While out on a walk, Father Dougal decided he would stop at the Holy Stone of Clonrichert, to see if his magical cat friend Noodles would somehow be alerted to his presence and show up for a chat. After a few minutes Dougal decided Noodles wasn't coming - maybe Noodles had things to do - but then the air shimmered and the pleasantly plump orange-and-white cat materialized on the platform.
Dougal pulled out a pouch of hard food that he'd been saving for the occasion and gave Noodles some skritches and pettings. "You're a good lad," Dougal said, hearing the wistfulness in his voice - though it made him happy to give Noodles treats and affection, it also made him a bit sad as well.
Noodles gave Dougal a look of concern. "Hard food sad?"
Dougal nodded.
Noodles blinked slowly. "Hard food more wishes?"
"Oh really, I wasn't trying to bribe you or anything. You've already given me a lovely horse. It would be selfish to ask for more -"
"Hard food friend. Hard food sad. Hard food wishes hard food happy?"
Dougal took a deep breath. He thought of what he'd been seeing in the news lately that had been getting him down - he didn't like bullies making fun of people who were different, having been bullied himself. "There's this bloke Graham Linehan who's been picking on transmission people -"
"Hard food transgender."
"Right, that's the word for it. I don't understand what it's got to do with him and I don't like it, he's being mean to people who just want to live their lives."
"Hard food agree, hard food TERFs hard food bad."
"Can you make him stop?"
Noodles closed his eyes for a moment - it seemed to Dougal that Noodles was reaching out with his mind to see who this person was - and then Noodles frowned. "Hard food needs lobotomy, hard food frowned on nowadays. Hard food something else?"
Dougal gave Noodles some more pettings, and tried to think. Bullied people needed allies - friends. And Dougal needed a friend too. The horse was nice and all, but it would be nice to have a friend like Noodles. And he knew it wouldn't be fair to ask Noodles to come live with him. "Can I have a friend?"
"Hard food what kind of friend?"
Dougal thought Father Ted was his best friend, but Ted was often busy - taking care of Jack. Maybe if Jack stopped drinking... "Can you make Father Jack stop drinking? Can you make him healthy?" And he needed something to bond with Ted over. "And can I have a cat too?"
Noodles smiled and gave another slow blink. "Hard food."
When Dougal came home, Jack was not in his usual chair. But someone else was in it.
Someone with grey fur, whiskers, four legs and a tail.
"There's the cat I wished for!" Dougal said. He went right over to pet it. The cat initially flinched, then sniffed Dougal, decided it was OK, and climbed up onto Dougal's shoulders. The cat sat on Dougal's shoulders as Dougal walked over to the couch. Dougal reached up and over to give the cat some skritches. "Hello, fella. You probably don't want to sit in that chair, Father Jack might be cross with you." Dougal looked around. "I wonder where Father Jack is. I hope he didn't get lost again."
Ted and Mrs. Doyle came out of the kitchen. Ted stopped in his tracks with a confused look on his face while Mrs. Doyle smiled as big and bright as Dougal had ever seen.
"Oh, what a lovely cat!" Mrs. Doyle said. "Did you adopt him, Dougal?"
"Er, yes," Dougal said, not wanting to explain that the magical cat had given it to him and get another lecture from Ted.
"I hope the shelter sent you home with supplies, and some food," Mrs. Doyle said.
"Er... no." Dougal gave a nervous little laugh.
Mrs. Doyle rolled her eyes. "Right. I'll be off to the store, then. But before I go, maybe he should have something to eat - I think we have tuna in the pantry - and I'll put out a bowl of water." Mrs. Doyle gave the cat pettings. "Would you like that? Would you like a drink?"
The cat gave a meow that sounded eerily similar to the word "feck".
While Mrs. Doyle went off to the store, Ted and Dougal played checkers and fussed over the new cat. While Ted seemed a little leery at first, he quickly warmed up to the cat, and the cat allowed Ted some skritches before he returned to Dougal, clinging.
Once Mrs. Doyle returned, Ted and Dougal inspected the supplies - a catbox and litter, a scratching post, a bag of food and cans of wet food, and a pouch of treats. Dougal and Ted each gave the cat a treat, and then Dougal asked, "Do you know where Jack is? He should bond with the cat too."
"He's probably upstairs sleeping, I'll go get him," Mrs. Doyle said.
The cat paused in the middle of chewing his treat to give them a wary look. Then he began to paw the treat bag, again making a meow that sounded like "feck".
Mrs. Doyle came back in the sitting room, brow furrowed. "Father Jack isn't upstairs."
"Oh, shit. Well, let's go look for him," Ted said, pulling Dougal by the arm to come along. While Dougal worried the cat would be upset if they left, he was sure Mrs. Doyle would spoil him while they looked for Jack.
In the car, Dougal had a realization. "I asked the magical talking cat to help Jack stop drinking. Maybe he went to rehab -" Then Dougal clapped his hand over his mouth. He'd done it now. He was in for another lecture.
"Dougal, what did I tell you? Besides, I don't even think God Himself could get Jack clean and sober."
After hours of driving around and around Craggy Island, getting out and walking and calling to him, Jack was nowhere to be found. They returned to the house after dark, where Mrs. Doyle had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for them and the cat was curled up on her. To Dougal's relief, the cat wasn't entirely angry with their absence, but came over to them for pettings. Mrs. Doyle woke up. "Oh dear, supper will be cold by now," she said, quickly getting up and heading to the kitchen.
Dougal took her place on the couch and stretched out while Ted sat in Jack's chair with a heavy sigh. The cat climbed onto Dougal, turned around and stuck his butthole right in Dougal's face, backed it up onto Dougal's nose - insisting that Dougal scent him. Dougal groaned and sat up, and the cat clung to his torso for a moment in a hug, purring away, before settling onto his shoulders. Suddenly, there was a foul stench, and the cat began kneading and purring harder.
Dougal made a face. "Uh oh. I think he might have had too many treats."
Ted raised an eyebrow. "He only had two, unless Mrs. Doyle gave him -"
"OH SWEET CHRIST." There was another blast of funk; Dougal winced. "He's making dirty little farties."
"Feck!" the cat said, climbed down from Dougal's shoulders, then clung again, front paws on a shoulder, draped over Dougal's torso, cheek to cheek.
"You're a stinky guy," Dougal told him, but still pet him fondly.
Mrs. Doyle wheeled in a cart of food. "Now now, he's just a cat. He can't help it, don't hurt his feelings."
"You act like he can understand you," Ted said. "You lot are going mad. First Dougal saying cats can talk. Now -"
Mrs. Doyle cringed in horror as she came closer and the cat farted again, then she fainted.
"FECK!" the cat yelled.
"Oh no, it's all right," Dougal said, not wanting his new friend to be offended. He skritched the cat some more. "It's OK if you make dirty little farties." He tried to be supportive. "I love your dirty little farties."
Not getting up from Jack's chair, Ted asked, "Are you all right, Mrs Doyle?"
"I'm fine," Mrs. Doyle said weakly. She sat up, brushed herself off, then got up and started with two bowls on the left-hand side of the cart, one was full of mushy-looking food and the other had water. "Drink?" she asked the cat, as if the cat could understand her.
"FECK!"
There was something unusual about this cat. Something... familiar. Dougal couldn't quite place it, but he was sure it would come to him soon.
The cat lapped up the water, then climbed onto Dougal's lap and once again stuck his arse in Dougal's face.