[art by myself and CogitatingKerfuffle, 2021]
Mark's birthday, March seventeenth, fell on a Wednesday that year, and Anthony had made plans to spend the night at Mark's dorm. Since they'd become lovers in February, they had started spending the weekends together and at least one night a week, sometimes two. Anthony would have liked to spend every night with Mark, but more than that would interfere with Anthony's schooling too much - as it was, he had to spend some time each weekend studying and doing homework, which Mark understood. So, three nights a week it was, and so far things had been going very well.
They had become a fixture in each other's lives - and Anthony was sure Mark wasn't seeing other people - but they had yet to talk about their feelings or where they stood. Privately, in his head, Anthony called Mark his boyfriend, but he hadn't used that word aloud. Not just because in 1999 it wasn't really safe to be openly gay, but even if it had been, Anthony wasn't sure how Mark felt, he didn't want to rock the boat by pushing that conversation. That didn't stop Anthony from having feelings, though, and hoping Mark felt the same way.
Such were Anthony's feelings that even though Mark had told Anthony it wasn't necessary to get him anything for his birthday, Anthony had decided to give him something personal. He was starting to feel self-conscious about it as his car pulled in the parking lot of St. Edmund's, and as he made his way to the door of Mark's dorm his heart hammered in his ears, feeling the urge to turn around and bring the gift back to his own dorm, or at least hide it in his car. But it was pouring rain outside, and Anthony didn't feel much like heading back out there. And he still felt like Mark should have this. So, on pins, barely breathing, Anthony reached to knock on Mark's door.
Mark opened it before Anthony could knock. Once again, Anthony wondered if Mark had super-sensitive hearing. "Hi," Anthony said, smiling awkwardly.
"Hi." Mark smiled back.
"Hi." Anthony just stood there, feeling like an idiot, soaked from just the short run from his car to the dorm building.
"Hi."
"Hi."
Mark grabbed Anthony by the hem of his shirt and dragged him in. When the door closed behind them, Mark gave Anthony a deep kiss.
Anthony thought about dropping to his knees and blowing Mark right there, but he just wrapped his arms around Mark and kissed him back, trying to behave himself at least a little, for now. They rubbed noses and then Mark put an arm around Anthony and led him over to the couch.
"What's in the bag?" Mark cocked his head to one side.
"Your birthday present."
"I told you that you didn't have to get me anything." Mark gave Anthony a stern look, but his eyes were smiling.
"I know, but... I had to." Anthony's hands shook a little as he put the bag on the coffee table, then he took Mark's hands in his, not wanting Mark to open it - and see my shame, Anthony thought to himself, cheeks burning - just yet. "First, though, I meant to ask you this over the weekend, so I could grab a reservation, but we were... a bit distracted."
Mark's lips quirked; he knew exactly how they'd been distracted.
"I'd like to take you out to eat for your birthday. Where do you want to go?"
Mark shrugged. "Actually, I was thinking we could stay in and get something delivered... and skip our evening walk. It's raining cats and dogs out there."
It really was coming down hard. Anthony didn't mind that idea so much, though he felt bad because after Mark's generosity for his own birthday, he really wanted to do something more than the little gift he'd brought, that he hadn't even spent money on. "If you're sure."
"I'm sure. And... you should get out of those wet clothes."
Anthony smirked. "Now now, dessert will spoil your appetite."
Mark laughed. "But looking will give me more of an appetite for later."
Anthony obediently stripped down to his boxer-briefs. His cock stirred as he saw Mark ogling him; he still couldn't believe this gorgeous man wanted him, lusted for him like this.
It was chilly enough from the rain that despite the heat being on, there was enough of a draft in Mark's dorm that Anthony broke out into gooseflesh. Mark relented and gave Anthony a T-shirt, and as Anthony pulled on the T-shirt, Mark called for Chinese delivery.
"If I was any good at baking, I would have made you a cake." Anthony frowned a little. "Then again, I don't know exactly how old you are, so I wouldn't know how many candles to put in it."
"Too many," Mark said. "And that would have just made me feel old."
Anthony realized as Mark kissed him that Mark was evading the topic of how old he was exactly - he knew thirtysomething, but that wasn't a precise number. Anthony wondered why, then he told himself you're not a lawyer yet, and don't be rude and made himself let the curiosity go, melting into Mark's kiss and touch. Before they could get too worked up, Mark got up and put on Pink Floyd. Anthony was still cold in his T-shirt and boxer-briefs, so Mark took a fleece blanket and they huddled under it together, Anthony resting on Mark's shoulder, as they waited for the food to arrive, listening to the music.
"I want to know what you got me," Mark said.
"For someone who didn't want anything for his birthday, you're awfully curious."
Mark gave him a look. Anthony chuckled and gave Mark a little kiss. Then he said, "After dinner."
"Oh, fine. Be an adult." Mark rolled his eyes, and then he grinned and they laughed together. Mark pulled Anthony close, and started petting him. Anthony closed his eyes and gave a deep sigh of contentment, soothed by the sound of falling rain, the ambiance of Pink Floyd, and feeling Mark's arms around him, the gentleness of Mark's hand. He could get very, very used to this.
After dinner Mark did some cleanup then went right for the bag on the coffee table. He pulled out a composition notebook. He looked a bit puzzled, then when he opened it up he saw the well-aged page, and Anthony's handwriting.
"You gave me books of poetry for my birthday," Anthony explained. "These are poems I've written since I was a teenager. They're not good." Anthony hung his head, face on fire. "To be honest, some of them would be fitting lyrics for nu-metal bands." Anthony gave a wry chuckle and looked back up. "But... I wanted you to have them."
Mark sat quietly, looking into Anthony's eyes. After a long moment he found his words. "Anthony, are you very sure? This seems like something awfully personal to part with."
"It is. I've never shown this to anyone, not even my uncle. But..." Anthony swallowed hard. "You've been inside me, but also I feel like... you connect with me deeper than anyone else has. So I felt like you should have this." Like a piece of my heart, Anthony thought to himself, but he didn't say it aloud.
Mark leafed through the notebook. He read a poem aloud.
I hate the way you make me feel
Like I'm not there, like I'm not even real
Except when you want to kick me down
And trample me while on the ground
I hate the way you make me think
The lows where I would never sink
Wishing that you'd just fucking die
I'd watch and have no tears to cry
I hate the way you make me hate
I never used to carry all this weight
All this poison, seething in my soul
That I keep locked away, under control
I hate you and your stupid face
I can't wait to leave this place
"I was thirteen," Anthony said. "I was getting bullied." The sad thing was, this was lesser bullying than Anthony had faced just a year before, at a different school, one that his mother had pulled him out of once he'd gotten chased up into a tree and fallen out.
Mark put an arm around him.
"I told you it was bad." Anthony chuckled.
Mark flipped ahead and read another:
Behind this mask you'll never see
The truth, the heart, the soul of me
It's not safe to be myself
Sometimes I wish I was someone else
"Fifteen," Anthony said.
"I still feel like that and I'm... thirties," Mark said.
Once again, not giving an exact age. Anthony thought about saying so but held back. Instead, he chose to focus on Mark's response to that poem. Anthony still didn't feel like he could be completely himself in the world either - though he relaxed around Mark. Mark himself seemed so confident, making music and performing it for others, very set in his opinions and tastes. He seemed like he had life figured out. He knew of course that Mark had issues, and he supposed some of why they'd connected was a feeling of not being like everyone else... but it surprised him how deeply it ran for Mark.
"I have more recent stuff towards the end," Anthony said.
Mark flipped ahead towards the back of the notebook and read another aloud.
rain falls down
sky falls apart, grief
for lost light
"I wrote that after my uncle died," Anthony said. "But it... applies to more than that, I think. And I was experimenting with a 3-5-3 haiku format."
"It's beautiful," Mark said. "Well... not beautiful your uncle died. Beautiful in a simple, elegant, melancholy way."
Anthony bit his lower lip. "Thanks."
Mark exhaled. His burnt hand covered Anthony's for a moment, thumb stroking Anthony's wrist. The touch made Anthony tingle. "You're so young, but... you're an old soul. There's a depth to you." Mark gave a small smile, his eyes sad and wistful. "You remind me a lot of one of my uncles. My father's youngest brother. People tended to dismiss him because of his age, but... there was a lot more to him than they realized."
Anthony covered Mark's hand with his other hand. "You miss him." His heart ached in solidarity.
Mark nodded. Then he turned to the next-to-last page.
in the silence, as we lay there
your song plays on in my heart
unlocking hidden doors
to hidden places
strange new worlds
of vibrant colors that don't even exist
teeming with life, undying
where i can do the impossible
like learning to fly.
That was obviously about Mark, whose mouth opened slightly. Anthony's face was on fire; he felt like an idiot. Then Mark turned to the last page.
sunrise, and i rise
burning beside you
to paint you with my love
the way the sun paints the sky.
That was as close as Anthony had gotten to an admission of love. Here it was a euphemism for his seed - as Anthony had spurted over Mark several times in the last month - but it was more than that. And Mark seemed to know it. Their eyes met, and Anthony braced himself, heart racing again.
Mark reached out, and traced Anthony's lips with his thumb. "I've been inside you, and seen inside you... and now I want you inside me." The huskiness in Mark's voice made Anthony shiver, cock stirring. Mark leaned in closer and added, "If that's OK."
Anthony nodded, grinning like a fool, elated. Mark wasn't running away. "That's... more than OK, yeah."
Mark pulled Anthony close and kissed him hard. They both moaned into the kiss, and when the kiss broke, catching their breath, their eyes locked. There was something like a heaviness between them, a field of electricity that was also almost like a magic circle, a space just for them. Their noses nuzzled and then they kissed again, more deeply than before, full of hunger and desire.
For awhile they sat on the couch just kissing, tongues rubbing together between kisses for longer and longer periods of time until they were licking tongues as much as they were kissing, if not more. Anthony was ragingly hard, aching for release, but he savored the sensual makeout session, like a delicious appetizer before the main course. When Mark started kissing Anthony's neck, his hand reached to palm the hard bulge in Anthony's boxer-briefs, and the touch of Mark's hand almost brought him off. It was then Anthony breathed, "Bed. Now."
Mark laughed, stood up, took Anthony's hand, and led him to the bed. They undressed each other, hands roaming over the exposed flesh, and Mark pulled Anthony against him, their hard cocks rubbing together as they kissed and caressed. Feeling bold, Anthony pushed Mark down onto the bed, taking the lead in feverish kisses, at last kissing and licking Mark's neck as Mark arched to him, panting.
Anthony wanted to spoil Mark - get Mark very, very ready to give himself. He was touched deeply by Mark's acceptance of his gift, which he knew could have gone badly, and now he expressed those feelings with his lips and tongue and fingers, kissing and licking Mark all over, hands following the path of his mouth, needing to explore every inch of him, please every part of him. If Mark could relate to the sort of loneliness and cold Anthony had endured as a teenager, even just a little, Anthony wanted to give him fire.
As Anthony worked on Mark's body, he rubbed himself against Mark's thigh, electrified by Mark's breathy moans as Anthony licked and suckled his nipples, traced the definition in Mark's abs with his tongue, nibbled on his stomach, kissed and nibbled on his inner thighs. Anthony hovered over Mark's cock and took a few teasing licks, then dove in and sucked, slowly, as Mark clutched his head, panting, trembling. After a few minutes of that Anthony kissed down the seam of Mark's crotch, nuzzling the dark bush, breathing in the musk-and-petrichor scent of him, before parting Mark's thighs and taking a deep breath, looking at the puckered hole.
Anthony's tongue slid in slow circles around the rim. Mark's breath hitched, and Anthony went for it, pushing his tongue inside. Mark cried out, and Anthony stopped and looked up, laughing. "Shhh, we have to be quiet, remember?" He gave Mark a wicked grin before his tongue dipped back inside. Mark tasted clean, and Anthony groaned into him, stroking himself as his tongue lashed away, knowing how good this felt, going mad with lust that he could make Mark feel that way too... and Mark loved it, gasping "yes, yes," writhing, breath ragged, now and again giving a little whimper that went straight to Anthony's cock.
Anthony slowed down, swirling his tongue, listening to Mark panting, glancing over Mark's body into wild, molten silver eyes. Mark was beautiful lost in sensation, and Anthony moaned, licking faster, fucking that sweet spot with his tongue, until Mark tugged at his hair. "Please, please," Mark whispered, quivering. "Please, Anthony, please, take me, please."
Anthony stopped licking inside him, kissed and nuzzled Mark's thigh, and kissed his way up Mark's body. His own cock was leaking so much precum it was entirely slick with it - Anthony felt like his balls were going to explode - and laying at Mark's side, before he began to lube his own cock he collected some precum on his fingers and stuck his index finger in Mark's mouth; Mark reached up to tenderly put a hand on Anthony's head, cradling him. The way Mark moaned around his finger, closing his eyes in bliss, made Anthony's cock jolt. He needed.
Over the entire month they'd been together, Mark hadn't bottomed for Anthony yet. Anthony had definitely thought about topping Mark - he'd masturbated about it plenty - but he hadn't asked since he knew enough about gay culture to know some guys only topped or bottomed. He wanted to top, but he was also fine bottoming. Now, though, the thought of being inside Mark was driving him wild. As he settled between Mark's legs, the tip of his cock at Mark's passage, it occurred to Anthony that if Mark was telling the truth about it being a long time for him, when they were starting out, then it had also been a long time since the last time Mark bottomed, and Anthony knew he was going to have to exercise restraint and not just pound away like he'd railed Mark in his fantasies. Anthony paused, reached for the lube again, and erred on the side of even more lube, pouring more against Mark's channel, shuddering as he watched it drip inside.
Then Anthony hooked Mark's right leg around his waist. "You ready?" he asked.
"Go for it," Mark said, looking up at him adoringly.
Anthony began to move inside, slowly, not wanting to hurt him. Mark's insides gripped him like a fist, and Anthony couldn't help the moan that escaped him as he continued his descent. When he was all the way in, he rested for a moment, not just for Mark's sake but for his own - he was already so close, too close. Once Mark gave the go-ahead Anthony started to thrust, slow and easy, but Mark felt like a vise wrapped in silk, and a dozen strokes in Anthony was undone, coming with a cry.
Shaking, Anthony lay on top of Mark, and when he caught his breath, he touched Mark's face and said, "Sorry."
Mark laughed and patted him. "No need to apologize."
"But you didn't come. I came too soon -"
Mark put a finger to Anthony's lips. "It's pretty common to have that happen your first time. Anyway... when you recharge you can try again. You'll probably last longer the second time, with the edge taken off."
Anthony was relieved Mark wasn't upset about it - he still felt guilty, and a little embarrassed. Mark seemed to understand Anthony was still beating himself up, and gave him a few reassuring little kisses, then kisses that were less gentle, more heated. Anthony reached down and started playing with Mark's hard cock as he kissed Mark back.
Anthony decided to try to get Mark closer before he tried again. He licked and nibbled Mark's neck, and spent awhile lapping and suckling at one of Mark's nipples, fingers and thumb teasing the other, going back and forth between them. He kissed down Mark's stomach, and took Mark's cock in his mouth. Sucking Mark hardened Anthony right up again, especially when he could taste Mark's precum and saw Mark was trying very hard not to moan. Anthony sucked harder, faster, one hand playing with Mark's balls, slipping two fingers of his other hand into Mark, finding that sweet spot and rubbing it. He could feel his seed inside Mark, and it made a wet sloshy sound that made both of them groan.
"I loved feeling you come inside me," Mark husked. "I can't wait for you to take me again and fill me with more of your cum..."
Anthony moaned around the cock in his mouth, his own cock jolting. Mark moaned too, and touched Anthony's face. "Want you to come and come and come inside me..." Mark sighed and shivered.
That was it. Anthony felt like he was possessed. He let Mark's cock slip from his mouth, and settled back between Mark's legs. He hooked Mark's leg around him and pushed in again - Mark was still tight but it went in easier this time. Anthony focused on his breathing, trying to hold back his release. It got more difficult to do as he looked at Mark's body, Mark's hard cock, those burning silver eyes, Mark's face in ecstasy as he bucked, rolled his hips back at Anthony, stroked himself. "Yes, fuck, yes," Mark breathed. "Your thick cock feels so good..."
Anthony groaned. He couldn't help speeding up. Mark gasped, and before Anthony could ask if Mark was all right, Mark stroked himself harder and panted, "yes, like that..."
Anthony steeled himself. Mark's inner muscles rippling up and down his shaft was bringing him closer and closer to the edge, but he needed Mark to come first. He bit his lip, holding back with all of his strength. Mark felt so good, looked so beautiful...
Mark was right there, stroking himself furiously as Anthony fucked away, gasping for breath. When his eyes widened Anthony knew Mark was about to come, and a second later Mark's seed sprayed Anthony's chest, then his own. Mark twitched, panting. Anthony took a last thrust and came too, collapsing on top of Mark as the pleasure throbbed through his entire body. Mark beamed, looking euphoric, and Anthony grinned and laughed. They kissed, and Mark wrapped his arms around Anthony, rocking back and forth, kissing him again and again. Mark scooped some of the cum off his chest, put his fingers in Anthony's mouth, and then Anthony kissed him, sharing Mark's seed between them. They both sighed, and nuzzled.
Anthony rested his head on Mark's shoulder and Mark pet him. Anthony's cheeks burned, still feeling self-conscious about the first round. "I'm sorry, again, about -"
Mark gave him a stern look and silenced him with a kiss. "Anthony. I told you. It's fine." Mark smiled, full of mischief. "I love feeling all your seed inside me."
Anthony laughed. "OK." He thought that was incredibly hot, and he wondered about doing marathon sex with him some night, seeing how many times he could fuck Mark and come inside him, if Mark loved it that much. But it wouldn't be tonight - Mark had been very, very tight, confirming for Anthony that Mark had been honest about it being awhile. Anthony wondered how long it had been, and decided not to ask.
"I enjoyed it, a lot." Mark kissed him. "I definitely want to do that again."
"Me too. I loved it." Then it blurted out of him, before Anthony could stop himself. "I love you."
There was a long pause, and Anthony immediately started kicking himself internally. It was one thing to heavily imply he had feelings, in his poetry. It was another thing to say those three words aloud. Shit. Now things are going to get weird.
But Mark's face lit up again. He responded with a deep kiss, and as they caught their breath, Mark stroked Anthony's cheek and whispered, "I love you too."
Anthony kissed him hard. He wanted to cry from relief - and joy.
But it was Mark's birthday, and not a time for tears. They kissed again and again, and Mark took Anthony's hand and guided it down to his cock, which was hard once more. Anthony groaned, and sighed with contentment as Mark rolled him onto his back, kissing him. The night had just begun.
They got to sleep after one AM - Anthony was going to pay for that tomorrow, when his classes started at nine, and the alarm was set for seven.
Well before the alarm went off, Anthony was woken up by Mark crying out in his sleep, clinging harder. "No, don't go," Mark called.
"I'm right here." Anthony's arms tightened around him. He opened bleary eyes and saw it was a little past four AM. He turned his attention back to Mark, petting his hair, rubbing his back. "I'm here. It's OK."
"Don't go," Mark cried, voice thick from sleep. "Don't leave, Ara."
Anthony rained little kisses over Mark's face. "Shhhh. It's just a bad dream. You're here."
"Ara... Ara, don't go to Gondo-"
"Shhhhh, Mark."
At being called by his name, Mark's eyes opened. He gasped with a little shiver, like he had expected to wake up somewhere else. Then his eyes met Anthony's in the blue glow of the nightlight. Anthony stroked Mark's face again.
Anthony's curiosity was killing him, but he wasn't going to interrogate Mark at this hour. Instead he just pulled Mark into his chest and started rocking him. "It's OK. It was just a dream."
Mark broke down sobbing. Hearing him weep so brokenly brought tears to Anthony's eyes too, but he kept them in check, needing to be Mark's strong fortress. He continued rocking and petting him. "Shhhh, it's OK," Anthony soothed. "It's all right. You're here. You're safe. You're here. You're safe in my arms. I love you."
They eventually got back to sleep. When the alarm went off, Anthony grumbled, wanting to throw it across the room. Mark put on tea and they had a cup before Anthony had to go off into the rain. As they sat on the couch drinking tea, Anthony decided to test the waters.
"Mark, who's Ara?"
Mark froze, with a "deer trapped in headlights" look on his face. He quickly composed himself, sipped his tea, and then he said, matter-of-factly, "The man I lost my virginity to."
"Ah. I see." Anthony nodded.
He got the sense that it was best not to press further - that he'd lost this Ara somehow, and it was part of the tragedy of his life. He wondered where this "Gondo" place was. Both "Ara" and "Gondo" sounded foreign, and as Anthony finished his tea he reflected on that. He knew Mark's father was an inventor and had made powerful enemies, and all Mark's family was dead now, and Mark had been traveling the world - perhaps not just to outrun his inner demons, but to hide from whatever had gone after his family. Now he was starting to wonder if Mark Lauer was perhaps not Mark Lauer, but it was an alias. Mark had a perfect RP accent - a little too perfect, like the accent of someone who spoke English as a second language and was trying very hard to sound convincingly British.
Anthony hated being suspicious of his lover like this, and thought to himself You're not even a lawyer yet, stop acting like it. But things were more and more curious all the time.
Mark leaned in and gave Anthony a little kiss. "Thank you for being there for me last night."
"Of course." Anthony kissed him back. "Always."
Mark gave a tight, sad smile.
chapter 8 | return to Learning To Fly | return to Other Tolkien Fic | return to index