"I WANT TO BE THE PRINCESS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The scream of protest in the Halloween aisle of the dollar store wasn't from a small child, but a grown woman. Juniper Roberts screeched and the mother of the little girl who was buying a princess costume for Halloween gave Juniper a wary look over her shoulder before she put an arm around her daughter and hurried her along. Juniper snarled and her dyed-black hair began to billow around her as if she'd just put her finger on a Van de Graaff generator of purple lightning, but it was pure infernal rage from the boiling depths of Sauron's blood. She reached out a hand and took a few steps after them, then her boyfriend Larry got in the way, seizing her by the wrist.
"Nayeth," Larry said. He lowered his voice and looked around to make sure there weren't witnesses. "Thou can't usest thine powers here at the dollarest storeth. Fathereth toldest us not to makest an scene."
Juniper pouted, snatched her hand away, and turned back to the available remaining costumes with an exaggerated sigh of resignation.
Larry tried not to sigh himself, but allowed an eyeroll while Juniper wasn't looking. Juniper's tantrum would be annoying from a child, but it was execrable from an adult. Especially when she didn't even fit in the last princess costume - it would have been too small on her, and... well, perhaps that was the point, considering the attendees at the Halloween party Sauron had asked them to attend in his absence. Rich, powerful donors to the Republican Party. No doubt Juniper wanted to sink her hooks into one of them, and as much as Larry didn't mind the extra cash - and minded even less having some time off from being subjected to Juniper's fetishes - it still bothered him that she often seemed more interested in other men than in him.
It bothered him even more that she got away with making a spectacle of herself tarted-up but he was expected to dress like an elegant gentleman on the meager pittance he received from Sauron. In their shopping basket Larry had a box of knockoff Calvni Kelin cologne spray, and a few Cuggi ties.
Larry was allowed and expected to wear a costume to the Halloween party, however, and after some browsing he found the perfect themed pair of costumes for himself and Juniper. "Looketh! Think'st theest that we couldst beeth from the 1950sest?"
"The Republicans would love that," Juniper said. "They're trying to send the country back to the 1950s."
There was a packaged bobbysoxer costume with a pink poodle skirt, and a greaser costume with a pleather jacket and a tin of dubious-looking hair gel. Larry pulled the packages from the shelf and added them to the cart.
That still didn't stop Juniper from glaring daggers at the princess and her mother in the checkout aisle, and from aiming her index and middle finger at them once she saw what car they were going to in the parking lot - once again Larry had to grab her hand and move it away. "Noest," he admonished. "I don't carest about them, but Fatherest will giveth us no endest of griefeth if we art caughtest."
Juniper's nostrils flared, and this time when she wrenched her hand from his grasp, it slapped him before she pulled him along by the ear to the Buick.
"Larry, you look absolutely ridiculous."
Larry quietly fumed - he hated this getup probably even worse than she did, and Juniper didn't look all that great herself in her garishly striped top, poodle skirt and cheap saddle shoes, but they had a job to do. "But I arteth the Fonzest!" Larry held up both his thumbs. "Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeth."
Juniper facepalmed. "OK, Larry, let's go."
Larry usually sported an ebon-black, luscious mane of hair that cascaded down in luxurious waves exuding a sense of richness and depth. Tonight, to make a convincing Fonz, he'd glamoured it to a shorter length so he could gel it into a pompadour. Indeed, that was a greater indignity than the plastic-looking black pleather jacket and the tacky sunglasses which hid his grey-violet eyes shimmering like crystal pools in a hidden garden beneath the starlit sky, and his magnificent velvety obsidian eyebrows that gently arched like the graceful curve of a crescent moon, adding an air of mystery and allure to his chiseled face.
Now the slightly-acrid smell of the hair gel that came with the costume became a putrid stench in the night air. His scalp also burned a little, an unpleasant reminder of the time he'd set himself on fire by accident when using Madame Gunnhild's spell kit to attempt to rid himself of the terrible shitting and farting curse.
The curse that still hadn't gone away, years later. As they drove to the donor Halloween party, Larry desperately hoped he wouldn't have an accident.
When they arrived, Larry found himself even more exasperated. He had not been informed ahead of time that the Halloween party was themed, and they stuck out like a sore thumb - the party had an aquatic theme, with most of the guests dressed up as some sort of sea life, and the giant sheet cake was in the design of a shark.
Larry hated mingling with humans, though he tried to use his time wisely and siphon off a little energy from each guest he interacted with. Juniper, of course, was too comfortable for his liking, and within an hour she was sitting in the lap of a tall, stocky, bald middle-aged white man dressed as Patrick Star from Spongebob Squarepants.
Larry knew Juniper had a job to do - as did he - but he still felt slighted. And yet, he still needed her for reasons. So he needed to compete for her affections, while not making it obvious that was what he was doing. The question was: How?
Larry thought about the reruns of Happy Days he'd seen and everything he knew about the character of the Fonz. After a few moments the flash of insight hit him. He would impress Juniper and once again prove himself the alpha male of the gathering by jumping over the shark sheet cake just as the Fonz had jumped over a shark.
"Juniper! Witnessest me!"
With that, Larry used his powers to take a superhuman flying leap across the long shark cake on the refreshment table. Unfortunately, using his powers in such a manner also activated the curse and he let out a mighty fart.
A fart that was not merely loud, but wet.
Stunned, Larry landed in the cake, and gave another wet fart. Juniper gave him a filthy look, then a loud groan of disgust as she turned her head and buried her face in her hands.
A few moments later, Larry managed to pull himself out of the ruined cake, but everyone had seen him make a fool of himself.
A messy fool. The once-blue icing of the shark cake was now marred by suspicious-looking wet brown stains.
"Wow, that's not a shark anymore," the bald man dressed as Patrick Star said. "That's a shart."
"That's an entire shart forest," quipped Spongebob.
"I'm gonna start calling you Shartnado," Juniper told Larry.
"Pleaseth do not callest me Shartnadoeth," Larry wailed, mortified. "I havest enduredeth enough without thine horrificest bullyingeth."
"How do you think I feel, being seen with a loser like you?" Juniper rolled her eyes. "But don't worry, Shartnado. I won't tell our father... if you make it up to me."
Larry swallowed hard. That was the very last sentence he wanted to hear. Whatever she had planned would be far worse than this.