
"Please don't tell the police that Nico -"
"I won't, Sören. And, well..." Karen nodded. "That ties in with what I'm about to tell you."
"Oh boy." Sören leaned back and made an "all yours" gesture.
"I woke up in the guy's hotel room. Used. He was going to do it again, and he got violent, and he started talking about how he was going to kill me after. He tried choking me to death. I fought back and I ended up bludgeoning him to death."
Sören's jaw dropped.
"I killed a man, Sören. His name was Justin Roberts. He was an upcoming football star. He was being hailed as the next Beckham."
"I... was born without the sports gene, and he sounds like a real scumbag anyway." Sören wanted to spit. "Good on you to kill him." Sören's chest tightened, a mixture of rage that anyone would dare hurt her - that anyone would hurt anyone this way - and sorrow for the trauma both of the rape itself and that killing anyone was a non-trivial thing for most people, even when the person dying deserved it, even when it was justifiable, knowing this would haunt Karen for the rest of her life. He was also proud of her for killing him. "Like a Valkyrie." He needed tissues now, tearing up for her.
"Well... you'd think so, but I had to go to court." Karen took a deep breath, and her cheeks turned slightly pink. "My defense attorney was someone I went to school with. Anthony. Older than you and I by just a few years. Was nicknamed the Shark - I had to face him in court years ago and he was lethal, but he was exactly the right person to have on my side when what happened, happened. And not just because he's brilliant, but he genuinely felt for my situation. He has a conscience, he got into defense precisely because of situations like this, people killing abusive partners, people who fell down the wrong path because of poverty or addiction or illness... anyway." Karen's flush deepened. "He was... well, he wasn't quite for me what Professor Dooku was for you, but he was like a rock during that time. I found out that Justin Roberts had gotten me pregnant, and he went with me for moral support when I had an abortion."
Sören nodded. "I'm glad this, ah... Anthony... was there for you." He also felt a strange prickle at the back of his neck that he didn't understand. For the briefest instant it felt like a pair of eyes were watching him, like a predatory bird, like he'd come on something's radar. He shook it off with a frisson down his spine.
"He tried to cheer me up, as he could." Karen shook her head. "Anthony's the one I was telling you about, the one who used to call me Bella Swan. It annoyed me when we were in school, and years later when we were facing each other in the courtroom. He said he did it because he likes swans and he claims he's never read Twilight."
Sören was starting to notice certain tells - the pink in her cheeks, the look in her eye - and he said, "Were you...?"
"No, Sören, we weren't. He..." Karen sat back in her chair. "He'd just gotten out of a bad relationship with a married man who lied to him about being married - and he's gay, and he wouldn't date a client regardless, it's not professional. Not to mention that when your sexual history is paraded around in the courtroom when you're trying to prove someone raped you, well... we had to be careful. It was bad enough to meet for professional reasons, risky enough for him to go with me when I terminated the pregnancy. And as for me, it was... well... I'd be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to him, but like I said, he's gay, not bisexual at all, and even if he was, I wouldn't have been able to handle a relationship at that time, I was a mess. So it was just professional. No lines crossed."
Sören thought about the crush he'd had on Dooku months ago, while he didn't pursue it because he felt like damaged goods after Seth. He rather understood Karen's mindset. He also thought that was tragic, and it made him tear up more, aching for the pain she must have been in.
"The one-year anniversary I told you about was my acquittal. It was a difficult day because even though it meant the case was over, and I wasn't going to go to prison, wasn't going to go through the wringer of constant interrogations and my entire life under a microscope... it wasn't really over. It's why I'm here in the States now." Now Karen took a tissue, starting to get misty. "Football fans in the UK are a special brand of crazy. The police tried to protect my identity at first, but it was leaked. I got harassed, I got threatened. I was in literal fear for my life. Being known as 'the bitch who killed our golden boy, Justin Roberts.'"
"I don't know, sounds like you deserve a medal of honor." Sören also teared up some more, furious.
Karen gave a bitter laugh. "So... I had to leave the country, for my own safety."
"Do you still keep in touch with..."
Karen shook her head. "From time to time I wonder how he's doing but it's too painful to try to look him up. Though I imagine that even if I did... well, he got it even worse than I did. He had to have a bomb squad sent to his chambers at one point -"
"Jesus Fucking Christ..."
"So there's a strong chance he may not be in the country either. I saw him looking at travel brochures during one of our last meetings." Karen pursed her lips. "I can't blame him, though it's a shame if the British legal system lost him."
"They brought it on themselves if they can't fucking protect people better than they do." Sören felt the tears flowing. "I'm so sorry, Karen."
"Yeah. So am I."
"I don't judge you. I don't think any less of you."
"I know."
"You're very strong. Very brave."
"Can I... can I have a hug, Sören?"
Sören had been hesitant about touching her, not wanting her to feel triggered in any way, but he came over and pulled her into a fierce hug now, and they cried on each other. Sören cried for Karen more than for himself, wishing there was something he could do to take her pain, make it better, and knowing that he couldn't. What was done was done.
What he did know, now, was that he did in fact have to be very, very careful. He was still interested in her, but he was especially mindful of potential boundary violations now, so... he tried to cool the fire in him, where she was concerned. Pining for months might not be ideal, but neither was sending her into a panic, another man for her to feel unsafe around, another prick seeing her as a sex object and nothing more.
After they held each other for awhile, Karen rubbed Sören's arm. "Thank you, Sören."
"You're welcome. Anytime you need a shoulder to cry on, well... I don't know what your friend situation is like here, but I'd like to be there for you if you need me." Sören genuinely meant that, not even in the hopes that it would turn into more, but Karen really seemed like she needed someone in her corner.
"Right now, I need to laugh. I need to get my mind off of... all of that. Not leave here on such a sad note."
"I can try." Sören got up. "Let's do a test run with the Halloween costumes for the KISS dolls."
They did. Gene Simmons had a glittery hot pink party dress. Ace Frehley was given a charcoal grey suit with white dress shirt and grey tie. Peter Criss was given a rainbow-colored "scene hair" wig and a cybergoth-raver outfit in black and neon green. Paul Stanley had a "Malibu Ken" type outfit with a hibiscus-flowered shirt, board shorts, and a fake flower lei. Then after they were dressed, the newly-dressed up KISS action figures were seated in different poses in their new furniture - lawn chairs, a couch, a bathtub - and to take turns riding two at a time in the Corvette. Karen and Sören were in hysterics, laughing as hard as they'd cried, laughing even harder when Snúður began to chase the Corvette around the living room floor, and dragged Gene Simmons away by the hem of his new glittery pink party dress, in his mouth, like it was a prize. Karen fell over on the floor, rolling.
"Oh. My. God. Sören. I think I broke something." Karen leaned on him, wheezing.
"God, why are we like this?"
"I don't know, but I like it."
And Sören felt that ache again - he really wanted to kiss her, but he doubled down on his resolve to say nothing, do nothing. She needed a friend. He needed to be a friend, needed to not make her feel threatened by him.
When it was time for Sören to walk Karen to her car, they lingered for a moment, and then Karen grabbed him and hugged him again. As the old-gold light of late afternoon washed over them, setting golden fire to Karen's silvery-white hair flowing loose, Sören heard a loud croak and looked up to see a raven flying, circling, for a moment blotting out the sun. His jaw dropped - he'd seen a lot of crows since moving to Oregon, but that was most certainly a raven.
Karen saw it too, before she got in her car. She waved to it as it began descending, flying closer to them, staring at them - Sören got chills - and she called, "Hey! Nevermore!"
The raven croaked again and took a shit on the hood of Karen's car before flying off.
Mark came over that evening - Sören hid Hells and the KISS action figures, not ready to return them just yet. As Mark set to work making dinner and Sören kept Mark company in the kitchen, he asked, "How did it go with Karen?"
"It went."
Mark raised an eyebrow. "That sounds... hm." Mark continued chopping vegetables. "Did you say something to her?"
"I can't."
Mark sighed. "Sören, you remember what I told you about pining -"
"OK, look. I can't get into her personal business here, but..." Sören shook his head. "After some stuff I found out, she's going to have to be the one to ask me, if we go there. I have to be... careful. That's all I can tell you."
Later in the evening, Sören found himself getting upset about Karen again, trying not to cry, but Mark knew he was upset.
"Make love to me," Sören said. "I need to get out of my head for awhile."
Without a word, Mark physically picked Sören up off the couch and carried Sören down the hall in his arms to the bedroom. They made slow, sweet, tender love for hours, tasting and touching every inch of each other's bodies, sucking and rimming each other, the two taking turns inside each other. They came again and again, but still hungered for more, losing themselves in that dreamy haze of sensuality, where everything was beautiful and nothing hurt, there was only love, togetherness, joy, the intoxicating mix of their wild passion blended with the peace of belonging, having space to just be with each other.
When it was all over, Mark rocked Sören in his arms and sang "Stairway To Heaven" to put Sören to sleep.