In the past, I have had extremely toxic experiences with both Christianity and Paganism, and in spring 2016 I decided I was done with religion. Not to put too fine of a point on this, but I have Religious Trauma Syndrome due to my history spanning 20 years with religious groups that messed my head up in similar and different ways. I went from authoritarian abuse and being afraid of going to Hell and/or left behind in the Rapture as a Christian, to being convinced my ill health and other things going wrong were the gods punishing me, as a polytheist. I had been told by Pagans that I had experienced abuse/rape/etc because of my karma, and that I could meditate/Reiki/magic my way into better health or "choose health" through willpower and positive thinking and so on.
After I walked away from all religion in 2016, I spent the first few years as an antitheist to deprogram, holding the belief that the world would be better off without any kind of religion, and worked out my anger towards religion in the Northern Lights series [2018-2021]. Eventually I calmed my man-tits and saw that it is fundamentalism/extremism that is the problem and not so much belief itself.
But I was still fairly agnostic - when you've been wrong about beliefs in the past, when you have disordered thinking [like OCD] that makes you prone to unhealthy beliefs and vulnerable to manipulation, and when others have weaponized spirituality and lied to you and abused you in the name of their gods, it becomes difficult to believe.
However, I also felt adrift. I was arguably better off without the problematic "G-d/the gods will punish you for minor things and They have the right because They're bigger" dogma, and I believe that it was necessary for me to have those years of anger in order to unpack and process the damage that abusive Christian and Pagan groups had done. I still, even now, think that it's possible to be a good person without religion/gods, and there's something to be said about the person who tries to be decent out of compassion and empathy rather than Divine punishment/reward.
But it still felt like there was something missing. Going back to Christianity or Paganism felt wrong, however, and as a gay trans man I felt like my identity was at odds with religion.
Eventually, I found out that Reform, Reconstructionist, Renewal and Conservative Judaism all accept LGBTQ+ people and there are eight genders in the Talmud. After a dear Jewish friend died in 2022, I began to contemplate converting - and indeed, I'd had those "want to be Jewish" feelings off and on since childhood. But I made myself sit with my feelings, not sure if I could take the plunge. Well, 2023 was a really difficult year and reminded me of the saying "there are no atheists in foxholes", and in fall 2023 when antisemitism got ugly and I found myself feeling intensely protective towards the Jewish friends I consider family I finally decided to convert, and made a formal announcement on my Dreamwidth in December 2023.
Yes, I'm still writing smut. There are Jewish erotica writers, and hell, Song of Solomon is erotica! Judaism is a sex-positive religion. I have even encountered Jewish BDSM practitioners over the years. To me, writing erotica is a celebration of something beautiful and life-affirming. Writing consensual, loving erotica is also healing for me, considering my experiences as a victim of CSA and later sexual assault. Also, other people have said they find comfort and happiness in reading my fic, so I consider writing it to be a mitzvah. The only thing that will change with regards to my writing is a slower pace [since I have to study now and I have like .018 brain cell] and in new fics from 2024 onward, I will be writing Anthony as Jewish and sometimes also Sören as a convert, because yay queer Jewish representation. I am NOT going back in time to retcon them in older multiverse fics because I have no spoons for that, and while I regret the antitheist themes of Northern Lights I'm letting it stand as-is.
Yes, I still swear. I'm going to try not to swear at shul 🤣 but considering how many different terms Yiddish has just for the word "penis", I think Hashem has better things to do than get mad because I say "fuck".
Also going forward, I am keeping a lower profile to avoid even more harassment than what I've already been dealing with the last four years - which means public posts on my Dreamwidth will be fewer and farther between - and I have taken steps to protect myself offline.
If you need to know where I stand on the I-P issue to decide whether or not to engage with my creative works [sir, this is a kosher Wendy's], I would recommend looking at J Street, Peace Now, Chuck Schumer's speech and this statement from Bernie Sanders and I will let that speak for itself. עַם יִשְׂרָאֵל חַי