[Rest In Peace, Paul Reubens.]
"Conky, what's today's Secret Word?"
The robot zoomed around in circles and then began to shake and clang as he processed the receipt. Once it was ready, Pee-Wee took the slip of paper as Conky said, "Today's secret word is... gay!"
Pee-Wee held out the slip of paper to confirm to his friends at the Playhouse that was indeed the secret word. "And you know what that means. For the rest of the day, whenever someone says the secret word, scream real loud! Ready? Let's try it. Gay!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," everyone at the Playhouse screamed.
"HA HA," Pee-Wee laughed.
"Pee-Wee, are we still getting a visit from that guy running for President of the United States?" Chairry asked.
"I think so," Pee-Wee said. "OH BOY!"
Ron DeSantis didn't know what to think as he crossed the border into Puppetland. He did know that secessionists were usually patriots who were fed up with the woke liberal elites destroying AMERICA with their AI 5G vaccines designed by Fauci and George Soros, and who wanted to recreate the true American dream in their new territory... and if there was one type of person he needed on his side it was those true patriots who had enough of woke.
But Puppetland was not at all what he was expecting. Everything here seemed... kind of off in a way he couldn't quite explain. It just felt very weird.
Nonetheless, he had a job to do. He arrived at the Playhouse on time, and was greeted at the door by a clean-cut young gentleman wearing a grey suit with a red bowtie. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Herman," DeSantis said, holding out his hand for a handshake. "My, it is good to see a millennial who dresses with old-fashioned style. I fear for the younger generations who have gone woke and completely lost touch with traditional values."
"Thanks," Pee-Wee said, feeling a bit disconcerted about this. "Come on in!"
Pee-Wee had decided to hold a big barbecue since it wasn't every day an important US politician visited the Playhouse. In the meantime, before the guests arrived and the food started cooking... "Would you like some lemonade? Soda pop? Maybe some ice cream soup or jellybeans?"
DeSantis raised an eyebrow. He sat on Chairry while Pee-Wee waited on him, bringing over a bowl of rainbow-colored jellybeans. "Help yourself," Pee-Wee said.
"Is this some kind of woke? I mean... joke?" DeSantis asked.
"Is what."
"This," DeSantis said, pointing to the jellybeans. "It looks like the Gay Pride Fl -"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," everyone screamed.
DeSantis didn't know what to make of that reaction. He cautiously took a mouthful of jellybeans, not wanting to be completely rude.
The first guest arrived - Reba the Mail Lady. "Reba!" Pee-Wee yelled, clapping his hands together excitedly. "Reba, come have some lemonade and jellybeans!"
"Um, all right," Reba said, giving DeSantis a look as she walked off to the refreshment table where Pee-Wee waited on her, then Reba sat as far away from DeSantis as possible.
Pee-Wee got the sense that Reba didn't like DeSantis for some reason, and he didn't know why - he didn't pay attention to the American news which was always full of shootings and weird celebrity gossip. But his friend giving DeSantis the stink-eye made him feel uneasy, DeSantis giving her that dirty look right back made him feel uneasy, and that awkward feeling only intensified when Cowboy Curtis and Captain Carl arrived and DeSantis gave them an even nastier look.
But DeSantis had come here on a mission. "I need your help, Mr. Herman," DeSantis said. "I know Puppetland, like many other secessionist states, wants to come home to the United States we used to have. Before our great country of America got taken over by the woke."
"AAAAA," Pterri yelled, hovering outside Mr. Window.
"No no Pterri, woke was the secret word yesterday," Pee-Wee called to him. "HA HA."
DeSantis shoved a handful of jellybeans in his mouth. "What."
"Huh?"
"...The secret word." DeSantis's mind began whirling, looking at the rainbow jellybeans in the bowl, and the butch Black woman and the obvious gay couple sitting in the room. "Oh no."
And then Tito the Lifeguard arrived. "Hey Pee-Wee," Tito said, giving Pee-Wee a hug and a kiss as he usually did.
"THIS IS A TRAP!" DeSantis roared, throwing the bowl of jellybeans so the jellybeans scattered all over the floor.
"What is?" Pee-Wee asked.
"THIS! ALL OF THIS! YOUR SECRET WORD! YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE WOKE ELITE SOCIALIST CULTS! YOU TRIED TO POISON ME WITH ADRENOCHROME 5G AI JELLYBEANS TO BRAINWASH ME WITH THE WOKE MIND VIRUS SO I'D ACCEPT YOUR... YOUR WOKE GAY AGEND -"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," everyone screamed.
"There's no poison in the jellybeans, Mr. DeSantis," Pee-Wee said. "Only sugar. Lots of sugar."
"OH, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE CALLING IT NOW," DeSantis snarled.
"Calling what."
"YOU AND YOUR WOKE GAY HOMO -"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," everyone screamed.
"WHY DO YOU KEEP SCREAMING EVERY TIME I SAY THE WORD GAY," DeSantis bellowed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," everyone screamed.
"Aren't you not even supposed to use the word gay where you come from?" Reba asked, narrowing her eyes.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," everyone screamed.
"Governor DeSantis, your face looks really red, like you've been out in the sun too long," Tito said. "I have some aloe vera lotion -"
DeSantis's finger shook as he pointed it at the handsome, muscular lifeguard. "YOU WANT TO OIL ME UP AND LUBE ME WITH MORE OF YOUR WOKE MIND VIRUS TAINTED ADRENOCHROME, IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? YOU'RE TRYING TO RECRUIT ME INTO YOUR WOKE GAY -"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."
DeSantis began to spasm and froth at the mouth, having a fit. "WOKE! GAY!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA -"
DeSantis twitched harder, foam pouring down his chin and neck. "GAY! WOKE! GAY!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."
"What's wrong with being gay?" Pee-Wee asked, confused and hurt, taking Tito's hand.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."
And just like that, DeSantis exploded, getting his guts and brains all over the walls, with some glop falling onto the floor and contaminating the jellybeans.
"Well, that's going to be a big mess to clean up," Pee-Wee said, making a face. "Oh dear."
"Good riddance," Randy yelled, coming forward and kicking a pile of the goop that once was Ron DeSantis. "I heard things about him. He's an even bigger bully than me."
"...Yeah, I don't think he liked gay people very much," Cowboy Curtis said, frowning a little.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."