Though Sören was not a morning person and preferred to sleep in - made easier by working from home - he'd fallen asleep early last night after the long drive and his body woke him up just before six AM.
It was still dark outside, though the fire was going in the fireplace, casting a faint golden glow over the bed. Just enough to notice that he and Anthony were face-to-face - Sören remembered spooning last night, and how nice it felt, and apparently in the night they'd rolled and were now holding each other, legs tangled together.
It felt so natural. It felt so right.
Sören breathed a soft sigh, studying Anthony in the firelight, the way his hair was just starting to turn grey and was tousled from sleep, his lashes fanned against his cheeks, the little freckles on his nose that he usually hid with concealer for his suit-and-tie lawyer job. Sören fought the urge to kiss the tip of his nose...
...or just wake him up with a kiss, like something out of a fairy tale.
Sören felt that lump in his throat, the tight ache in his chest. Longing. He'd been in love with Anthony for the better part of six years, and Anthony was never more beautiful to him than he was right now, snuggled up with him under the covers. Sören wished every morning could be like this, the two of them waking up in each other's arms.
The only thing he'd change about it was them both being naked. Sören's cheeks burned, trying not to think about those times he'd seen Anthony in nothing but a towel coming out of the shower, the luscious pelt on his chest and arms and legs, the treasure trail down his navel. He tried desperately not to think of the sexual fantasies he'd entertained over the last six years, what it would be like to run his fingers through that body hair, lick that fur all over... lick lower, eat him out, grind together...
Fuck. Sören gingerly sat up, not wanting to disturb Anthony's sleep, and he made himself get out of the nice warm bed before the urge got too powerful to wake Anthony up and ask Anthony if his willingness to date trans guys included him.
He'd noticed Anthony got very quiet after Sören had asked if theoretically Anthony was open to dating a fellow trans guy, and Anthony had answered affirmatively, the long, awkward silence that followed as if Anthony could tell why he was asking. It hadn't gotten completely weird - Anthony had been willing to spoon him, which Sören hadn't just offered unselfishly because Anthony was cold, but because he really wanted to snuggle with Anthony without potentially blowing up the powder keg of pining for him for six years. Even so, Sören felt like he was playing with fire and he needed to not ruin his birthday weekend - or their friendship - by pressing it further.
Snúður woke up and began chirping and meowing, following Sören to the kitchenette. Sören opened a can of food for the cat and made himself coffee, every now and again glancing over at Anthony to make sure he hadn't accidentally woken Anthony up. Once Snúður had eaten and Sören had some caffeine in his system, he took his duffel bag to the bathroom and took a shower. He changed in the bathroom, since there wasn't much privacy in the cabin.
Despite his best efforts to keep the noise down, Anthony was up when Sören left the bathroom - Anthony was sitting in bed, drinking a cup of coffee from the pot Sören had made, and was scowling at his laptop. Sören knew Anthony had a routine of checking his e-mail first thing when he got up.
"Sorry to wake you," Sören said.
Anthony shook his head. "Don't worry about it."
Sören gave him a mock stern look and wagged his finger. "You know, unless it's an emergency, business can wait."
"Yeah, I know, but... force of habit. They don't just call me the Shark because I eviscerate my opponents in the courtroom, but I'm always on, always moving." Anthony took a sip of his coffee, put his cup down on the nightstand, and rubbed his face. Then he closed up his laptop. "But you're right. It's not life or death, it could wait till we get back to Boston tomorrow." Anthony made a face. "Ugh. Tomorrow. This weekend is already too short."
"Tell me about it. On the other hand, I feel like I get to have my birthday two days in a row since we spent almost all of yesterday on the highway and today's the real celebration."
"Mhm." Anthony looked Sören up and down. "You look nice, birthday boy."
That giddy fluttery, sparkly feeling came over Sören even though he knew Anthony was probably just being polite to try to make him feel better on his birthday after the rejection. Sören was wearing a blue lopapeysa with a snowflake pattern, and dark blue jeans. "Takk."
Anthony put his laptop off to the side, yawned, stretched, and climbed out of bed. "I should probably take a shower, since we're both up we might as well get as much as we can out of this day."
"OK."
Sören tried not to think about Anthony naked in the shower, but he got hornier and hornier, and it was getting harder to resist the urge to rub himself on the arm of the couch to quickly get himself off. Harder still as he thought of how he'd rather rub against Anthony.
Anthony came out in black jeans and a grey cashmere sweater, casual but elegant. He was dressed just in time for the dawn to break through the twilight; Sören and Anthony went out onto the deck to drink coffee together and watch the sky light up brilliant gold with streaks of hot pink and neon orange, then mellow into warm pastel clouds in a soft blue. It was one of the most beautiful sunrises Sören had ever seen, more beautiful still for Anthony's company, quietly enjoying it with him, no need for words, just witnessing the wonder of the world together.
Sören wanted to kiss him. He wanted that so much it hurt. But he refrained, not wanting to risk everything.
After the sunrise they went back into the cabin. Anthony made a special breakfast for Sören's birthday - blueberry pancakes, topped with fresh blueberries and whipped cream. Sören's eyes lit up when he noticed the strawberries in the fridge as he came over to tell Anthony how much topping he wanted on his pancakes - fresh strawberries were his favorite dessert. "Those strawberries are for later," Anthony said, tweaking Sören's nose and gently pushing him away from the fridge.
Sören blew a raspberry at him as he took his plate of pancakes and sat down.
The moment the snowmobile rental opened, Anthony got a two-person sled and a pair of helmets. Sören had never been on a snowmobile before, despite growing up in a country with long winters. He felt like a kid again as he put on his helmet and climbed into the passenger seat.
The resort had a lengthy track of trails for snowmobiling, and Anthony and Sören spent much of the day riding. The spruce and fir trees were dusted with snow, and icicles glittered on the birch, alder and ash trees. Sören had never seen so many trees in his life, not even when he visited Norway, and it delighted him, feeling like he'd entered some sort of liminal, enchanted realm. A few times they spotted a snowshoe hare scampering off, and along the banks of a river they encountered a moose in the distance - Sören clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle his squeak and not scare off the moose. He'd never seen one before; Anthony pulled the snowmobile over and they sat for a few moments to admire the moose, drinking.
A little while later they saw a group of six moose together, crossing the trail; Anthony slowed down the snowmobile to let them pass. Sören felt like happy dancing as he watched the herd of enormous moose walk into the woods.
"That's so fucking cool," he said after the moose passed.
"Nature is awesome." Anthony's face was radiant.
Sören impulsively threw his arms around Anthony and gave him a fierce, tight hug, all choked up. "This is the best birthday present ever."
"Oh, shit, really?" Anthony hugged him back. "I'm glad. You deserve to be happy, kiddo."
"Yeah." Sören sighed. Usually he enjoyed it when Anthony called him kiddo - indeed, Sören found Anthony more attractive now than six years ago, giving off those dad vibes; in Sören's hottest masturbation fantasies, he called Anthony "Daddy" and Anthony called him "baby boy". But now it stung a little. Even though Anthony had confirmed yesterday he was open to dating trans men - which was vanishingly rare for queer men whether they were cis or trans - they had known each other for six years and that entire time Anthony had not made a single move, which meant there was probably something else in the way. Sören was guessing now that Anthony saw him as a dumb zoomer - good enough to be friends with but not necessarily dating material.
Of course, Sören didn't know that for a fact. They had spooned last night, and it had been wonderful, one of the happiest moments of Sören's life next to the wonder of seeing moose in the winter forest. Sören knew it was possible to cuddle platonically, but the way they'd fit together so naturally - and tangled up together in their sleep - wasn't typically something "just friends" did. And yet if he asked about it and he was wrong... things were going to get really awkward.
Not to mention that if Sören brought up his feelings, Anthony might think he was trying to rebound, to get over Craig by using him, and Sören didn't want Anthony to get the wrong idea.
Why does everything always have to be so fucking complicated all the fucking time, Sören thought to himself, his smile now a scowl.
Sören tried to not ruin the magical moment by dwelling on his probably-one-sided feelings, and whether or not trying to confirm if they were truly one-sided might hurt their friendship. He watched the moose disappear into the forest, and then Anthony pulled back onto the trail and resumed driving the snowmobile. Sören lost himself in the scenery, the view of the mountains and the lake and the bright blue sky and the trees that seemed to go on forever.
When they had their fill, they headed back to return the snowmobile, and went back to their cabin. It was golden hour, and they decided to watch the sunset again. This time, they enjoyed the snow and the sunset, building a snowman together. Sören fashioned a crude penis out of snow and put it on the snowman, and Anthony chuckled and rolled his eyes, feigning annoyance.
"Everyone assumes snowmen are male," Anthony said, and added, "and cis."
"Yeah, you're right. Maybe she's trans." Sören thought about how he could make a dress for the snowwoman without covering up the penis, and then he began to shape a swan dress like his third cousin Björk's, but even more ridiculous, giving the swan a googly-eyed expression. Anthony cracked up laughing and fell over in the snow. When Sören was done giving the snowwoman a swan dress, he joined Anthony, laying in the snow, making snow angels.
They went inside to feed Snúður, who yelled at them for being gone all day. Sören held and pet his cat as Anthony got dinner started, throwing steak and potatoes on the grill outside. They ate indoors by the cozy fire - Sören gave Snúður some treats both to appease him for the absence, and so Snúður wouldn't beg for steak. He begged anyway, and Anthony gave him a tiny piece. Sören snickered. "You spoil that cat," Sören said.
"So do you, Mr. Buys Artisan-Handcrafted Cat Toys on Etsy."
"Listen, those cat toys are cute." Sören shook his fork at Anthony, laughing harder, aware of how ridiculous he came across. "He loves that pineapple, in particular." Sören had brought a few cat toys for the trip and now that Snúður had a little bit of the steak he meowed for, he was batting a small fuzzy purple pineapple around the kitchen floor.
When they finished dinner, Sören asked, "Is it cake time now?" He knew there was a cake in the fridge, not just strawberries.
"Almost."
Sören's jaw dropped. "You, of all people, are going to make us wait for cake? Are you feeling all right? Who are you and what have you done with Anthony?"
Anthony laughed. "I thought we could look at the stars for awhile, now that it's dark outside. That's part of why I booked this cabin for your birthday, I thought you might appreciate a clear night sky."
Anthony wasn't wrong. Sören followed him out to the deck and they sat and gazed at the sea of stars. It took Sören's breath away, his hair standing on end, chills under his layers. It had been years since Sören had seen so many stars in the sky - not since he lived in Iceland, and even then, only if he got out to a remote area.
It made Sören love Anthony even more, to share this moment with him... to know Anthony loved nature as much as he did. Whether Anthony cared for him romantically or not, Sören still felt loved and appreciated for Anthony to have reserved this cabin for the weekend, knowing Sören would enjoy stargazing.
And then, the sky began to shimmer with bands of neon green. Sören's breath hitched and tears misted his eyes. He hadn't seen an aurora borealis since he lived in Iceland, and while he had no intention of going back while Einar was still alive, this had been one of the things he was most homesick for. Now it was here, in the sky above. The sky seemed to explode in waves of green and cyan fire, and it was all the more precious for how many years it had been since Sören had last seen one.
"Beautiful," Anthony whispered. "I've never seen an aurora before."
That made it all the more magical. Sören once again found himself hugging Anthony, and they hugged, laughing and crying together, as the aurora danced and the stars twinkled. It would have been enough just to see the innumerable stars, but the light show of the aurora made it even more special.
For all that Sören had struggled with depression since he was an abused, bullied child, he was glad to be alive right now and witness this miracle of nature. They lived in a beautiful world, and the aurora felt like a sign of hope - that life could be beautiful too, despite its many disappointments and heartaches.
They sat until the aurora was gone - Sören guessed maybe a half-hour, a little longer. It was another bitterly cold winter night and though they had bundled up, they were shivering again. They went back inside and Snúður yelled at them some more for being gone, then calmed down once he climbed on top of Sören for hugs.
"Hey, Sören?"
"Jæja?"
"Can you... go wait in the bathroom for a few minutes, till I tell you to? I want to get things set up."
Sören raised an eyebrow. "You had better not have spent an arm and a leg on presents besides the cabin."
"Go wait in the bathroom." Anthony grinned.
Sören heaved an exaggerated sigh, and carried Snúður into the bathroom, kicking the pineapple into the bathroom on the way there. He played fetch with the cat until Anthony paused outside the door and said, "OK, you can come out now."
Sören opened the door and said, "Hi, I'm trans."
Anthony shook Sören's hand. "Hi Trans, I'm Anthony."
"That's my line, you."
Anthony winked, then he grabbed Sören by the arm and pulled him along.
The lights were dimmed; the fireplace was glowing, and on the mantle over the fireplace there were twenty-eight tealight candles burning in frosted glass cups. In front of the fireplace, Anthony had taken the extra bedding in the closet and made a blanket fort with a nest of quilts and pillows. There was a small iced lemon cake and a bowl of strawberries with a dish of whipped cream.
Sören and Anthony sat under the blanket fort, facing the fire. Anthony cut them each a piece of cake. "Happy birthday," he said, handing Sören his plate of cake.
"Takk, you too." Then Sören facepalmed, realizing what he'd said. "Uh."
Anthony chuckled. "It's OK. I think the aurora kind of fried both our brains."
"Yeah. And this is..." Sören gestured up at the tealights. "Very ambient. Very..." Sören struggled to find words. "Very special."
"You're very special to me," Anthony said softly.
Sören's heart skipped a beat.
They practically inhaled the cake, and then it was time for strawberries. But instead of Sören dipping a strawberry into the whipped cream for himself, Anthony dipped one and brought it to Sören's lips. Sören ate from Anthony's fingers like he was a cat being given a treat - he meowed and made Anthony laugh. Then Anthony meowed back, and Sören dunked a strawberry in the cream and did the "airplane".
It was a particularly fat, ripe strawberry, and juices and cream dripped down Sören's fingers. Before he could pull his hand back and wipe it, when Anthony had finished the strawberry he took Sören's hand, licked Sören's fingers clean, and then he sucked on Sören's fingers, slowly, their eyes locked.
Sören's cunt twinged, his heart beating faster, stomach fluttering. "Just friends" definitely didn't do that.
When Anthony was done sucking Sören's fingers he moved in closer. Their lips met for the first time, and Sören's lips instinctively parted. Anthony's tongue found his, sliding, swirling. It was the sweetest kiss Sören ever had, heat coursing through his entire body, nipples hard, aching for more of those kisses.
This was what he wanted, more than anything. Had wanted for years.
And yet, part of Sören couldn't believe this was happening. After six years, why now? To try to be nice to him after being rejected so close to his birthday?
Sören found himself getting up and backing away.
Anthony's eyes widened and his face turned red, looking stricken. "Oh god -"
"I don't need your fucking pity, Anthony!" Sören ran off to the bathroom and slammed the door behind him.
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