Anthony tries to be quiet when his bladder wakes him up to use the bathroom, but when he comes back, Sören is sitting up in bed with a frown on his face.
"Shit," Anthony whispers, feeling a twinge of guilt. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you -"
"Jæja." Sören rubs his eyes and then his face, scowling harder. "Ég er létt sofandi. I mean, ah - I'm, ah, a light sleeper."
Sören's accent is stronger - though Sören's English is excellent, after years of friendship Anthony knows Sören struggles with translating his thoughts to English when he's sleepy or feeling strong emotion - and Anthony tries not to swoon a little at the lilt and those rolling r's. Tries and fails - Anthony feels his heart beating a little faster, and it doesn't help that Sören's luscious curls are all sleep-tousled, which reminds Anthony of "after-sex hair".
He smacks away the thought of what it would be like to fuck Sören for what feels like the fiftieth time in twenty-four hours, and looks at the clock. It's a little after six AM. They arrived in New York last night, and will be spending the next three days in New York City. Anthony debates whether or not to start getting ready for the day ahead, or letting Sören sleep a little more - he knows Sören isn't a morning person, but also Anthony knows he himself isn't going to be able to get back to sleep anytime soon.
While Anthony has been looking forward to the road trip since Sören invited them on New Year's Eve, and they've spent all these months planning, this is the one part of the trip that Anthony has been less-than-enthusiastic about. His parents, Elaine and Roger, were visiting New York on one of Elaine's business trips in September 2001, and they were taking a tour of the World Trade Center that fateful day. Anthony has avoided New York as much as possible since then, but he didn't want to disappoint Sören by asking him to skip New York City in their itinerary.
The things I do for love, Anthony thinks to himself with a small sigh.
Anthony has been in love with Sören since he was assigned as Sören's transition mentor, but felt like it would be unethical to act on his feelings while they were in a mentor/mentee relationship - and then before the mentorship ended he met Mark and fell hard. But as deeply and passionately as Anthony loves Mark, and is committed to building a life with him, it hasn't made Anthony's feelings for Sören go away. Anthony wants both of them. But he keeps that to himself, not wanting to hurt his friendship or his relationship. So he pines. He continues to burn. And he would rather stab himself than let Sören down, especially when he knows about the abuse and bullying Sören endured growing up and he wants so very much to make Sören happy.
And so, he is in New York even though it dredges up painful memories for him - hard to believe twenty-one years have passed since that fateful day. His parents' remains haven't even been identified yet and Anthony doubts they ever will be. Anthony tells himself he's doing this for himself, too - he wants to be able to face the city where his parents died, as a form of closure. But he's still sort of dreading it.
Sören squints. "You OK?"
Anthony gives a short nod. "Yeah, I'm... I'm all right." He smiles, though he knows it probably isn't very convincing.
Sören scowls again, and just as he opens his mouth, Mark stumbles out of the bedroom and raises a hand in greeting to Sören before running it through his hair. "Hey," Mark rasps. He walks over to give Anthony a kiss, and Anthony notices Sören looking away, like old-fashioned politeness. Anthony hugs Mark, comforted by those strong arms around him. Mark discreetly gropes Anthony's ass, and Anthony relaxes into a genuine smile.
"How about I get breakfast started and then we start our day?" Mark raises an eyebrow, then glances over at Anthony. "If you're still up for the Big Apple, that is."
Anthony tries not to laugh at how quaint "the Big Apple" sounds in 2022, but then he knows Mark is the product of an older era - much older - and prone to occasional anachronisms, like someone who just walked in through a time machine and is trying to sound current and conceal being from elsewhere in history. One of his worries about sharing extremely close quarters with Sören for the next three months is whether or not they can keep Mark's non-human origins a secret, but he tries not to worry too much. Right now the more immediate issue is keeping Sören from joining the concern troll choir - Mark knows what happened on 9/11 directly affected Anthony and is trying to give him an out, and Anthony doesn't want Sören to insist they go somewhere else, since he feels Sören's disappointment with not seeing New York will outweigh his discomfort with the World Trade Center reminders.
"Yeah, we're here, we have things to do," Anthony says, giving Mark a "please don't" look. They both glance over at Sören, who narrows his eyes.
"You're sure?" Sören cocks his head to one side. "You're really, really sure you can do this? I don't want you to force -"
Anthony waves his hand dismissively. "I'll be OK. Besides..." Anthony takes a deep breath and thinks of hugging his parents just before he returned to Cambridge, just before they departed for the States. "I want to get flowers and bring them to the 9/11 Memorial." It feels proper, since they're here.
Mark pats Anthony on the back and pauses a moment to give a tender little backrub before he walks over to the kitchenette. Sören goes to the bathroom to wash up and change, while Anthony changes in the bedroom, having showered last night. When he comes out of the bedroom he can hear Sören still in the bathroom, and Mark is working in the kitchenette listening to Metallica as he cooks. Anthony gets the sudden wild impulse to fish in the laundry basket near the bathroom, takes out Sören's boxers, and inhales deeply, breathing in Sören's musk. Then his tongue darts out to taste the lingering notes of Sören on the fabric, as a fantasy of eating out Sören scorches his mind's eye. Anthony quickly throws Sören's boxers back in the laundry hamper, and when Mark looks over at him Anthony flashes a nervous grin, hoping Mark didn't notice what he was doing.
This is going to be an interesting three months, Anthony thinks to himself, face on fire.
Mark makes pancakes for breakfast - even with a tiny kitchenette Mark manages to pull off the lightest, fluffiest pancakes Anthony has ever eaten. After breakfast they start their day, beginning with a trip to the Statue of Liberty. It's such a stereotypical, cheesy tourist thing to do, but it also feels like a "must see" for three people not originally from America who have made it their home now, even though none of them came through Ellis Island and America has long since failed at "give me your tired, your poor".
They forego the crown - they've heard the view from the crown is not as impressive as people expect, and Anthony doesn't really want to deal with the vertigo on the double-helix staircase. They opt for the pedestal instead. There is a security check before they board the ferry to Liberty Island, and then a second security check before they enter the pedestal. Sören seems vaguely annoyed by the security stops, while Anthony knows all too well why they're necessary - but he feels for Mark, who always tenses up during routine security checks, worried that someday the fake identification documents he's paid handsomely for will fail him.
There are 192 steps from the base of the pedestal to the top - Sören has long COVID and Anthony feels concerned about his ability to climb, but the alternative is an elevator and Sören is severely claustrophobic. Anthony knows why Sören is claustrophobic - as a child Sören was regularly put in a tiny closet as punishment by his aunt and uncle, which makes Anthony's blood boil every time he thinks about it, fighting the urge to fly to Iceland and murder them. But even though Anthony knows and understands and has nothing but compassion and acceptance for his best friend, Sören is still ashamed. Mark finally gets Sören to compromise - steps up, elevator down.
The steps are wide and every now and again Sören sits and takes a short rest break to catch his breath. "You can make it. You can do it. You're doing great," Mark says, patting Sören on the back. Anthony knows Mark isn't just giving encouraging pats, but little boosts of energy through that touch - though Sören of course is not aware of what Mark is doing, and Anthony hopes Mark isn't overdoing it because the last time Mark overdid it - when Anthony was recovering from a hysterectomy for severe fibroids and just getting to the bathroom felt like running a marathon - Mark ended up needing to sleep for almost twenty-four hours.
At last they make it to the pedestal balcony.
The balcony is more narrow than Anthony expects, and it's a bit crowded, but Anthony manages to get past his discomfort of sharing a small space with a crowd, entranced by the view - three hundred sixty degrees from eight stories high. From different sides they can see New York Harbor, Ellis Island, Jersey City, Manhattan, Brooklyn, Staten Island, the Brooklyn Bridge, and the Verrazano Narrows Bridge.
Mark takes Anthony's hand, not caring that they're in public and there might be people who disapprove. Anthony leans on him for a moment, grateful that Mark helped get Sören up the stairs so Sören could share this with him - though Sören looks a bit wistful as he looks out at New York City, his curls flowing in the breeze. After Anthony and Mark rub noses and share a little kiss, Anthony goes over to give Sören a hug. "You OK?"
Sören nods. "I'm fine. It's just... wow. When I was a kid I used to see New York on television and all I ever wanted was to get away from Katrín and Einar and I wished I could go to New York and now I'm here."
Anthony squeezes him and affectionately tousles Sören's hair. He wants to kiss him too, but he doesn't think Mark will appreciate that - or Sören himself. "You're here with family," Anthony says, meaning it, though it feels weirdly incestuous to say.
Sören gives him a return squeeze and a pat and a tight smile. Then Mark walks over and Sören stands between them as they continue looking out over the water, admiring the view. For all of Anthony's reservations with coming to the city where his parents died, he's glad he's here now to see this, a reminder of history, those who went before, the country built on their blood, sweat and tears.
When it's time to get a move on, they take the elevator. Sören starts to breathe harder, tensing up, and Anthony and Mark pull him into a group hug, rocking him. "It's OK," Mark says in that velvet voice of his. "It's all right. It's OK, we've got you. It'll be OK. It's all right. We've got you. You're safe with us."
At last they reach the bottom and Mark helps Sören take some deep breaths to calm down - Sören is still shaking despite the two of them hugging him and Anthony knows it would be much worse if they weren't there. Once Sören is calmer, the ferry arrives and they sail back to the city.
Their next stop is a florist, and then the 9/11 Memorial and Museum. About twenty minutes into the tour of the museum, Anthony feels a meltdown coming on, getting mental images of what the last few moments of his parents' lives must have been like, and though he tries to control it - taking deep breaths, trying to make himself focus on other people - when the tears start he abruptly walks off. While at first he wants to be alone, feeling ashamed of breaking like this in public, he is nonetheless grateful that Mark and Sören follow him out.
They go to the 9/11 Memorial, opting out of going back to the museum tour - Anthony doesn't need to learn about what happened that day, he already knows too well. Two pools with large waterfalls are the focal piece of the memorial, and for awhile they just sit and watch the cascading falls. Though water runs into the void, it can never be filled, symbolic of the absence of the victims' lives. Since Anthony started T in 2013 it's been harder for him to cry, but the tears silently flow now and Mark and Sören each hold his hand, while the bouquet of flowers rests on his lap.
"I was only twenty-one when I lost my parents," Anthony chokes out. "I had my whole life ahead of me and suddenly everything felt so hopeless. Plunged into a new world of chaos and violence and..." He can't finish the sentence; he doesn't even know what he was trying to say.
Sören squeezes Anthony's hand. Anthony leans on him for a moment, even though it's like playing with fire, making him want Sören even more.
When Anthony is ready, they make their way to the bronze parapets on the edge of the memorial pools, where the names of the deceased are inscribed, grouped by the locations and circumstances of the attacks. With those who were in the South Tower of the World Trade Center, the names ELAINE HEWLETT-JOHNSON and ROGER HEWLETT-JOHNSON jump out at him and Anthony kneels to lay the flowers down and his tears are no longer silent. He bows his head and cries brokenly, heaving, letting out his sorrow for how they died - the senselessness of it - and the life they missed. They never saw him get his doctorate, they never saw him get married and divorced, they never met their granddaughter Rhiannon - Anthony's ex-husband Steve has custody, as Anthony lost custody for transitioning after a bitter battle in 2014 - and they never saw him transition. While his mother was very into having a daughter and their relationship was always tense because he wasn't the girly-girl she wanted, Anthony still likes to think his parents weren't horrible people and would have eventually come around with the transition.
Mark tousles Anthony's hair and rubs his back. "I know," Mark says softly.
Of all people, Anthony knows Mark gets it especially. Almost all of Maglor's family has died - Maglor's own father, who he idolized, died in his arms; Maglor's elder brother, who was his best friend, committed suicide. Maglor has been wandering the world for thousands of years, the last few centuries as "Mark", blending in as human, finding new chosen family just to have to move on because of his lack of aging, or to watch them sicken and die. And yet, Maglor has never played the "I have it worse, you have no right to complain" game - just the opposite, he is one of the most compassionate, understanding people Anthony has ever met. The portrayal of him as a kinslaying monster in Tolkien's Legendarium - Tolkien writing from his past life memories as Beren, skewed anti-Noldor for seeing Celegorm as a rival for Lúthien - is not the Maglor that Anthony knows and loves.
They walk through the Memorial Glade in the peace of the trees and the six stone monoliths and Anthony finds himself thinking of Valinor and his own past life as Finarfin - not canonical, but much of what is true never made it into canon - something Maglor is aware of but they rarely ever discuss it, trying to leave the past in the past. Anthony's thoughts about reincarnation, afterlives, souls and gods are messy and complicated - he used to be an atheist and it's still uncomfortable for him to wrestle with the concept of something more - but he hopes wherever his parents are, they're at peace. "A far green country under a swift sunrise," Anthony hears himself saying aloud.
They come to the Survivor Tree - a Callery pear tree that had been severely damaged at Ground Zero, that members of NYC Parks and Recreation nursed back to health; every year three seedlings are given to communities that have endured tragedy in recent years - Ukraine got a seedling this year, 2022. Anthony knows Mark is thinking of the Two Trees of Valinor, and all that they lost... but managed to find each other again, across time. Anthony quietly takes Mark's hand and Mark reverently bows his head, closing his eyes for a moment.
From the 9/11 Memorial they take the bus to Times Square. The crowd and lights and noise helps shunt Anthony back to the present and numb some of the grief - at first it feels fun and exhilarating, to be actually here, experiencing this live and in person, but then Anthony quickly feels overwhelmed and he can tell Sören is feeling that way too - Sören starts playing with a fidget toy and chomping on a "chewelry" pendant he usually wears under his clothes.
They decide to go have sushi at one of the nearby restaurants, both because they need to eat and also to get out of the crowds, and as they're seated and waiting for their food, Mark tenderly rubs Anthony's back and asks, "You want to see a movie when we're done here?" Their last planned itinerary of the day is the Brooklyn Bridge - tomorrow they're going to the Queerly Festival and then for their last day in New York they're going to quirky shops and art museums. After they see the Brooklyn Bridge tonight they're getting their RV from the parking garage and checking into the Knickerbocker Hotel, where they can park their RV overnight - only in New York and Las Vegas are they planning on staying in a hotel, to cut down on costs. But unlike the Statue of Liberty and the 9/11 Museum, where they needed to be there at a specific time, the Brooklyn Bridge is always open and they can check into the hotel anytime, so they have time to see a movie somewhere, and Mark seems to know that watching a film might help take more of the edge off; Anthony feels emotionally exhausted.
Anthony looks across the table at Sören, who nods. "Jæja, I've heard there's lots of artsy-fartsy cinemas in the city," Sören says.
Anthony manages a smile at see-tee, always melting a little at Sören's accent. "Sure, let's go see some weird arthouse movie."
Mark pulls out his phone and starts looking on Google, while Anthony tries not to snicker at one of the Eldar, at least as old as the Ice Age, using the Internet on his phone. After a couple minutes Mark's eyebrows go up and he grins - that smile lights up Anthony's world. "Ah-ha!"
"Something good?" Anthony asks.
"Your favorite movie of all time, Goncharov, is playing at Film Forum in the West Village." Then Mark starts cackling. "Or we could go to AMC and watch Mad Muppets: Furry Road on the IMAX screen."
Anthony still can't believe the Jim Henson Company hired Quentin Tarantino to direct a Muppet spoof of Mad Max, but then that isn't even the weirdest thing that's happened this year. Now Sören is laughing too and Anthony knows why - one time when Sören was over their place watching The Muppet Movie and they were all stoned, Anthony's phone rang and he answered his phone "Anthony Muppet-Johnson" and Sören has never let him live it down, though Anthony pretends to be more annoyed by it than he actually is, finding Sören's bratty teasing endearing. As much as Anthony wants to see Mad Muppets out of morbid curiosity - even knowing Sören is going to make more Muppet jokes for days - he can't pass up an opportunity to watch Goncharov on the big screen, something he never got a chance to do since the movie came out seven years before he was born. They can always see Mad Muppets in another city, like Chicago or Los Angeles.
They take the bus from Times Square to Film Forum, and once they arrive at Film Forum they make a stop at the concession stand - besides the usual popcorn there's an assortment of baked goods, including orange-chocolate Bundt cake, which Anthony can't pass up. He manages to relax with cake and Goncharov - he's seen it enough times he's memorized certain parts of the movie, which makes Sören laugh with delight when he recites them. By the time the movie is over Anthony is more or less feeling all right again, and then his phone rings as they get out of the theater. It's his daughter Rhiannon - Anthony does the math and it's after eleven PM in London, but it's a Friday night and school is out for the summer.
"Hi Mumdad," Rhiannon says - Anthony came out when she was four and began transition when she was five, but Anthony has never insisted that she not call him Mum; he doesn't particularly mind being called Mumdad. Every year on Mother's Day she sends him something seahorse-themed, which he finds amusing.
"Rhi, is everything all right?" Anthony asks, concerned that she's calling so late.
"Yeah! I just wanted to wait until after Dad went to bed, you know how he gets when I ring you."
Anthony's nostrils flare. Once again, he wishes he'd been able to fight harder for Rhiannon in court. He feels relieved it's just that and not an emergency, but it still makes him angry that even now Steve is trying to interfere in his relationship with his daughter.
"You're in New York, right?" Rhiannon chirps. "Are you having fun?"
Rhiannon knows Anthony is on a road trip, and he e-mailed her the list of where he'd be going and when. Anthony's scowl turns into a smile at her young exuberance. Oh to be fourteen again and have that kind of energy. "Yeah, I just saw Goncharov at an arthouse theater," Anthony says.
"Dad won't let me watch Goncharov. He says it's too violent."
"Your dad is a pri -" Anthony bites back the swear, even though he knows Rhiannon has heard it before - and worse. "Prima donna," Anthony says, though that wasn't the word he was going to use. "I saw slasher movies when I was a teenager and I turned out fine, this is not anywhere near as bad as all that, he's being hysterical over nothing." Anthony doesn't like the way kids these days are being overly sheltered from anything "problematic", which he feels is a form of infantilizing them, but then that's not the biggest disagreement he has with Steve's style of parenting.
"What else did you do today?" Rhiannon wisely changes the subject.
"I went to see the Statue of Liberty - the view from the pedestal is really nice - and we went to the 9/11 Museum so I could pay my respects to your grandparents. Then we went to Times Square and had sushi, and we saw the movie, and we're going to visit the Brooklyn Bridge. I took some selfies and other photos and was going to e-mail them to you when I get to the hotel."
"Can't wait to see them." A long pause. "I miss you."
"I miss you too." Anthony scowls again. Part of why he left the UK for the States was because of Steve throwing a fit over being perceived as "gay" having been married to someone who came out as a trans man, and trying to ruin his life after he came out, it doesn't feel safe to go back, and yet the distance means he only sees his daughter in-person once every one to two years, though they keep in regular touch - often behind Steve's back. Once Rhiannon is 16, the English courts will let her decide which parent she wants to live with, and Rhiannon has already told Anthony more than once she wants to come to the States to live with him. But that's two years away yet, and feels like an eternity.
Then Anthony hears a muffled female voice in the background and Rhiannon says "oh shit" and then, from a distance, Rhiannon shouts, "It's Danielle from school." Anthony hears an "oh, all right" and recognizes the voice - Steve's wife Trisha. Trisha doesn't like Anthony and the feeling is very mutual. Once again Anthony feels that surge of anger that Rhiannon has to lie to Steve and Trisha about how much contact they have, since Steve and Trisha are conservative and think LGBT people are "grooming perverts".
"Sorry," Rhiannon hisses. "I better go, I just couldn't help asking you about New York."
"Well, thank you for thinking of me." Anthony feels that tight ache in his chest, wishing he could give her a hug. "Maybe in a couple years, if you still want to come out here and live with me and Mark, we can take you to see New York City."
"I'd like that a lot. Looking forward to the pics!" She lowers her voice to a whisper. "Bye, Mumdad. Love you."
"Love you too."
Sören has been trying to act like he hasn't been eavesdropping, but Anthony knows he has, and when the call is over, Sören is the first to give him a fierce, tight hug while Mark keeps a respectful distance before joining in and hugging both of them a few minutes later. Anthony is once again grateful that Mark isn't jealous of their friendship - indeed, Mark is fond of Sören himself - though Anthony wonders sometimes if it's obvious to Mark how he feels about Sören, especially at times like this. Sören and Anthony were friends first, and many nights Anthony confided in Sören over long message and video chats about the pain of losing custody of his daughter to a transphobic, homophobic bigot, and missing so much of Rhiannon's life. "You're doing the best you can," Sören reassures him now, as he has many times before. "You're a good daddy."
Anthony's mind immediately goes into the gutter, a brief but delicious fantasy of Sören calling him "daddy" in bed with that sexy accent. It always makes him feel a little weird, since he has no interest in his daughter - indeed, no interest in women at all - but he feels protective of Sören, even though it's mutual; here and now, Anthony feels protected by him too.
They watch the sunset on the Brooklyn Bridge, and stay through the twilight fading into night. The view of the New York City lights from the bridge is spectacular, and Anthony is glad he came here even though it was emotionally difficult. It feels romantic to look at the golden lights while he and Mark lean on each other, hand in hand, though every now and again he glances over at Sören and he can't help but wonder if Sören feels like a third wheel, pacing here and there, shifting awkwardly, even as his face is in concentration looking out at the lights over the water as if he's committing it to memory to paint. Eventually Anthony goes over to Sören to give him a hug.
"Thank you," Anthony says.
Sören raises an eyebrow. "For?"
"Being you."
Anthony is paying for their hotel expenses, wanting them to enjoy some luxury while they're out on the road. They have a late dinner of appetizers and cocktails at the St. Cloud atop the hotel, enjoying an amazing view of Times Square all lit up at night while listening to smooth jazz. Sören looks exhausted and they leave before the bar closes.
In the hotel suite, Mark and Sören watch the news together while Anthony e-mails his daughter. After Anthony sends the e-mail he feels the tears coming on again, grieving the loss of his parents and the separation from his child - feeling angry at the injustice in the world - and once the e-mail is sent, he steps into the luxurious bathroom for a long, hot shower where he quietly cries it out. By the time he's done, he's ready to call it a night, eyes heavy, body leaden. They're sharing a room with two queen beds, and less privacy than the RV, but it's just as well because Anthony is too worn out physically and emotionally for sex. Mark understands and just holds him in the darkness, and Anthony snuggles into the shield wall of Mark's chest.
"I love you, you know," Mark whispers.
"I love you too." Anthony gives Mark a little kiss.
Then Anthony looks over at Sören, a lump under the covers, snoring softly. And I love you, Anthony thinks to himself, wishing Sören was cuddling with them, but he keeps those words and that wish to himself. Still, it doesn't keep him from going to his "happy place" - a house in coastal Maine where he, Mark and Sören all live together, with cats and Rhiannon. Impossible and ridiculous or not, the heart wants what it wants, and in the city that never sleeps, Anthony drifts off, dreaming of that safe, happy place of family.
