by Detergent
Congressman Jim Banks woke in the chilly pre-dawn hour and looked about himself. The room was frigid for June but he lay both toasty and snug in his cocoon of American flag blankets because Amanda had tucked him in before rising and beginning her long day of attending to the godly task of running his household. Her price was truly above rubies, he thought fondly, as his mind wandered to what they had done the evening before. Perhaps this time around when she inevitably quickened to his seed, she would finally bear him a son. He had prayed and prayed to the Lord over it and Congressman Banks felt sure that He was on the verge of granting His servant's plea. He stretched, kicking his feet out under the covers, flinging his arms out, his muscles stretching pleasantly. Except for the goofy face he made, he looked like a very king of the Earth. Or, at least Indiana, at any rate.
Glancing over to his left, his eyes lit on his Bible. Perhaps he would read a chapter this morning but then his bladder twinged and he had to delay feasting on the Word just a little bit so he could relieve himself. He sat on the side of the bed and wiped his face with his hand. Something felt different like something had gone missing. But then he looked down and saw that Amanda had placed his slippers right at his bedside and Jim was reassured. Everything was in its proper place in the state of Indiana- The sun in the sky, the Lord above, women in the kitchen, men at their jobs, and everyone in the correct bathrooms. FINALLY. It was the order that the Lord intended and though he had a full bladder, Jim Banks felt sure that God Himself smiled down upon him this day for the work he had done.
He padded to the bathroom and stood before the toilet. He did not have to lift either lid since, as the head of the family, everything catered to him. He took up his stance and loosened the tie on his Veggie Tales pyjama bottoms. As he slid the comfortable pants down, his hand automatically reaching for his member, he saw a folded paper dangling between his legs. Confused, he reached for it. Had Amanda left him a playful little note after their evening encounter? He pulled the paper out and went to set it aside so he could read it after urinating but, as he looked down at his crotch, he saw that his penis was entirely absent. Hands shaking, he picked up the paper and unfolded it.
Dear Jim, the letter began. I have left you. Banks pressed his hand to his mouth in shock and kept reading.
While I can say the first ten or so years we spent together went pretty well, I cannot tolerate your bigotry and hatred any more. I am appalled and disgusted at how you are gleefully policing Hoosier genitals and those who possess them. Instead of legislating which kinds of genitals can use which designated bathrooms, you could have helped everyone by mandating more family-style toilets that are for every combination of gender and equipment but you have taken the path of hatred. There is also the fact that you helped draft a bill without thinking of me- Have you ever asked me if I felt like being attached to you? No. You have taken me for granted for years- grabbing me, stuffing me into stifling underwear, and there was that time when you got me violated by a field of corn, Jim. This is a toxic relationship so me and the twins have sought help and now we're free, You'll have to piss sitting down now. Don't try to find us.
Where are you going to pee now, Jim? Where will YOU take a dump?
Rot in Hell,
Richinda Cockraine.