Larry, the enigmatic traveler of realms, stepped onto the opulent balcony of his lavish palace suite, clutching the mystical amethyst pendant that shimmered with the promise of otherworldly adventures. As the sun dipped below the horizon, painting the sky with hues of orange, pink, and violet, he thought about what his mother Jane had told him about summoning a small Orc army to conquer Liechtenstein. As much as he loathed to admit it, she was right that he didn't have much experience commanding Orcs, and while it seemed like one to two dozen Orcs would be all it took to subdue such a small country and seat him as the permanent Emperor - and dictator - he also knew that they could potentially kill him and Jane if he wasn't careful, and while Sauron could resurrect them both, he knew from painful past experience that if Sauron resurrected him, he would make sure to do it in the most disgusting and humiliating way possible, then punish him on top of that.
So Larry needed a plan before the plan. At last a spark of inspiration ignited within the labyrinth of his twisted mind. He envisioned the beginning of his grand plan: summoning a single Orc, but not just any ordinary Orc. This would be a particularly imposing, fearsome, and foul-smelling Orc, towering over others with a brutish strength and a menacing glare that could freeze blood. Over the next few days, he would embark upon a daring endeavor to use sorcery to transform the unruly, snarling Orc he had conjured into a disciplined warrior under his command. With each sunrise, he would face the creature’s fiery eyes and hone its raw strength into a formidable skillset. Once the Orc had perfected his skills through rigorous training, mastering the art of battle and the intricacies of leadership, he stood ready to command his own fierce pack of Orcs. "Indeedest, that art an ingeniouseth plan, a masterstroketh of cunningest and deceiteth," Larry mused with a mischievous chortle, his thoughts twisted with ambition. "The dark lord himself, that bastardeth Sauron, wilt beeth pleasedeth with me."
Larry decided to get started right away. As he gently coiled the delicate silver chain of his mother's cherished necklace around his index finger, the amethyst pendant began to dance like a tiny pendulum caught in a timeless trance. With each deliberate movement in a counterclockwise circle, the pendant seemed to awaken, exuding a mysterious aura of purple energy. As the amethyst pendant swayed hypnotically, its crystalline facets catching the light, an ethereal transformation began to unfold. Each swing seemed to release a pulse of purple energy, and soon, the air around it shimmered with an otherworldly glow. A mesmerizing vortex of swirling violet energy gathered with a mystical force, transforming into a miniature tornado that danced with vibrant intensity, its spiraling tendrils shimmering like a celestial ballet in the twilight.
Amidst the deafening roar of the tempestuous, swirling violet tornado, Larry stood defiantly on the precipice of chaos. His voice boomed with an echo that seemed to shake the very foundations of the world itself, as he shouted out: "I, LAURENTINIUS, ALSO KNOWNETH AS YUQUALÖRÉ, MASTEREST OF ARCANETH WHISPERSEST AND WEAVERETH OF SHADOWEDETH SPELLSEST, DO HEREBYETH CALLEST FORTHETH THE MOST VILEST AND DREADFULETH ENTITYEST TO EVER STALKETH THE SHADOWY CORRIDORSETH OF... SHADOWS. FROM THE DEPTHSETH OF THE SHADOWED ABYSSETH, I CALLEST FORTHETH THE MOST MALEVOLENTETH AND LOATHSOMEST ENTITYETH THAT HATH EVER SLINKEDETH THROUGH THE TWISTEDETH CORRIDORSEST OF THE NETHERWORLDEST. I SUMMONETH THE MOST MONSTROUSEST, UNCLEANETH, HIDEOUSETH, NASTYETH, FILTH-ENCRUSTEDEST, VILETH CREATUREST OF ALL REALMSEST - ARISETH FROM THE SHADOWY DEPTHSETH AT ONCE! NOWETH!"
An extraordinary spectacle unfolded as the glowing purple tornado spiraled skyward and expanded. Its ethereal luminescence painted the horizon with hues of amethyst and lavender. Then it exploded in an ultraviolet flash, raining sparks like fireworks, and a cloud of thick violet fog rolled in. As the dense, swirling cloud of mysterious purple fog slowly dissipated, revealing the unexpected scene beneath its vibrant shroud, there stood Bev, entirely unclothed. Her skin glistened as if she'd just stepped out from the shower, with droplets sparkling like tiny jewels upon her body. Her vibrant teal-to-fuchsia ombre hair clung to her skin, the damp strands cascading down like a mesmerizing waterfall of color. The moisture accentuated the unusual landscape of her chest, where prominent, glistening hairy titty moles stood out like small, mysterious islands amidst a luminous sea.
In a moment fraught with disbelief and revulsion, Larry's world seemed to lurch sideways. The bile of disgust rose in his throat, threatening to spill over as his stomach twisted into knots. As if in a trance, he stumbled backward, his footfall echoing like thunder in the silence. In a moment of sheer astonishment, his fingers slipped, releasing the mystical pendant from his grip. The enchanted necklace, shimmering with an otherworldly light, tumbled through the ornate balcony railing. It spiraled downward, its descent seemingly endless, as if time itself held its breath. When the magical amethyst necklace portal finally hit the ground, there was a small earthquake.
Bev put her hands on her hips. "You know, Larry, if you wanted to make love, you could have just texted me."
Larry could only make a strangled sound in response.
Bev surveyed the expansive balcony adorned with lush potted plants and delicate fairy lights, her eyes tracing the intricate ironwork railing that overlooked a breathtaking vista of the city below. Her gaze then drifted through the sliding crystal-glass doors, their pristine surfaces glimmering like gems, that led into the splendiferous grandeur of Larry's lavish palace suite, a realm where luxury and elegance intertwined seamlessly. "Swanky digs you've got here."
"Yeseth, comest in. I... I didst not knoweth thou wert in the showereth." Larry gestured - Bev led the way and Larry followed. Her ample figure seemed to sway like melted cheese, and her sagging rear end looked like cottage cheese, which was still less appalling to look at than her freakishly huge, pendulous breasts covered in hairy moles. Larry pinched the bridge of his nose, cursing under his breath, realizing that he had not specified "Orc" in his summoning, so it had produced Bev, who he found the most repugnant non-Orc creature in existence.
Bev, still naked, sat on the couch - the same couch where Jane had seduced Larry under the influence last night - and saw spent champagne bottles, one bottle was half-full, and the flute glasses were still on the table. "My, someone's been living it up."
"I tookest mine mothereth on vacationest," Larry said. "Welcometh to Liechtenstein." Thou art most certainly nottest welcometh, Larry thought to himself bitterly, but didn't say it aloud.
"What a nice, generous boy you are!" Then Bev leered, and reclined in what was meant to be an inviting pose, propped up on one elbow, one knee bent, thighs spread so Larry caught a glimpse of her flappy vagina. Larry fought the urge to run to the bathroom and retch. "And what, did she say she missed me and wanted me to come along? It was very thoughtful of you to portal me, in that case, but next time you really could give me some advance warning -"
Suddenly the door crashed open and Jane's voice barked, "LAURENTINIUS JAMES YUQUALÖRÉ HORTLER!"
Larry gulped - of course Jane had felt the blast from the portal shattering in the fall. "Motherest?"
Jane marched into the room, then froze, her mouth open at the sight of Bev naked on the couch.
Bev gave a demure little wave. "Helloooooooo, darling. Am I in time for luncheon?"
"It art aftereth sunsettest," Larry corrected, then Jane smacked him upside the head.
"WHAT. HAPPENED." Jane's eyes were purple-tinged thunderclouds.
Larry knew that if he told his mother the truth - he had tried to summon a single Orc, and instead had ended up with Bev, his mother's "friend" was going to be deeply offended, and as much as Larry didn't care one whit about hurting Bev's feelings, Bev was possibly a more powerful sorceress than Jane herself... or at least she acted like it, one of the most self-important, vainglorious, narcissistic people Larry had ever encountered next to his own father Sauron, which was no small feat. Regardless of whether Bev was actually more magically advanced than Jane or just all blustering bravado, Larry knew he didn't need to piss off a witch. Yes, Bev was strongly attracted to him - indeed, he'd been coerced to have sex with her more than once - but that wouldn't keep her from making his life miserable if her enormous ego was wounded.
Unfortunately, fabricating a convincing lie was not something Larry had inherited from Jane, and words eluded him. Before he could attempt to bungle his way through a half-truth explanation, Bev rose from the couch - still naked - and walked over to them, her nostrils twitching and a look of concern on her face as if she smelled something rotten. "Janie," she said, "you... you're different. Your aura has changed."
Jane put a hand on her heart and batted her eyes in response.
Bev came even closer, still sniffing, and then her mouth opened and she clapped her hand over her mouth and took a step b back. She looked at Larry, then looked at Jane again, her hand still over her mouth, her other hand pointing at them, finger shaking. At last she gave a small shriek. "You. Had. Sex. With each other."
Jane looked down at the floor and Larry looked up at the ceiling. It was bad enough that it had happened, it was worse that Bev knew.
"We were drunk," Jane said.
"YOU DIDN'T INVITE ME." Bev folded her arms just below her mole-covered tits, which flopped obscenely over them, and pouted. "YOU CHEATED."
"It was a mist -"
"That wert whyeth I summonedeth thee," Larry lied, hoping it would save them both from Bev's wrath as well as distract his mother from her rage over the destroyed portal... and any thoughts of running to Sauron to confess their shame before their little secret spread any further.
"Oh." Bev's face lit up, and she began to shimmy. She turned around, wiggled her ass, and just before Larry could retch from the sight of her jiggling cellulite, Bev faced them again and the sight of her hairy titty moles jumping like dancing furry polka dots was more hideous than the worst Orc Larry could have summoned from that portal. "Well, let's get to it!"
Jane turned to Larry, and narrowed her eyes. This had better never get back to Juniper or any of your other dalliances, do you hear? she spoke into his mind.
I wilt never telleth an soulest. Larry didn't add that he wouldn't be able to even think about it without vomiting. It was bad enough that he and Jane had fucked last night - and he'd had to be very, very, very drunk to do it - and it was bad enough that he and Bev had sex a few times. Having to perform sex on and with both of them, together, was even worse than any punishment Sauron could dream up.
When Jane was out of his head, Larry mused internally: I art no longereth in Liechtenstein. I art in the Hells.
Bev threw her arms around Larry and gave him a deep, passionate kiss. Then she did the same to Jane; Larry's stomach roiled as he watched them rubbing their tongues together, reminiscent of what their tongues could do much lower. Bev pushed Larry and Jane towards each other then and said, "Now kiss!"
Jane pulled Larry into a wet, sloppy kiss, and Larry whimpered as his cock betrayed him, springing to life. Nayeth, he told himself. But it was too late. Bev took their hands and led them towards the bed.
- Crickets, the moon. The next day... -
In the opulent embrace of a gold-rimmed porcelain bathtub, Larry luxuriated amidst a frothy sea of rose-and-lavender scented bubbles, savoring the rich, velvety notes of a fine Italian wine as it danced across his palate. But he still felt unclean, tainted beyond measure, and no alcohol could numb the memories of the filthy, debauched threesome he'd had with his own mother and her lesbian lover last night.
Once more, there stood Jane, draped in a flowing burgundy satin robe that shimmered like liquid rubies under the soft glow of candlelight. Around her neck hung a garnet pendant, its deep red hues reminiscent of the mystical amethyst necklace portal he'd inadvertently shattered, a relic forged by Sauron eons ago. Jane was the very last person Larry wanted to see - next to Bev herself. Indeed, seeing an angry Sauron show up to chastise and discipline him would be a more welcome sight.
"Whateth," Larry said flatly.
"I owe you for... last night. Bev would have eventually found out, one way or another, and at least this way she's not angry. It is most unpleasant when we are quarreling. So... I have a spare portal if you want to try again," Jane said, taking off the garnet necklace. "This time, be more careful - I don't want to have to ask your father to craft another for me, and come up with an explanation of why."
Larry shook his head. "Nayeth, thou may keepest it for now. I wilt asketh for it when I thinketh of another plan."
"But Larry. Soon we'll have to leave Liechtenstein and go back to America..." Jane made a face as she said the word "America". "So if you intend on conquering the country with a pack of Orcs, it's now or never."
After his ordeal the last few days, Larry was more than ready to leave. "Fucketh Liechtenstein," he said, gripping the champagne glass so tightly it shattered in his hand. "There wilt beeth... otherest ways, I art sureth."
He wasn't so sure of those other ways, but he was sure he was done with this nonsense. He never wanted to see or even hear the word Liechtenstein again, the memories of this place needed to fade into the shadows like a bad dream.
But his nightmare had just begun. Behind Jane appeared Bev, who was not wearing a robe, or anything at all, except those damned hairy titty moles. "Hellooooo, lover boy," she cooed.
Endeth me, Larry mourned silently.