November 2021
Wniosek: nie ma słoni w mojej kuchni.
Anthony snickered as he typed the English translation: The conclusion is: no elephants in my kitchen.
When the pandemic started and lockdowns pushed classes to online-only, Anthony found himself with more free time on his hands, and so the archaeology professor had decided to revisit an old love of languages and learn some languages he didn't speak yet. He was now taking a few courses on Duolingo, one of which was Polish.
Sören's thirty-seventh birthday was coming up in a few days, but his birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year so they were having to do some workarounds. Today Yeyette was taking Sören out to lunch, now that they were vaccinated and restrictions were easing up.
Sören and Yeyette walked in just as Duolingo asked another question in Polish. "Oh good," Sören said, "I came back just in time."
Anthony raised an eyebrow, curious.
Sören had a Wal-Mart shopping bag, and strode over. "I got you something," Sören said - he customarily gave a few gifts to other people for his birthday.
"And you said 'just in time'. Is it Polish?" Anthony then facepalmed and snickered, knowing his partner's dirty mind. "Is it Polish sausage?"
Sören waggled his eyebrows but then he shook his head and reached in the bag. "It's Polish in a sense."
Sören pulled out a ridiculous-looking googly-eyed plush cactus sitting in a fake pot.
"Cacti aren't native to Poland, Sören."
"As you know..." Sören waved his hand and Anthony heard a kitchen drawer open. A moment later a screwdriver came floating into Sören's hand. Anthony watched as Sören unscrewed the battery compartment, then took out a package of batteries and loaded them in. He hit a button and the cactus began to dance, swiveling around. A few button hits later, the cactus was dancing to an explicit DMX song.
"They market this as child-friendly," Yeyette said, folding her arms, trying to look exasperated, but her eyes were smiling.
"Wait, it gets worse."
Sören hit the button again and there was another rap song... this one not in English. Anthony had been practicing enough Polish that he was able to recognize the language as Polish, but he wasn't familiar enough with street Polish to recognize everything being said.
Tylko jedno w głowie mam
Koksu pięć gram odlecieć sam
W krainę za zapomnienia
W głowie myśli mam
Kiedy skończy się ten stan
Gdy już nie będę sam
Bo wjedzie biały węgorz
"It's a Polish-language song about being depressed and doing cocaine," Sören explained.
For some reason, a googly-eyed cactus bouncing merrily to a song about depression and drug use, being marketed to children, hit Anthony's funny bone and he doubled over, sides heaving until they cramped. "Goddammit Sören."
Nicholas walked out of the kitchen, stared at the bobbing, swaying cactus, then gave Sören a disapproving look. Sören bat his eyelashes, giving Nicholas an innocent look that wasn't.
Nicholas shook his head and tutted. "Shan't," was all he said, before he headed back to the kitchen.
"I LOVE YOU TOO," Sören yelled after him.
Anthony picked up the cactus and hugged it, then he hugged Sören, still laughing, as he used the Force to float the cactus back to the coffee table. "You're ridiculous, you know."
"I know." Sören grinned. "I had to once I saw this trending online."
"That sums you two up in a nutshell," Yeyette said. "You have the kind of relationship where one of you can buy the other a cactus that dances to a Polish rap song about doing drugs and that's considered a romantic gesture."
"It totally is," Anthony said, and kissed the tip of Sören's nose.
Noodles came out from the kitchen, walked over to the coffee table, sniffed the cactus toy, then gave Sören and Anthony an expectant look. "Hard food?"
"No, it's not time for hard food," Anthony told the cat gently.
"It's time for hard drugs," Sören joked.
"Sören, you are not teaching the cat about drugs," Yeyette said, using the Force to hit him with a couch pillow.
"Hard food is his drug," Sören said.
"Hard food," Noodles replied.
"Twarde jedzenie," Anthony added.
_
The dancing cactus is real, and my friend Nantokanare got me one as a belated birthday gift in 2021 😂🤣
song translation:
I only have one thing on my mind
Five grams of coke, fly away alone
Into the land of oblivion
I have thoughts in my head
When this condition ends
When I am no longer alone
Because a white eel will come