Summer 2023
"Hello, are you Sören?"
Sören Sigurðsson looked up from his laptop, where he had been playing an online game about dragons in between gallery patrons. He worked as a curator at an art gallery and studio in Muncie, Indiana - famous for Bob Ross - and he occasionally showed his own work. This month, for June, the gallery was showcasing LGBTQ+ artists and Sören had more pottery and paintings on exhibit than usual. He was kind of hoping this was another potential buyer.
But the soft, high-pitched voice - like a young woman's - was not coming from anyone standing on the other side of his desk. Sören was confused until he stood up and looked down, and there, on the floor, was a penis attached to a set of hairy balls.
Sören jumped, and before he could pinch himself to make sure he wasn't hallucinating, the penis spoke again. "Sorry to disturb you, but I'm looking for Sören Sigurðsson -"
"Jæja, that's..." Sören cleared his throat and blinked - the penis was still there. The penis who had just talked to him. "That's me."
Although, a sentient penis was far from the weirdest thing Sören had encountered in his twenty-nine years on Earth. One of Sören's partners was an immortal Elf, who had been wandering the Earth for thousands of years, pretending to be human and trying to blend in. And Sören was from Iceland, the home of Björk, where people voluntarily ate fermented shark. A sentient penis was almost boring by comparison.
"How can I help you?"
"You're one of the people co-organizing the drag show to raise funds for the Trevor Project, yes?"
"...Jæja." Sören nodded. He'd been fearing some backlash as Indiana became increasingly hostile to LGBTQ+ people, enough that he wore a Kevlar vest under his shirt at work these days, and sometimes he thought about going back to Iceland, but there were his partners to consider - but he was also pretty sure a sentient penis wasn't about to give him a hard time. He decided to err on the side of caution anyway. "What do you want to know about the drag show? It's an adults-only event, if that's a point of concern..."
Sören didn't understand why people were so freaked out about drag queens around children, who Sören thought of as the LGBTQ+ community version of clowns. But then, conservatives rarely made sense. And in any case, the "adults-only" had less to do with fear of a protest from conservatives and more to do with Sören not wanting to be around noisy, messy children.
The penis said, "I want to know if... I can be in the show."
While everyone who was participating in the drag show was required to register in advance, they were not required to pick a name and theme ahead of time - some people only blossomed into their drag persona once they were around other drag queens who served as inspiration and encouragement.
This was Sören's second year co-organizing the charity event, and his fourth year participating. He'd transitioned to male six years ago, and found occasionally performing in drag to be an antidote to the internalized toxic masculinity that many trans men were prone to.
He'd also gotten all three of his partners to participate, two of whom [Maglor and Nicholas] were cis men, one of whom [Anthony] was a fellow trans man. Now they were helping Sören help Richinda Cockraine - the sentient penis - prepare for the drag show.
"Even though this is an adults-only event, Richinda probably needs to not look so obviously like a penis," Anthony said.
"I concur," Nicholas said. "As you know, if the police are called for indecent exposure, that's just going to 'prove' the bigots 'correct' -"
Sören put up a hand. "Jæja. I know." He stroked his beard and took a few steps back, trying to figure out how Richinda could disguise themself. "Um."
One of the drag performers getting ready backstage was Barb Ross, a drag queen version of Bob Ross with a huge curly chestnut poof wig and a bushy rainbow beard, wearing face paint that Tammy Faye Bakker would have envied and a paint-smeared artist's smock over a custom-made outfit with a sky-blue blouse of "happy little clouds" leading down to a green skirt patterned with "happy little trees", and a faux fur boa shaped like a "happy little squirrel" with an unnaturally long tail. Richinda could be Barb's brush, but that didn't seem right, Richinda needed more notice.
Then Sören saw Jesus Christina walk past wearing a wig in the blue, pink and purple colors of the Bi Pride flag, a gauzy rainbow robe, and elaborate beaded jewelry, carrying a large sparkly rainbow foam crucifix, and a lightbulb went off in his head.
Sören thought about the Veggie Tales videos he, Anthony, and Maglor had watched while high. "You could be Larry the Cucumber! Or... Laurie the Cucumber, I guess."
"Sure, we can put some green makeup on you, and a skirt or tutu might hide the Twins, there," Maglor said to Richinda, nodding.
An hour later Richinda was transformed into Laurie the Cucumber, with green paint, false eyelashes and red lipstick, wearing a long rainbow wig and a rainbow tutu. Richinda smiled and Sören thought to himself that Laurie the Cucumber was probably as close to Richinda had gotten to being their actual self - it wasn't every day that a detached penis shuffled around, and though Richinda had been reserved about where they had come from and who, Sören got the sense it had been unpleasant.
"The person I used to be attached to was a fundamentalist bigot, so this feels really freeing," Richinda said, confirming his suspicions. "Especially using his own favorite Christian media to mock people like him."
Laurie the Cucumber climbed up to sit on Jesus Christina's shoulder, and they watched as Sören, Anthony, Maglor and Nicholas got ready for the show.
Sören's drag persona, Illuminati Woketransagenda, wore a very long curly rainbow wig of "big hair", and a sparkly rainbow tulle dress.
Maglor's drag persona, Maquillage, wore a pastel rainbow mullet wig reminiscent of a unicorn's mane, and a fringed glittery rainbow shawl over a black gown with iridescent sparkles.
Anthony's drag persona, Augustifolia Tooting Woke-Mindvirus, had a long, flowing rainbow wig bright enough to make Lisa Frank's eyes water, heavy rainbow eye makeup, lipstick and blush, and a rainbow ombre gown.
Nicholas - known to one and all as Count Contessa for the event - had purple eyeshadow, makeup-enhanced eyebrows, and a rainbow wig styled like a vintage Hollywood starlet, and wore a silvery off-the-shoulder gown with rainbow-holograph sequins and a vibrant rainbow-sequined shawl.
Richinda hopped up and down excitedly at the sight of the drag queens all made up. "YAAAAAAAAAAS! You look fabulous!" Richinda turned to Nicholas. "Especially you."
Nicholas hmphed and his nostrils flared. "This isn't quite my taste, and I wouldn't do this if it weren't for a charitable cause -"
"Oh Dragula, take a compliment, would you?" Sören teased.
Nicholas rolled his eyes but then he flashed Sören a brief smile before he returned to feigned seriousness.
Maglor looked at the clock, then began to shove his mates towards the stage. "All right, queens. You better WORK."
Jesus Christina led the way. The rainbow foam crucifix was carried over one arm and with her other hand, Jesus carried a basket of glittery "loaves and fishes" squish toys with Laurie the Cucumber in it. "Hayyyyyyyy," Jesus said. "It's time to ask W.W.J.D. - Why Wouldn't Jesus Drag?"
The crowd went wild, and wilder when Jesus danced with Laurie to "Kooler Than Jesus" by My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult, occasionally throwing the loaf and fish fidget toys at the audience. From the back of the stage, Sören cheered them on too.
Richinda Cockraine was living their best life now, far away from Jim Banks.
_
Bigly yuge thanks to SemperViridis for helping me with the art on this. This was many hours of work and a pain in the ass, and we hope you appreciate our efforts to bring you Drag Queen Maglor [Draglor], Drag Queen Jesus, and of course Sören, Nicholas and Anthony in drag.
[Laurie the Cucumber is mine alone, though, and you don't want to know how long that took in photoshop 😂 Special level of insanity dedication 😂]