On Friday, March 16th, Dooku realized Sören had been gone for a month. He took a half-day from work and when he got home, he completely fell apart.
After a few hours of non-stop crying, he made himself tea. Then he realized he was out of milk, and he hadn't done much proper grocery shopping over the last month, just frozen dinners, cat food and cat litter. So he went to the store, and decided while at the store to make himself the first proper meal he'd had in a month, picking up a package of chicken legs and some fresh vegetables.
When he arrived back at home, he then realized that Sören's Vespa had been sitting in the driveway for a month, since Sören had left it there with the key. Dooku had been trying to not look at it, but now that it wasn't covered in snow as winter was thawing into spring, it was less difficult to ignore. And he couldn't leave it there forever.
Dooku's first impulse was to call Sören and tell him to take the damn Vespa, that it was a gift whether or not they were together. But not only was he reluctant to call Sören and possibly get into an argument with him about it - or worse, lose it at the sound of his voice and sob and beg for him to come back - he also understood on some level that Sören probably left the Vespa there for the same reason that Dooku hadn't been able to deal with the matter of the Vespa and had just been ignoring it; having it would be a perpetual reminder of what they had.
Dooku's stomach was growling - buying the food had triggered an appetite in him for the first time in months. So he attended to that first, considering what he might do about the Vespa as he cooked. At the smell of chicken baking in the oven, Dooku smiled; at least that was getting back to normal. He wondered why Dragos wasn't doing his usual begging routine. Then he noticed Dragos's food dish - he'd touched barely any of it today.
Dragos was sleeping on the floor near the bed. Dooku thought this odd, since usually the cat would use the stool to climb up onto the bed and sleep there. He got down on the floor next to his cat, and began petting him. Dragos opened his eyes and lazily nuzzled Dooku, purring as Dooku stroked him.
"Why didn't you eat today, hm?" Dooku asked. "Maybe you'll eat a little chicken? Your favorite." He didn't like giving Dragos table scraps very often, but once in awhile a small piece of chicken didn't hurt.
When dinner was ready, and Dragos wasn't begging at the table, Dooku got up to deliver a little bite of chicken to his cat. But Dragos didn't seem interested at all, didn't even want to sniff it to examine. Dooku frowned - this was odd, and it concerned him.
After dinner, Dooku went to his study. He Googled "how to sell my Vespa" but the first few hits took him to sites for Americans, which wasn't especially helpful. Finally, in frustration, he decided to call someone more knowledgeable about the Internet than himself.
Leja answered after the fourth ring. "What," she said.
"Hello to you too."
"...Considering that you've been ignoring my phone calls for a fucking month -"
"Considering that I heard from Qui-Gon that you know what happened, and were in fact the one to tell him, you should understand why I haven't talked to anyone in a month."
Leja sighed. "I understand it, I just... don't agree with it."
"Could we not with the lectures right now?"
"No, we bloody well could not could not with the lectures. Do you understand how worried both Qui and myself have been about you? I've been tempted more than once to drive to Bermondsey and bang on your fucking door to make sure you're still alive."
"IS THAT THE OLD MAN?" Dooku heard Hans yelling in the background.
"Yeah," Leja yelled back.
Dooku made a noise of exasperation. "Obviously, I'm still alive."
Hans had stolen the phone from Leja. "Hi still alive, I'm Hans."
"Give her back the bloody phone."
Leja laughed into the phone. "Goddammit. That's his way of saying hi."
"I don't need that right now."
"Yes, actually, you do."
Dooku sighed. "It reminds me too much of..."
"Oh dear." Leja gave a deep groan. "You know..."
"I will tell you the same thing I told Qui-Gon - I don't want to talk about it."
"Still? It's been a month."
"Still. I... I can't." Dooku sighed again. "And it's not what I called you about, anyway."
"Oh really."
Dooku pinched the bridge of his nose. "I have a Vespa scooter. It was... his." He couldn't even speak Sören's name aloud.
"Ah, yeah, he'd mentioned that he didn't take the scooter."
"How much has he told you?"
"Not a whole lot, just... enough." Dooku could hear the note of disapproval in Leja's voice. "But I thought you couldn't talk about it."
"No, I can't. So let me get back to the subject. This Vespa has been sitting in my driveway for a month. I've been able to ignore it until now. Now I can't. It needs to go. I've Googled how to sell it and I keep getting directed to sites for Americans which don't work for people outside the States. I assume you have experience with selling things, perhaps not a Vespa scooter, but where I might be able to sell one."
"Hm, yeah, try Craigslist."
"What's that? Is it like Grindr?"
Leja snorted. "How the fuck do you know about Grindr?" She snorted again. "Do you even know what Grindr is?"
"He'd mentioned it once. I assume it's a social networking site of some sort."
"Of some sort. That would be one way of putting it." Leja cackled. "Well, Dad, Craigslist both is and is not like Grindr. The purpose you'd be using it for, in this case, is not the reason why people use Craigslist like another form of Grindr. There is a for sale section on Craigslist. You can put up an advert there, and hopefully someone will contact you about buying the scooter."
"And if not?"
"Give it a couple of weeks and if it doesn't sell and you're really desperate to get rid of it, I'll take it and put it up for a charity auction. But I'd rather you try Craigslist first than offloading the scooter onto me because taking it is something I'd need to prepare for."
"All right. Thank you."
"Yeah, no problem."
Then Dooku found himself asking, "Are you angry with me about... him?"
"I'm not getting in the middle," Leja said. "He's family because of my fuckbuddy and my son and his fiance. Which sounds... really wrong in the same sentence, but there you go. Anyway, he's family but so are you, which means I'm not taking sides. Plus, I'd like to knock your heads together and lock you in a room until you fuck each other senseless, but the last time I tried to meddle in anyone's life they decided to start heroin and get in debt to a cartel, so I avoid meddling these days."
"I don't think you can blame yourself for that, Leja."
"Well you know, parents of addicts always get blamed for their children's addiction whether or not it's actually their fault. You don't know how many fans of the Knights of Ren have actually e-mailed me to tell me what an awful bitch I am, people I don't even know, and I don't know how the fuck they got my contact info, passing judgment on me when they've heard about the latest trouble Kylo's gotten into."
"It sounds like you need to vent."
"I can't talk about it."
Dooku smirked. "This entire family is excellent at feelings."
"Truth." Leja paused and then she said, "Not angry at you, I'm just upset that you didn't call me sooner, and your reason for calling me is to ask how to sell a bloody scooter."
In a moment of odd random humor - perhaps to overly convince Leja he wasn't suicidal - Dooku decided turnabout was fair play. "Hi just upset that you didn't call me sooner and your reason for calling me is to ask how to sell a bloody scooter. I'm Dad."
"Fuck. You."
Dooku smiled. "I have missed you and I hope you understand it's not personal. It's... depression."
"I miss you terribly, and yes I know, but isolating yourself doesn't help. You should come over for dinner or meet me for lunch or something!"
Dooku sighed, feeling a pang of regret. "I'm still not feeling particularly social, but perhaps in a few weeks."
"Hi still not feeling particularly social, but perhaps in a few weeks -"
"You know..."
Leja laughed. "I know."
After Dooku got off the phone with Leja, he went to Craigslist. He browsed the For Sale section to get a feel for the types of ads there, until he'd had enough of cringing at the atrocious spelling and grammar in too many of the ads. He created an ad for the Vespa scooter with his contact info.
Then he showered and got ready for bed. He called Dragos over to join him, but the cat was still laying on the floor. Dooku came over to pick him up and put him on the bed next to him, and stroked the cat until he fell asleep.
_
Dooku was woken up by his cell phone going off, with a number he didn't recognize. His first instinct was to ignore it, then he remembered he had the Craigslist ad up, and answered it. "Hello," he said.
"Ay, mate, you sellin' a Vespa," came a thick East End accent.
"Indeed I am. You've read the advert?"
"Yeh. I got cash, I can come get the bike today."
"All right, what time?"
"Two hours?"
Dooku gave him the address and directions. When he got off the phone he had a surge of anxiety - the man sounded rough, like one of the clients he represented, and maybe he shouldn't be letting such people near his home, alone. Then Dooku mentally chastised himself, remembering the times Sören had called him "posh" and basically accused him of classism without coming right out and calling it classism. Dooku was realizing there might have been something to that at least subconsciously, and he didn't like it, having thought of himself as a champion of the poor and oppressed in his career as a barrister.
Dragos was still on the pillow where Sören used to sleep, and Dooku wondered if Dragos had gotten up at all. He woke up the cat, who yawned and stretched, and then Dooku carried him to the kitchen. He'd put out fresh food before bed, and Dragos had eaten none of it. Dragos also hadn't touched his water. Dooku stood there expectantly, waiting for Dragos to nibble some food and lap some water, but Dragos just looked at the dishes and took a few steps away, to lay on the floor between the kitchen and the hall.
Dooku didn't like that. He went to the litterbox, which he changed every day to control the smell. Dragos hadn't gone to the bathroom in the last 24 hours that he could tell.
Dooku waited outside when the man who called about the Vespa showed up, in a beat-up looking car that made Dooku wonder if he could afford the price quoted. But the man did have the cash, and Dooku watched as he tied the scooter to the back of his car.
Once the man was gone, Dooku went inside, and as soon as he closed the door he started sobbing. Something about selling Sören's Vespa felt very final, and broke something inside him. Dooku went to lay down and cry, and he was surprised by Dragos joining him on the bed, finally, headbutting him before climbing onto his back and curling up there, kneading and purring.
Dooku fell asleep like that, and woke up in the late afternoon. Dragos was no longer on his back, which meant the cat had gotten down by himself. Dooku went to the kitchen to start dinner, and noticed that Dragos still hadn't eaten, though he had finally drank some water. Dooku made fish this time, hoping the smell would tempt the cat into eating something, but it did not.
Dragos did sit on his lap as Dooku watched the nightly BBC news. Dragos felt a bit lighter than usual and it disturbed Dooku enough that he decided to call Qui.
When Qui didn't answer, Dooku decided to leave a voice mail, which he normally didn't do. "Hello, Qui-Gon. Dragos hasn't been eating or drinking much over the last couple of days and it's been over 24 hours since he's gone to the bathroom. I think he needs to see you, so when you get this message please call me and we can arrange a time for me to bring him to your clinic? Thank you."
Dooku's hands were shaking when he ended the call. He stroked Dragos and whispered, "Please be all right, my little friend. I can't lose you, too."
_
At one-thirty in the morning, Dooku's cell rang. Dooku grabbed it with the Force, grumbling, "This had better not be about the bloody Vespa, that advert's been taken down already."
It was Qui. "Hello," Dooku said. "Why are you calling at this hour?"
"Because I didn't get your call until now, I lost my phone and had to go on a bit of a wild goose chase. I'm calling from Obi's phone while mine charges."
"Qui, when will you stop losing things like your phone?"
"This has only been the first time this year."
Dooku snorted.
Then Qui said, "And listen, this is about your cat, so this qualifies as an emergency. I can take Dragos at the clinic tomorrow at 10 AM."
"Thank you."
"Is he having any other symptoms? Lethargy?"
"Yes, quite a bit."
"Is he vomiting?"
Dooku wanted to say no, but he decided to check and make sure. Sure enough, there was cat vomit on the carpet of the bedroom floor, though it was watery. "Yes, he's started vomiting."
"All right. Hang in there. I'd see him now but I'm not very alert and it's a good idea for me to get some sleep before I deal with a patient."
"Thank you."
In the morning Dragos still hadn't eaten, had vomited again, was not drinking water, and had not gone to the bathroom. He put up a bit of a fuss when Dooku put him in the cat carrier, and whined from the carrier on the way to the veterinary clinic, and Dooku felt bad about causing his cat any additional discomfort, but they didn't have other options.
It was strange to see Qui for the first time in over a month, and stranger still to see him in his white veterinarian coat over medical scrubs. Qui began taking Dragos's vitals, and weighed him, and did bloodwork.
"He's lost over a kilogram since the last time you brought him in," Qui said, "and if I had to hazard a guess, he's lost most of that recently."
"He seems to have been eating less overall lately. I originally chalked it up to him being depressed because, well." Dooku gestured vaguely and then looked down at his hands. "They were quite attached. In hindsight, I should have brought him in sooner than this."
"Maybe, maybe not," Qui said. When he opened the cat's mouth, he cringed.
"What?" Dooku asked.
"The breath has..." Qui cleared his throat, cringed again - looked as if he was blinking back tears - and then he said. "When a cat goes into kidney failure, their breath develops a distinctive odor... which Dragos is exhibiting now."
"You're saying he's gone into kidney failure."
"The bloodwork will confirm for sure," Qui said, "but that's my educated guess, and I've seen a lot of these cases. Dragos is an elderly cat, and..." His voice trailed off.
Dooku gasped, and fought back the tears, but they were starting to flow. "Can... can anything be done?"
"Mostly palliative," Qui said, "and to be honest, I don't know if you want to even do that. He's already lost a kilogram. You don't want him to lose more than that. He's already suffering."
Dooku choked out a sob.
The bloodwork returned a few minutes later, confirming that Dragos was in the final stages of kidney failure.
"I can send you home with medications for him," Qui continued, "but they would be expensive and time-consuming to administer and... still wouldn't buy him a lot of time. Days, at best."
Dooku continued sobbing and said, "Do you recommend... putting him down?"
Qui nodded. "You can do it now or you can do it in a few days, but in a few days he might be suffering even more."
Dooku doubled over, racked by the loud, ugly sobbing he couldn't control. One of Qui's veterinary assistants came in with paperwork for Dooku to authorize the euthanasia, as well as what he'd like to do with Dragos's remains - Dooku opted for cremation, with a custom wooden box with the cat's name on it.
"Do you want to be there?" Qui asked.
"Yes." As much as the thought of losing Dragos broke his heart, he needed to be there in the last moments of his life. "I'd like to hold him as he goes."
Qui patted and rubbed Dooku's shoulder. "I'm so sorry."
"This is my fault -"
"It's not your fault. You took very good care of him. He lived a long, happy life with you. This is what happens. He's old. And it's a testament of your love for him that you want to be there until the end."
Dooku took a deep breath, attempting to pull himself together for at least a few minutes, for the sake of his cat going in peace rather than panic - Dragos was already riled up from being in the clinic. "What happens now?"
"I'll give him an anaesthetic, so he doesn't feel any pain. Then when I'm sure the anaesthetic has taken effect, he'll be given a fatal dose of an anti-seizure medication, to stop his heart."
Dooku nodded, and started crying again. Qui let him cry it out, and then Dooku said softly, "I'm ready."
Qui administered the anaesthetic while Dragos was still on the exam table - Dooku let out a sob when Dragos cried out in pain from the needle. Then Qui wrapped Dragos up in a blanket and carried him over to Dooku. "There you go, little guy," Qui said. "It's all right now."
Dooku held Dragos like a baby and began rocking him gently. Just Dragos's head and a paw were sticking out of the blanket, but Dooku still pet his head, kissed it, tears falling into the fluffy fur. Dragos purred a little, eased by Dooku's presence, and when Dragos stopped purring, his eyes glazed over, Dooku asked Qui, "Is he dead? Did that kill him?"
"Sometimes if they're in bad enough shape they can die from the anaesthesia, but probably he's just sleeping very deeply." Qui took his stethoscope and listened to Dragos's heartbeat. "His heart is still beating, just very faint." He looked at Dooku. "Do you need more time?"
"I need a little more time, yes."
Qui politely exited the room and left Dooku alone with Dragos. Dooku sobbed openly now that Dragos was under, continuing to pet him and rock him. He felt like his entire world was being ripped apart. He truly wished Sören was there to help him through this, and that made him weep even harder.
Ten minutes later Qui came back. Dooku simply nodded, and Qui gave Dragos the lethal injection. Dooku could feel it in the Force - the spark of life draining from the cat, and his spirit becoming one with the Force, wrapped around him like a ribbon made of light, giving him a little squeeze. Dooku broke down again, and Qui cried a little too. A moment later Qui listened to Dragos's heart again and nodded. "He's gone."
Dooku continued holding the lifeless body of his cat, and Qui let him. "Take as long as you need," Qui said.
"I... have a request," Dooku said through his tears.
"Sure," Qui said.
"Can I have a bit of his fur and whiskers?"
Qui nodded. "Yes."
"That's not strange to ask?"
"Not at all. I've had a few cats who've died - don't think I've shown you the memorial since we got back in touch - and their ashes are there along with samples of their fur and whiskers. It's a fairly common request."
"Thank you."
Qui took a razor and shaved some fur and one whisker pad, putting them in a clean specimen bag for Dooku to take home. Dooku kept holding Dragos, though he was no longer rocking the cat. At last Dooku said, "You can take him."
Qui picked up the blanket-wrapped body and put it down on the exam table. Dooku got up then, and Qui hugged him tight. They cried together - Qui knew how much Dragos meant to Dooku - and now Qui was rocking Dooku the way he'd rocked Dragos.
"I'm so sorry," Qui said.
Dooku finally pulled apart and Qui handed him more tissues.
"Do you need someone to drive you home?" Qui asked.
Dooku shook his head. "No."
"Do you need someone to bring you food? Obi and I can come over and cook for you if you don't want to be alone."
"No. I... can't handle being around anyone right now."
"All right. If you change your mind, it's the day after Saint Pat's and we have corned beef and cabbage. Obi and I are both half-Irish, so it's kind of the law."
"No, but thank you."
When Dooku got home he cried again. Leja called him after he'd been home an hour, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to her. He thought about making himself something to eat, but he was too upset to eat. He just wanted to sleep.
When he got into the bedroom, all he could think of was sharing the bed with Sören, and sharing the bed with Dragos, and sometimes Sören and Dragos together. He couldn't sleep there. It felt haunted.
He unfolded the couch bed - it was still uncomfortable to sleep on even for one person, but it would have to do. He fell asleep watching the BBC. When he woke up it was still night time. He lay in bed crying some more, until he fell back asleep. In the morning he felt hungover even though he hadn't had any alcohol.
Dooku got takeaway that afternoon; just the brief trip to grab something to eat and take it home was exhausting. He felt even more exhausted after he threw out the empty cartons and bags and decided to empty Dragos's dishes and litterbox for the last time, then put the dishes and litterbox away. He would keep them for now, though he felt unlikely to get a new cat anytime soon and I might just die myself in the not too distant future.
When he settled back on the couch, he mentally berated himself for not keeping up with his exercise routines and always eating takeaway lately. He hadn't gained weight - he'd always had a high metabolism - but he knew if he carried on like this his age would catch up with him much faster. He felt angrier and angrier with himself, and very, very much alone.
Dooku slept on the couch bed again that night, and in the morning he made the decision to not fold the couch back up again - he wasn't going to sleep in his own bed anytime soon if at all. If he didn't want to lay in what had become his bed, he'd sit in the armchair. It wasn't particularly neat and attractive for company, but he wasn't in the habit of entertaining guests anymore.
He also made the decision to call out of work. He felt bad about doing so, since he was working on a particularly volatile case, but he could not bring himself to deal with people that day.
Dooku spent the day curled up with a book, and when night came and it was time for the news, Dooku was already half-asleep - he'd been sleeping too much, but it was a needed escape. Then he was jolted to attention when the BBC newscaster mentioned the name "Kylo Ren". Dooku sat up in his couch bed and rubbed his eyes.
"UK-born Benjamin Sulu, aka Kylo Ren, lead of the shock rock band Knights of Ren, has lost a lawsuit filed by the transgender Icelandic punk rocker Margrét Sigurdsdóttir of the band Brjálaður Tíkur. Margrét Sigurdsdóttir was one of the original members of the Knights of Ren and was fired in 2012 by the band with Kylo Ren citing 'creative differences'."
Dooku snorted.
"Margrét Sigurdsdóttir's lawsuit alleged that Kylo Ren stole over a dozen songs that she'd written exclusively, using them in his albums and on tours without credit or royalties, and at least two of these songs have charted in the top 5 on Billboard Alternative. Proof of this theft was given via records of e-mail and videos. In addition to the order to give her credit on all new prints of the albums and a percentage of all future royalties, she has been awarded an undisclosed sum in back damages and an additional sum for emotional damage, including alleged harassment from Kylo Ren's fans and Kylo Ren himself. Some of the emotional damage claims involved transphobic statements and threats of physical violence from Kylo Ren and his fans, and today Margrét Sigurdsdóttir took to Facebook and Twitter to announce that 50% of the award given from her lawsuit would be donated to LGBT rights charities in Iceland, the United Kingdom and United States."
"Good," Dooku said, then felt sheepish that he was talking to the TV.
He made some tea, and after a cup, he felt that gnawing ache for Sören again. He sat with his feelings for a few minutes, weighing them carefully, and then he pulled out his cell phone. He didn't know what he would say, but he finally hit dial on Sören's number.
Instead of a ring there was a loud beep, and an automated voice telling him, "The number you have dialed is no longer in service."
Dooku flipped his phone closed. There was a moment of shock, and then he broke down weeping once more. He opened his phone back up, and finally deleted Sören's number.
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