written in December 2024
In November 2013, I came out as transmasc [I began saying I was a boy back in the early 80s], and in early 2014 started living as male; by the end of 2014 I was using he/him pronouns exclusively.
Even though I didn't really quite pass without T and top surgery [binding only did so much], I still continued to present masculine with short hair/baggy "guy" clothes/etc and wearing a binder in public; I also used a male name [Jon] and went by he/him.
From 2014 through 2024, I dealt with cyberbullying + IRL harassment [for example, I received death threats and corrective rape threats online and I would get harassed no matter which bathroom I used unless it was family/single occupancy]; the cyberbullying accelerated in 2020 and beyond when a Big Name Fan and her friends began a smear campaign about me that put me on the radar of many, many more bad actors.
I also felt extremely unsupported by the LGBT "community" which is toxic and judgmental - not only judged for how I perform masculinity and my inability to access care by other trans men, but judged for identifying as an "icky" man by everyone else, because Men Are Problematic, except when people would make infantilizing "soft boi smol bean" remarks. I got tired of the euphemism treadmill [for example, hearing that we can't say AFAB/AMAB anymore, or being accused of "exclusion" because I say LGBT+ being I am an Old and my ADD brain can't remember the extra letters after the T half the time *and* I remember when it was GLBT] and the insistence on being a hivemind on certain political issues with no room for nuance or else we "deserved" a cancel mob of dogpiling and dragging. Additionally, being a gay trans man is hard enough without lacking access to T and top surgery, so it made dating pretty much impossible apart from a couple of nasty-ass chasers, and I heard a lot of disgusting things from cis gay men about the mere existence of gay trans men, even the ones who pass.
Despite all this, I tried to "stay strong" and continued keeping on, because of my bodily dysphoria, even as I felt like I was fighting a losing battle with the entire world. I also worried that I'd lose friends if I "gave up" and desisted and people would think I'd become a TERF.
After I experienced severe to-my-face transphobia during a week inpatient in June 2024 and subsequently had to start going to regular appointments for therapy/meds + physical health issues and dealing more regularly with the public out here in 'Murrica, I began seriously considering desisting for safety reasons. My decision was finalized by the results of the 2024 election, where it became clear over half the country hates trans people and the left was just fine blaming us for why Harris lost, so after eleven years I have returned to living as female IRL. My life is already on "hard mode" being chronically ill and handicapped, without facing yet more meatspace harassment and risk of whatever's coming for transfolk in the next several years, and no I can't "just move", I have no options to move due to financial hardship + other countries not being willing to take disabled people [my one option for leaving the US is Israel, which I would rather not do].
I honestly thought in 2013-2014 that things would eventually get better for trans people, and I was... way, way wrong. In hindsight, I wish I had never come out and had kept my boyfeelings to myself because social transition without the ability to also medically transition complicated my life in mostly negative ways, and in some ways it also made my dysphoria worse because I didn't pass trying my hardest and on top of that I was shamed by other trans people for "feminine" interests like cooking, writing fanfic, etc, so I always had a bad case of feeling not "man enough" and like an impostor. And as I feared, I've been ghosted by a few people upon telling them I desisted even though I tried to do it in the most sensitive way possible, and it really fucking sucks to realize that some people *only* cared about me when I was living as a trans man and now see me as one of "the cishets" and not worth associating with.
However, my internal/spiritual self is still a gay guy. In a better timeline, I would be a gay bear leather daddy and have a quiet, normal-ass life someplace that wasn't completely backwards. Unfortunately, we do not live in that world. So I will continue to write stories where I live vicariously through my self-insert Sören living his best queer life, until I am no longer able to do so. I am, emphatically, still an ally and will never go on a crusade against trans rights. I pray that someday, nobody will ever again have to do what I have to do now; I would say "hope and pray" but I have no hope left for America's future. Watching things go backwards has been extremely demoralizing.
Online, as of November 2024 I am using they/them pronouns because I don't feel right asking to be called he/him when I've had to go back in the closet, but she/her is still uncomfortable [it's bad enough I have to tolerate it in meatspace].
That said, because most people really don't talk about me online unless they're talking shit:
And if you want to judge me and accuse me of being a "transtrender" or say I'm a coward and "giving in" for doing what I need to do to survive, I cannot say this hard enough:
This goes double if you're having this reaction and you're under 30 and you literally have no idea what life was like for LGBT people back in the 80s-00s or worse, you romanticize that period of time. I don't owe you fucking anything.
Why am I talking about all of this, when I said on my About Me page that I dislike saying much about myself in public anymore? Since I got involved with fandom [in 2016] I've been known as he/him and transmasc that whole time, and suddenly after eight years in late 2024 I updated my pronouns to they/them, so there was an obligation to explain why that changed, especially so people don't get the wrong idea, like if they heard through the rumor mill I've detransitioned I don't want people to mistakenly assume I've gone TERF, or if they're new to reading my fic about trans guys and think as a non-man I'm fetishizing [rather than having had lived experience for eleven years and this being my only outlet to express myself with the way things are now]. And I have a tendency to overexplain things because of communication difficulties + not being believed about stuff growing up [and as an adult]. I could have just not said anything, of course, since this is online, but it didn't sit well with my conscience, especially when I have some friends who follow what is left of my online presence.
I honestly fucking resent that I HAVE to say anything about it, I kind of miss the days when we could separate the art from the artist, but it is what it is.