Anthony's heart skipped a beat as he saw Sören waiting at the curb, with a cooler. Even dressed down in black cargo shorts and a Nine Inch Nails "Pretty Hate Machine" T-shirt, Sören was beautiful to him, and the way Sören's face lit up as Elaine's Aston Martin drove closer made Anthony feel like he could fly. He waved back as Elaine pulled over. Sören loaded the cooler into the passenger seat next to Elaine, leaning over to give her a warm hug, and then Sören took off his backpack, and when Sören got in the back seat next to Anthony he grabbed Anthony, squeezed him, and kissed his cheek.
"Awwwwwwwwwww," Elaine said.
"Mum, please." It was bad enough Elaine was chaperoning them to and from the park.
Sören chuckled.
"You look like you packed quite a bit," Elaine said, looking at the size of the cooler.
"Jæja, Nick really went all out last night."
Anthony was still pleasantly surprised that Sören had insisted he didn't need to bring anything because Nicholas wanted to make a picnic lunch for them, even though he wasn't coming along himself - it seemed like a very nice gesture of support from Sören's partner. Even though he's still not OK with us sleeping together. Anthony tried not to be upset about it, knowing if the situation were reversed he'd probably have an issue with it too, if not the entire relationship itself. What the work of Nicholas for his partner's date with another partner told Anthony was that Nicholas was expressing the sentiment of wanting to be OK with things, trying, and that made him feel a little better about things, though not necessarily great.
"I still wanted to make something," Elaine said, "so there's a cake in the back seat."
Anthony was, indeed, holding it on his lap, in a small, covered cake dish, just big enough for two people to share. "It's a lemon cake." Lemon cake was his favorite.
"Oh, excellent. There's always room for cake," Sören said, smiling. "Takk, Elaine, you're so sweet."
"You're sweet," Elaine said. "Anthony has told me so many things about the ways you used to take care of him when you were together. He's lucky to have you."
Anthony pinched the bridge of his nose. "Mum. Mother." Even though he knew Sören didn't think less of him for being a mummy's boy, he was still intensely self-conscious about it, having been bullied about it when he was younger. And after his accident, with his mobility issues and the way he was having to pick up the pieces of the psychological wreckage, he felt helpless enough without Elaine smothering him so much. He knew his mother meant well, and he loved her fiercely, but he really wished she would tone it down just a little.
"I'm lucky to have him too," Sören said softly.
Anthony blinked back tears. After what he'd done, after losing all hope of getting Sören back - being forgiven - to hear Sören say that, of all things, went straight to his heart. He fought the urge to cry, not wanting to fall apart, especially not when it was a beautiful summer afternoon in July and they were going to a park and love was fresh and new again. This was supposed to be something joyous, not ripping open old wounds. Nonetheless, Anthony felt choked up, and Sören seemed to know, putting an arm around him, nuzzling him.
It was a short drive from Covent Garden to St. James's Park - Sören could have walked it but Anthony knew Sören probably wanted to go on the ride as a show of solidarity with Anthony - and before Anthony knew it, they were there. When Elaine let them off, she asked, "Do you want to give me a set time to return or would you rather call when you're ready?"
Anthony and Sören exchanged glances and Sören made the "go ahead" gesture at Anthony. Anthony thought for a moment and then he said, "I think I'd rather call when we're ready, just because I don't want to hold you up if I set a time and then I'm a bit slow." Anthony looked at his cane and tried not to wince. "I hate potentially interrupting you -"
"I wouldn't have insisted on bringing you if you were going to interrupt anything important," Elaine said. "It's no bother at all."
Anthony still sighed, but then Sören gave him a stern don't get down on yourself look and poked his nose. Anthony poked Sören's nose in return. Sören got out of the car, put his backpack back on, came around for the cooler, and then came around to help Anthony, taking the cake first and setting it down on the cooler before pulling Anthony out of the car. As much as Anthony really hated his mobility issues with struggling out of a car, he didn't mind so much the proximity to Sören, or the little hug Sören gave him once he was out. Sören was being so good about this, and the acceptance made him want to cry all over again.
He resisted the impulse to grab Sören and kiss him, since his mother's car was still right there. They waved and then they were off, with Anthony carrying the cake in his free hand and Sören carrying the cooler.
They walked for awhile to find a picnic spot that was reasonably close to the pelican feeding area, so they wouldn't have so far to go at feeding time. Every now and again Anthony had to sit and rest, and by the time they got to the pelican area it was already close to feeding time, so they just brought the cooler and cake with them, the cake dish resting on top of the cooler on the ground beside them as they watched at the fence.
The birdkeeper came out in scrubs and gloves, which made Sören laugh, and then he laughed even harder as the pelicans began to swarm around her. They were a comical sight with their long beaks and wobbly pouches, even funnier when the birdkeeper began to throw fish and some of them caught the fish in their open mouths, while others chased after the fish and used their long beaks to pick up the fish from the ground. The pelicans made noises like snorting and Sören had a gigglefit, leaning on Anthony.
Anthony couldn't help laughing too, the pelicans were adorably ridiculous, and he had a vague "grass is greener" feeling about the park's birdkeeper, who lived in a a pretty cottage on Duck Island, but he knew that law was his calling and eventually he would have to go back to it, when he'd made a little more progress in his rehabilitation and was less self-conscious about his cane, if that day ever comes. But there was still a wistfulness to keep birds, wishing he had a bird menagerie, and then scolding himself: You can barely take care of a cat now, never mind a lot of birds.
Anthony sighed.
Before he could get too gloomy, one pelican was snapping at another for a fish, and the fish the birdkeeper threw at the snapping pelican got taken by the pelican being snapped at, who ran away. "Ohhh burn," Sören said. Then the snapping pelican came around the other side and snapped at the fish thief's butt, snorting, and Sören had another gigglefit and ended up snorting too. Anthony loved it when Sören did that - he found Sören's dorkiness endearing, it had been one of the things he'd missed the most - and other people watching the birds realized Sören made that noise, which made Sören laugh even harder, snorting more. One of the pelicans ran to the fence and gave Sören a funny look, and Sören lost it, leaning on Anthony, shaking, wheezing.
The pelicans continued catching fish in their beaks and using their beaks to scoop up fish from the ground, and some of them chased the others until they were placated with fish, while others circled around the birdkeeper in a snorting, grunting frenzy that reminded Anthony of a cat circling around its owner opening a can of food. He wished he had a cat, too, and he thought of Tobias, and the look of joy on Sören's face when Sören had pet the tuxedo cat in front of him last week.
Sören had a look of joy on his face now. One of the things that Anthony loved about Sören was how he lived with intensity, and drank deep of experiences. Anthony could tell Sören was taking it all in now - the scenic beauty of the lake, the hilarity of the pelicans. Sören almost seemed to glow, appreciating the sights in front of him, and Anthony basked in it; his life had been so cold without that radiance.
When pelican feeding time was over, Sören and Anthony looked for a good spot to sit down for their picnic. Anthony headed in the direction of benches. "I know it seems weird to have me sit on a bench if you're sitting on a blanket in the grass, but it's easier for me to get up from a bench than the ground," Anthony said, face burning, wishing once again he didn't have his mobility issues.
"It's not that weird. I mean, if you're more comfortable that way. I can help you up if you want to sit on the blanket with me, though," Sören said. "It's up to you."
Anthony worried that it was going to look really awkward when Sören helped him up from the ground, even moreso than the awkward way he got in and out of cars, and while he knew Sören most likely wouldn't mind, Anthony still minded, wanting to cling to what was left of his pride. "I'll sit on the bench for now," he said, "if that's OK."
Sören nodded.
Sören took off his backpack, pulled out a blanket, and spread it out on the ground in front of the bench. Then he unloaded the cooler. He had brought bottled water and a few cans of San Pellegrino - lemon and blood orange.
There were two types of sandwiches. One had pesto, sweet sopressata and prosciutto, sliced mozzarella and provolone, fresh basil leaves on ciabatta bread. The other had chicken, bacon, avocado, and fresh spinach leaves on French bread. Nicholas had also made a salad with kale, corn, chickpeas, quinoa, blueberries, cucumber, pumpkin seeds, cilantro and feta cheese. For dessert, there were fresh strawberries - Sören's favorite, but then Anthony supposed Nicholas had learnt that well over the last five months.
"Good lord," Anthony said. "And he teaches Classics, he wasn't a pro chef?"
Sören chuckled. "He really likes to cook, it's one of his passions." The naughty look on Sören's face told Anthony all about Nicholas being passionate, and Anthony's face was on fire now, not wanting to think about Sören and Nicholas having sex, though the thought titillated him - infuriatingly so. He didn't want to like the other man, let alone find him attractive.
"You're a pretty good cook too," Anthony said, feeling wistful for when Sören used to cook for them... not that his mother's cooking was bad, far from it. But Sören had enjoyed "playing house", or at least he had until the end, when he was running himself into the ground working a hundred hours a week; Anthony felt that stab that he still wasn't much of a cook, and he hadn't done more to help when Sören was drowning.
"I help sometimes! And sometimes Nick and I cook together. I was actually gonna make food for the picnic myself, but Nick wanted to do something nice." Their eyes met, and Sören gave Anthony a pointed look.
That did in fact mean Nicholas was trying, and that was heartening, though Anthony still felt reserve about trying to become friendly with Sören's partner. "That was indeed very generous of him."
"He thought about making another appetizer but I told him to not go overboard," Sören said. "As it is, I don't know if we can finish all this food here, I may have to take leftovers to work. Though, uh, you're welcome to take some too."
"Thank you," Anthony said. "I have physical therapy tomorrow and I'm always famished afterwards."
"I bet. Sometimes when I have followups with spinal surgery patients they tell me about their physical therapy and it sounds pretty tough." Sören passed him a can of San Pellegrino. "But it seems like you're making good progress."
"Some days it doesn't feel like it." Anthony frowned.
"Oh, elskan. You're too hard on yourself."
"It's just frustrating," Anthony said. "This is the new normal now. I miss being able to walk longer distances. I miss being able to run. I miss being able to drive without having an anxiety attack as soon as I get behind the wheel." He frowned harder. "Jesus, I'm a fucking downer. I'm sorry."
Sören got on his knees, scooted closer, and silenced him with a kiss. Then he shoved a sandwich at Anthony. "Eat."
They ate in companionable silence for awhile; the food was as good as it looked, if not better. Anthony was once again touched by Nicholas wanting to make a show of good will towards Sören's old-and-new-again partner. But then, a few bites into his salad, he had a disturbing thought, wondering if Sören had told Nicholas about the end of the relationship and that he didn't cook much, and if this were a thinly veiled display of dominance, as if Nicholas had made food for Sören to take on the picnic as a way of saying I can take care of Sören better than you.
Anthony hated that he was even thinking like that, but there it was.
Anthony tried to snap himself out of that, glancing around the park, which was so green on a July afternoon, the sky so blue, with perfect, fluffy white clouds. He watched the pelicans in their enclosure, some of them sailing serenely on the lake. It was a gorgeous day, and Sören was gorgeous as he enjoyed the food and the beauty of their surroundings, that look of happiness on his face again that made Anthony's heart melt... and made Anthony want to eat him.
He was really hoping that he wouldn't have to wait too much longer to make love to Sören. He would wait months if he had to, so long as he could have Sören in his life, but just the same...
...That longing intensified when it was time for dessert. Sören came closer and began doing "the airplane" with forkfuls of cake, making them both laugh, and Anthony decided to just let Sören help him up later and got down on the blanket with Sören, so he could feed Sören too. Then they fed each other strawberries when the cake was gone, and Anthony felt like he was going to explode with sexual frustration when Sören licked and sucked the strawberry juices off Anthony's fingers and thumb.
They kissed once the strawberries were gone, and Anthony found himself sucking on Sören's lower lip, cock stirring when he heard Sören moan. His mind raced with fantasies of the two of them taking turns sucking each other, taking turns inside each other, their bodies writhing together, Sören's moans louder and louder as Anthony brought him to climax. Anthony shivered despite the warmth of the July sun, aching to feel Sören's naked flesh against his.
They nuzzled, and then Sören pulled Anthony down on the blanket with him so they were laying together side by side. Sören came closer, and they took turns holding each other - first, Anthony's head on Sören's chest, with Sören stroking and petting his hair, rubbing his shoulders and back, while Anthony listened to Sören's heartbeat, felt every breath, and felt like he had come home. A little while later, Anthony rolled onto his side, pulled Sören into his chest and played with his curls, rubbed his nose in them, breathing in the scent of him, ready to cry all over again at how Sören felt in his arms, how right this was, how much he'd missed just holding Sören, cuddling and snuggling him, which he liked just as much as sex. Which he'd craved just as much as making love to Sören.
It was warm enough that Sören wanted another cold drink, and sat up, reaching into the cooler to grab them each another can of San Pellegrino. They leaned on each other and after a few minutes Sören said, "I have some bad news for you."
Oh no. Anthony's heart sank, fearing the worst, that this was going to be their last date, that Sören was just being nice to let him down gently. He braced himself.
"I got my schedule," Sören said, giving a little frown. "One of our surgeons is on holiday for the next fortnight so I'm going to be working extra hours to pick up the slack."
"Oh." Anthony was both relieved it wasn't what he feared, and disgruntled that Sören was going to have another bout of working even crazier hours, even if it was only going to be temporary, for two weeks rather than for over two months like the end of their relationship.
Sören nodded, brow furrowed. "It happens that I have both Thursday and Friday off next week because they have to give me some time off, it's the law, but because I'm going to be working long overnight shifts - like, pulling eleven PM to three PM shifts most of the time, doing emergency trauma cases that come in late at night, I'm not going to be seeing Nick much so he's asked me to reserve those two days for him and I feel like that's only fair."
"Yeah, that is fair. If we lived together, I'd..." Anthony's voice trailed off and he just nodded, feeling that bitter sting again - they didn't live together. And he missed that, even as he didn't really want Sören to see how much he struggled with day-to-day activities around the house.
"The next time I have off, after Thursday and Friday next week, is..." Sören pulled out his phone, pulled up his schedule, and squinted at it. "Tuesday the twenty-eighth. Which is almost two weeks from now." Sören gave him an apologetic look. "Do you have the evening free?"
"Yes." Anthony was a little embarrassed by how vehement that was, but close to two weeks felt like an eternity.
"You can still call me," Sören said, "and I'll call you, and, ah... if you can somehow make it to the National when I'm on break..." Sören pursed his lips. "I don't know how you feel about taking a cab or getting your mum to bring you just to go there to see me for an hour and go back, though -"
"Well, it's not something I can do every day, but going for a full two weeks without seeing you sounds like torture so I'm sure I can squeeze it in once or twice." Immediately at "squeeze it in" Anthony's mind went into the gutter, thinking about being inside Sören and vice versa, and the pink on Sören's cheeks and the way Sören bit his lower lip let Anthony know Sören was thinking it too.
Sure enough, Sören leered and said, "I think you squeezed it in more than once or twice, Anthony."
"God," Anthony said, shaking his head, chuckling. "You're incorrigible."
"Takk. Great minds, and all."
Anthony's face was on fire and he knew Sören could tell he was blushing.
Then Sören pulled him into a fierce, tight hug. "Thank you for understanding about my schedule. I'm really sorry that -"
"Shhhhh." Anthony kissed the tip of his nose. "I know. I mean, at least it's only temporary."
"Thank fuck for that. I don't want a repeat of 2013 anytime soon."
"Yeah." Anthony winced. Those last few months had been a special kind of hell, with Sören pulling a hundred hours a week.
"You're not getting rid of me so easily," Sören said, rocking him.
Anthony rested his head on Sören's shoulder, grateful for the reassurance. He still felt like he didn't deserve this, after what he did, but he couldn't go without it, either. Losing Sören had plunged him into darkness, and getting him back was like seeing the sun, seeing what colors were again, seeing the world anew.
And the way Anthony loved Sören terrified him, feeling like he was flying too close to the sun. But he could love Sören less, no more than he could stop breathing. If anything, he loved Sören even more now that he had been lost and found; he was falling in love with Sören all over again.
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