"Thanketh thee, Fatherest!"
Mairon rolled his eyes as his nostrils flared. "Groveling does not become you."
Larry bowed his head reverently, while inwardly he seethed, and resisted the urge to clench his fists. "Yea, Fathereth."
But even the sting of his father's constant disapproval was not enough to sour his excitement - he had received the gift he'd requested for Christmas. A time machine.
Some who thirsted for power might consider using such a device to go back and change history and set themselves up as another Genghis Khan or Charlemagne. Not Larry Hortler. He was going to visit different points in history and acquire priceless artifacts to take back to the present day and be rewarded handsomely. Visions of gold coins and diamonds flashed in his mind's eye, swimming in an entire vault of them. He would be the richest man in the world, and it was much better to rule an empire in today's world with electricity, running water, champagne and caviar. No more working at Uncle Vanya's for him, no.
He smiled to himself, thumb lovingly stroking the enchanted hourglass in his hand. Soon Mairon would be the one groveling to him.
His smile faded as Mairon scowled and took a step forward. "There is one more thing, Yúccalorë."
Larry's eyebrows shot up. "Oheth?" When his father called him by his ancient name, his true name, it meant business.
Suddenly Larry felt something wet and slimy in his ear, and something slither into his brain. Then there was the cacophony of what sounded like a thousand voices calling out in different languages.
"A Babel fish," Mairon explained. "Douglas Adams knew too much, so he had to die." Larry, of course, had long ago figured out Bev was a Vogon in disguise as a human, but he wasn't about to tell his father he was in on it too, it was better for Mairon to underestimate him. "Wherever you're going, I guarantee you they will not be speaking modern English... or whatever the Hells it is you think is English. This will help you understand what's being said."
As much as Larry was repulsed by the feeling of something slimy twitching in his skull, he was nonetheless grateful - it was an oversight on his part to think to go to other points in time when he didn't speak dead languages, or even many modern ones that weren't Russian. This would definitely help in his quest to bring back valuable ancient items in pristine condition. It wouldn't even take much - a few coins here, a piece of pottery or jewelry there...
Larry didn't wait, ready to burst in the giddy rush of the task before him. He took the time machine outside. Tightening his grip around it - but careful not to break the glass - he visualized Roman ruins, and what it would be like to see them when they weren't ruins. "Ancient Rome," Larry commanded.
With a clap of defiantly violet thunder, Larry was hurled through time and space, and landed in a market square in his street clothes. Dozens of shoppers and sellers stopped what they were doing to stare at the person just materializing in the square in such a strange outfit, and suddenly a man wearing a red cloak and wielding a large spear came marching towards him.
Oh shitteth, Larry thought to himself, swallowing hard. Maybe this wasn't the best idea in the world. He tried to run and found his path blocked by three burly men in rough fishermen's clothes who stank to high heaven.
"Seize him," the Roman soldier called out. "Seize him and there will be a reward for you."
And then the fishermen cast a net over him, and carried him over to the soldier, who chuckled as he pulled a coin purse from his belt. "Well done," the soldier said, patting each of them on the back, then giving each a handful of coins. The soldier leered as he grabbed the net with Larry trapped in it. "You will make a fine addition to my household."
"Why did you give him what he wanted?" Morgoth asked, laying naked with Mairon in the afterglow of their celebratory "Larry's gone" romp.
"I want to see what kind of fool he can make of himself this time," Mairon said with a smug smile. "I know my worthless son well. He thinks if he goes back in time, he can do something to give himself power and authority - and not merely free himself from me, but control me as well. He can't find his way out of a wet paper bag, and I look forward to his further humiliation, his will broken."
"That won't stop him from trying again with other methods. He may be worthless, and he is still your son."
Mairon bristled at that, knowing Morgoth was implying he was worthless as well, but he didn't allow himself to react, not wanting Morgoth to know his pride had been wounded. "Of course this will not deter him from future attempts, and we will have a mess to clean up when he is through with this one. But it will still be most amusing, and we deserve to have a bit of holiday entertainment, do we not?"
Morgoth gave Mairon a kiss. "As these humans celebrate the Christ child born with the return of the light, we will celebrate your son falling into shadow."